Tuesday, December 23, 2008

See June Lose It

Boys and girls, in this edition of June & Dick (aka Ward), we'll learn words like see, work, tree and unprepared. Sound it out, un-pre-pared. That's right boys and girls. Now let's get started and see how fun reading can be!

See the calendar?

See the date?

See how many days 'til Christmas?

See it's only two days?

Two, two, two.

See June work?

See her work all day?

Work, work, work.

See June work.

See the tree?

The tree with lights and no decorations?

See, see the tree!

See the tree?

The tree with no presents?

See, see the presentless tree.

See the car?

See the two, unwrapped presents in the trunk?

See, see the not enough, unwrapped presents?

Presents, presents, presents.

See the stores?

Stores, stores, stores.

See all the people?

See, see the people?

See June?

See June, on her lunch hour at the store?

The store with all the people?

See June hit that bitch lady with her cart?

Bad June.

Bad, bad June.

See June?

See June at work, blogging?

See June look at this and think she can do it?

Silly June.

Silly, silly, silly.

See the 14 lbs of sugar and umpteen pounds of flour and butter?

Flour and butter. Flour and butter.

See June make candy?

See June burn candy.

Burn, burn, burn.

See June start over?

See Dick off from work?

Off, off, off?

See Dick shopping?

No!! Dick does not shop.

See Dick?

See Dick wrapping presents?

Wrapping, wrapping, Wrapping.

Dick does not wrap!

See June?

See June's face?

Mad, mad, mad.

June is mad.

See June?

See June lose it?

Lose it, lose it, lose it?

See the wine?

Wine, wine, wine.

See June drink?

See June drink the wine?

Wine, wine, wine............

Merry Christmas everyone! And Happy Hanukkah to my Jewish friends. (I refuse to say Happy Holidays. I mean get a grip. If I offend you because I wish you something "happy" - then bite me. You can get me back by wishing me happywhateveryourthingisthatyoucelebrate, ok?)

Anyway........Hope everyone is safe, healthy and surrounded by people you love. Even if you want to kill those that you love, may you still be surrounded by them! And may you always have enough wine to drink..........Cheers!

How did she find the time? Raising three girls, working at Wyzees and sewing! You have made your girls their Christmas dresses, right? Kiss & hug those kids for me!

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Note to self

Next time you decide to wear your "really cute black slacks", because they make your butt look slimmer, remember to apply lots of lotion to your arms that day. That elbow dandruff that has rubbed off onto your pants from resting your arms on your desk, is really unattractive. And for heaven's sakes, do a quick rearview check when you leave the restroom. Your underwear tag peeking out of the top of your britches is equally unattractive. And no, everyone looking at you wasn't secretly thinking "Has she lost weight?" They were trying to figure out what the heck all the white stuff was on the front of your pants!! Way to go, sister.......

Another note to self.........STFU, already!! I know there are only 8 more shopping days left. Thankyouverymuch.

Wine, anyone?

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Overwhelmed

 

Just plain overwhelmed......yup, that about sums it up!

Friday, December 12, 2008

Move along now

I'm sending you to read someone else's stuff for today. I have read her blog for months, cracking up! She is a very talented lady who had one of those shit ________ - fill in the blank with whatever works for you: days, weeks, months. Seems a lot of people are having these mental meltdown moments. When you read someone is having one, it sort puts things in perspective for you and makes you feel as though you are not alone. Together we can all tell the world to piss off, once in awhile! Together we can make it through all of this crap. And together, if we don't get through this, we can all get drunk together!

So, go read her stuff. I dare you not to laugh and cry! Vodka Mom


PS - To you-know-who, we can't all live in Italy and enjoy the good stuff. Some of us have to resort to the box stuff!

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Ta-da

Well, I guess I can see that none of you wanted to win this beautiful shirt and that all you're really concerned about is the scrapbook. I guess I shouldn't say that none of you wanted to be my new BFF, actually the thought of Tracie offering me her maxed out credit card brought a tear to my eye. I mean everybody else was all, "So what about the scrapbook?" and Tracie was all, "Here take my credit card" - that people, is a true friend. So Tracie, just as soon as I get through Christmas and sell a dadgummed house, I'm gonna really order this shirt and send it to you. Someday sister, this shirt will be yours! Wear it proudly!

tshirt

And yes, Shana, I did design this myself! I know, I know. I am sooooo artsy-fartsy, aren't I?

As for the rest of you.......here it is:

The scrapbook of 2008:

PICT0024

Ok, I'm kidding. This is what got my creative juices flowing. And flow they did. By now, you may be getting the impression that I'm a bit of a wine lush. Really, I'm not. I'm sure if I could afford therapy, there's a really good Freudian reason as to why I feel the need to mention wine in every post that I do. I mean it's not like I drink it E.V.E.R.Y day, you know. Ok, just so we're clear on things. Here's the book that almost pushed June into a straight jacket......

I know! Again with the wine, June? Sorry, this is the last reference I will make to wine in this post. Ok? Did I mention my husband just logged on to our checking account and found out how bad the recession has hit us? Tonight should be filled with hours of fun discussion.

Anyway.......

Yes, 15 pages people! Gluing, stickering, shading, feathering and yes, I even used some of them fancy scissors. I went a little overboard with those, but I did it! Oh, and I even used photoshop!! Wally's eyes were closed in one of the pics with his cousin. So I copied a pair of open eyes into the pic and voila! And I had an ace up my sleeve! While all of the other mothers had their fake smiles plastered on their faces, "Oh wow, you did a great job!" - all the while I knew they were thinking their books were so much better than mine. But, lo and behold, Wally's scrapbook had something that no other scrapbook had. Both of Wally's coaches wrote personal letters to him. When I was in my panic about how I was going to fill all of these pages, I thought if I could get his coaches to write a letter it would take up two pages!! Sa-weet! And they agreed to do it. Of course, next year, ev.er.y.one will have a coaches letter. But Wally was the first! Take that all you queens of craftiness!

Here's what they said:

Wally,

Just wanted to write and say thanks for just being YOU. I so much appreciate your positive attitude every day—all the time. You are truly a pleasure to be around. I also want to say that I know things did not work out exactly the way you wanted but sometimes we learn much more through adversity; moreover, it is those tough times that leadership is most important. You provided much in that regard. You are a blessed young man—this is true. But what I most love about you is that you give others blessings and ask nothing in return. Unselfishness is difficult to find in today’s society—never change. Take Care, God Bless and Be an 11.

Coach A.

(Wally's jersey number was "11")

Wally,

Well buddy it sure has been a fun year. I am very glad I got to coach you this past football season. You’re the kind of kid that everyone wishes they had. Good attitude, never complain, do as we say, and takes ups and downs with the right attitude. Wally, football is a lot like life, ups and downs…………..the way you handle them shows what kind of person you will be in life. I really hope you learned some football from me this year. Most important I hope you learned a little bit about life while playing football. Again Wally, I wish every kid was like you. You are what makes me say “I’M PROUD TO BE A CAVEMAN COACH.” Good luck in everything you do and I know you will be very successful in life……………………

Coach Lopez

So there you have it. You all can breathe a collective sigh of relief. June pulled it off!

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Running out of time, as usual

I'm trying to get back here to update all the goin's on of the Cleaver household. Just as I was about to catch my breath, and tap a fresh box of wine, I heard a newscaster say, "Only 15 days of shopping left." What the hay-ell, (as my southern friends say)??? Is it already December? Oh jeez louise. (Ok, I said something a little stronger than that, but Santa doesn't visit a potty mouth, now does he....)

So Tracie, I am not in the padded cell......yet. I am however trying to figure out which one of you was responsible for reminding me to put a little away each month, this year, for a Christmas fund. Because whoever it was, dropped the ball. There's zilch in the Christmas fund. So....here's what I need. I need for one of you to buy a house from me. Nothing big. Just about $75,000. And I need for it to be a cash sale, so it can close quick. We don't have time for appraisals and loans and shit to hit the fan, ok? Don't everyone raise their hand at once. I know at least one of you people has to be rich. Right? Oh, and I almost forgot, as a token of my appreciation for you helping me out, and making Wally and Beaver's Christmas, I'm willing to call you my new BFF. Hmm? So, who wants to be June Cleaver's new BFF? You know, sorta like Paris Hilton's New BFF, only I've never made a sex tape. And I weigh a little more than she does. But still, come on "June's BFF" - you know you want that title. You know you do. You can put it on your blog. I'll even make a little button for you. Oh, or even better yet, I can make you a t-shirt that is says it. Hmm?

I can only give you until 5pm - mountain standard time, of course - to respond. After that, I'll have to check myself in to "Nuts-R-Us". Do they really serve wine at the funny farm?

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Scrapbook, crapbook! Who cares?

So, that scrapbook? You know, the one they're making me do? The one that isn't due to be completed until the night of the football banquet - which is was December 15th. Guess what? Go ahead, take a guess. You think I finished it early? Really? You do? You think that? Well, see for yourself - here it is, so far:

Well, shall we take a look inside?

PICT0068

Lovely, isn't it?

Let's look at page two.......

PICT0069

Mmm hmmm. That's right! June hasn't done squat! But don't fear, she has until the 15th to get it done. Of course, that would be the case if this was anyone but June's life! Since this is June's life - guess what? Come on, one more time. Guess what happened to June?

She found out the

banquet is not

December 15th.

It's December 8th!

I find this out on Tuesday night! If you're saying, "Well, June, you still have nearly a week to finish this." - bite me well, technically, yes. Yes I have almost a week. I also have a job, two boys in sports, a husband - who is out of town (again don't get me started on the scorekeeping), shoes to buy, food to cook, etc....... Not to mention my tree is up in my living room with lights - only! No other decorations.

Let's take a look at June's schedule for this week:

MondayWorked all day. Went to Beaver's game. Got home around 7, fixed dinner and did my elliptical for an hour.
TuesdayWorked all day. Went straight to the high school from work to run the concession stand. Watched Wally play. Found out about change in banquet and nearly threw up. Arrive home at 9:30 to fix dinner. (shut up Erin, there is no possible way I can feed my kids at 5 pm - sue me)
WednesdayWorked all day. Tried to figure out how the hell I'm going to get this done and try to locate the photos of Wally from this season. I can't find half of them. Crap! Ward has them at work. (Ward is at home dying with a cold!) He got all bent out of shape when I didn't download them as soon as I took them - or maybe it was weeks after I took them - so he took them to work and downloaded them and then deleted them from the camera. Everyone knows you don't delete pictures from a camera until it says "memory card full"!

Run during my lunch hour to the scrapbooking store. Holy Pete! Do you know how much paraphanalia that have at those places? I had no idea what I was looking for. Picked up a few things and got out of there. I was starting to suffocate. Seriously. And they don't even serve any alcohol there. Those ladies act like they've dipping in the sauce though!

Run by Hellmart for toilet paper. We are completely out. I mean COMPLETELY. And Ward, the chronic poop machine, is home. Sick.... (really how does one man produce that much output in one day?)

Stop by the house to check on Ward. He's barely hanging on, but he thinks he'll make it. He has to leave town that afternoon to be on a promotion board. Find out that he won't be back until Friday - late. I need those photos now! Argh!

Leave work and decide to head home and try and locate other Wally memorabilia until I can get the photos from Ward.

Cell phone rings. It's Ward wanting to know if I'm heading to the house. Get this - he forget his suitcase at the house and he's about 20 miles out of town. Could I possibly get it and meet him on his way back? Suuuuuure. I have nothing else to do. And he is almost dying.

Meet him, drop off suitcase. It's 15 minutes until I have to pick up Beaver from practice. No time to run home. Go and sit for 15 minutes, waiting for Beav and thinking how I could already be digging through the third closet by now for Wally's stuff.

Get home. Start to dig for Wally's stuff. Beaver is hungry. Stop and make him dinner. Pour myself a glass of wine. A big one. You know, to get my creative juices flowing! And settle in at the computer to see how the heck you put one of these scrapbook thingys together. I've got crap spread from end of the computer area to the kitchen. And online help isn't providing much help. Then I hear the garage door opening. Chit!! Wally isn't supposed to be home for another hour. Scoop everything up - because this is supposed to be a surprise, you know! About break my neck running down the hallway - and damn near spilled my wine!

Start looking through photos and getting reminiscent. He's such a cute kid young man! Damn where has time gone. This is just too much. Decide tomorrow will be a better day to do this!

Clean up kitchen from dinner and go to bed.

Coughed.all.night.long. Scratchy, tickle in my throat. Nothing productive. Took a drink. Blew my nose. Sprayed chloraseptic. Still coughed.andcoughed.andcoughed!!!
ThursdayWork all day. Ward went to work yesterday and emailed the photos to me before he left town. Have I told you how much I love that man?

Run to Hellmart at lunch to print photos. I could print them at home, but I'm a tightwad and our printer only has black ink. So....Wait, I could go all "retro" and do a black and white scrapbook. Nah, I would be laughed at by all of the other mothers. Print out photos and notice that Wally's eyes are closed in half of the pictures. Wonderful photographer that I am!

Run back to the scrapbook store to get the border thingys that I need. And see if there is some creative thingymabob that they have that I can use to open Wally's eyes. Clerk will look at me as if I've lost my marbles. Decide I will make copies of the pictures that do have his eyes open and cut them out and paste them over the closed eye photos. So glad I bought the big glue stick! Maybe I am crafty after all.

Leave work at 4:30 to drive an hour to watch Beaver play basketball. Get lost because I have to go by myself and it will be dark and I can't see the street signs. Arrive at game 1/2 an hour late.

Get back into town sometime after 8. Attempt to find a size 10 black shoe for Beaver for the "Snowball" dance this weekend.

Try and find gifts for the company Christmas party, which is tomorrow night.
FridayWork all day. Run at lunch to buy the gifts for the Christmas party that I forgot to buy last night. Look again for shoes for Beaver.

Pick up Beaver from practice. Head home. HE must shower before the party. Whew!

Attend company Christmas party. Don't worry. It's non-alcoholic - so June won't be making photocopies of her bare bum in the copier. K?
SaturdaySaturday - finally! Wake up early and get tiramisu ready for Snowball dinner tonight for Wally. Try and figure out what to do with Beaver and his crew while we're at Wally's dinner. (Freshman aren't invited to the big kids party - and really this isn't fair because my mother made me cart my sister everywhere with me! That's the reason were' so close now! Have I mentioned how much I love Erin?)

Drive an hour to watch Beaver play basketball. Get home in the afternoon and start the chicken cordon bleu.

Argue with Beaver that he will just have to wear the only shoes I could find or go barefoot.

Go over to Wally's dinner and drop off food and husband, if he's survived, so he can cook the steaks.

Get Beaver and take him and all of his little freshman friends to Chili's and drop them off.

Go back to Wally's dinner and take pictures. Go back home and get the tiramisu that I left in the fridge.
SundayGet up and do my elliptical. At this point, after this week, I've pretty much drank my weight in wine!

Go to church. Pray for some time to get this scrapbook done.

Go to decorate the hall for the football banquet. Get all sentimental with the other parents over how fast all of this has gone by. Talk will turn to the "scrapbooks" and how excited they are to give them to their sons. Someone will bust out their scrapbook that they "just happen to have" shoved in their purse. This will start all of the other mothers having to produce theirs as well. For comparison. You know. And then everyone will turn to me. And I'll feel like it's 7th grade again, Sunday night and my science project - that I haven't started - is due in the morning! Oh wait, that was Erin, that didn't do her science project. Not me. Wrong memory! Anyway....you know the feeling I'm talking about. I'll have that one. And that is the time that I will finally lose the rest of my marbles........
MondayBanquet - time to present the masterpiece!

So tell me, just

when the heck do

I have time to do

this thing? Hmmm?

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Scorekeeping

If anyone - in our marriage - was keeping score as to who/whom (WTF-ever it is) does more when it comes to the kids -

Today is not the day to tally that score.
Because I am so kicking Ward's ass in that department.
Work concession stand. Order pizza for concession stand while Ward is IM'ing me - and then asking me "u there" when I don't answer immediately. HMPH. Pick up Beaver from practice. Watch Wally play. And then people - I am having a damned glass of wine! Of course, that's after I fix dinner for everyone!

Monday, December 1, 2008

A Thanksgiving to Remember

So what do you get when you cross a bunch of Texans with the British, Irish, a Mexican and a turkey, duck and chicken? You get a Thanksgiving to remember!

This Thanksgiving was a little "different", to say the least. Not "bad" different, just different. I love Thanksgiving. I don't love the fact that my sister is in Italy - and not here - but I still was looking forward to Thanksgiving. I also had a tinge of wishing that my Mom was still here. The last video I have of her is at the Thanksgiving, before she got sick again. I still haven't been able to watch it. It's tucked away in the entertainment center drawer, but I know it's there. And someday, I'll watch it.

Anyway, so....Thanksgiving was spent with my Dad and bonus Mom (BM). And the British, Irish and Texans. What a crew! My BM is the HR director for a cheese factory that is owned by an Irishman. They employ several Irish and British people. So, she invited them for Thanksgiving. She's a native Texan and Thanksgiving was hosted by her best friend, also a Texan. So lots of accents! I've lived in England, my ancestors are Irish, and we border Texas - so I have no problem understanding any of them. My husband, who is Hispanic, couldn't understand half of what any of them said! One of the Irish guys was asking him if they seasoned the turkey or just fried it like it was. Ward couldn't understand what he said. I knew he didn't because he answered him by saying, "MMM Hmmm, yeah." The poor guy just looked at Ward like he had a screw loose! Funny thing is, as the day went on, and the beer and wine started to flow, everyone began to understand each other a little better!

That morning, at 4 am, I helped my BM make the Turducken. For anyone that hasn't heard of this - it's a chicken stuffed inside of a duck, stuffed inside of a turkey - with layers of stuffing between each bird. Didn't sound too difficult. But it was 4 am! In.the.morning.people. For future reference, I will not be making "new" Thanksgiving memories at 4 am. No one should be up at that hour. It makes for a cranky June at 4pm! Anyway, BM had already deboned everything and all we had to do was stuff it and lace it up. That's were the difficult part came in. We squished and stuffed, and scooped and re-stuffed and then tried to lace it up with the lacer that BM had purchased. The package said it was oh-so-easy and came with complete instructions. "Complete instructions" consisted of a picture of these l-shaped hooks with twine laced through them. But the L-shaped hooks were straight on the other end, so every time you tried to tighten the laces, the hooks just slipped back through. Easy, my ass! Frustration was starting to settle in and it would not have been a good idea to have a glass of wine at this point. So....sober, I had to come up with another solution. I just used the hook and threaded the thing up. Stood back and admired our work. It sorta looked like a turkey, with staples in it's chest. Then BM made the comment that we sure could have used my sister's nursing skills. Well, just slap my face why don't you! First of all, she's in Italy, so you're stuck with me. And second of all, she's not a nurse. Yet. Ok? I'm sure she didn't mean to infer that I was completely incompetent, but it was 4 am and I didn't have any wine, so......

We baked that sucker and it came out smelling soooooo good! It didn't come out looking round and plump, but sort of flat and thick. But it smelled so damned good. My mouth was watering. Then we get over to my BM's BFF's house. Her dad, who I'll refer to as "Uncle Bubba", because everyone in Texas has an uncle Bubba. And he was wearing a camouflaged shirt for Thanksgiving, no less! So.....Uncle Bubba offers to carve the Turducken. "Carve" must mean somethin' different over there in Texas. He proceeds to disembowel the thing like it was road kill! No pretty slices of turkey/stuffing/duck/stuffing/chicken/stuffing. Just a pile of "stuff". Oh to hell with it, pass me the wine, will ya' mate?

In all honesty, it was fun. I love my BM. Her friend's family was so nice to all of us. And the British and Irish are extremely funny people! I've never laughed so hard in my life.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! I'll tell you later about how two college educated and one semi-college educated adults took two days to make a call to Italy to talk the nurse-to-be!