Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Cancer free

Yahoo!  Cancer free.  I called the doctor's office and they said nothing was found.  So......I won't rant and rave about how they didn't call me back.  I'll just be grateful. 

I am also not going to rant and rave about the current "going ons" of my life.   But suffice to say, I wish I had a constant I.V. flow of Franzia to deal with it all.

 

Happy New Year!

Monday, December 28, 2009

Probably??????

I don't want you to worry about this.  This is probably nothing.  It's better just to get it checked out as a precaution. 

 

Probably nothing?  Don't worry?  My poor OB/GYN has no idea that his patient is a whackjob and "worry" is pretty much her middle name.  June Worry Cleaver.  40 sucks.  Pap smears suck. This year's trip in the stirrups detected a little redness and swelling in my cervix.  Okay.  And?  Well, he decided to do a little biopsy...."just to be sure".  Should have the results in about a week to 10 days.  I had this done on December 10th.  No results yet.  Or they haven't called me with the results yet.  I called them on the 17th and they told me the results were not back yet, but that they would call me just as soon as they had the results.  And, well, I don't want to be a pest.  But.....well I went all through Christmas wondering - "Do I?".  And if they haven't called, at least I can live with the thought that I don't.  And once they call, whether it's good or bad, I'll know for sure. Do I really want to sure?  Because once they make the call, it's for sure.  No going back.  But of course I need to know for sure, because not knowing and wondering is driving me crazy-er!

 

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Maybe I should be worried

I have a little announcement to make.  Now before I make it, I want you all to remain calm.  I don't want anyone yelling - "What the hell, June?  Have you finally lost all of your pearls?"  Ok?  Deal?

 

Ready?  Seriously now, no yelling at me. 

 

It is December 8th and I have not put up one Christmas decoration or bought one Christmas present.  Zip, zilch, nada, nada!

 

So there!

 

I think my procrastination has sunk to an all time low.  I think I'll go have a glass of wine and think about it!

 

Cheers,

Monday, November 23, 2009

Looking for some holiday spirit

I hate Mondays.  Except for when they are my Friday!  That's right.  Work today and then I am off for the rest of the week!  And Wally is home!  So.....let the holiday season begin!  We usually go to my Dad's for Thanksgiving.  It's about 3 hours from our home.  But, since Wally was coming home - and so were a lot of his friends from school - we decided not to leave our little town this year.  Ward's family was very excited that we were all going to stay for the holiday.  I even toyed with the idea of having Thanksgiving at our home.  But then thought "Nah".  I love them and all, in their own "special" way.  But when I've had enough quality time with them, it's nice to be able to get in the car and go home.  When it's at your home, well....?  You're kinda stuck until they're ready to leave! I realize that's not really being very Thanksgiving-y.  And I guess Karma decided to rear her ugly head and teach me a lesson.  My mother-in-law's father broke his hip and is in the hospital.  She's leaving to help her mom and spend time with her dad while he is in the hospital.  They'll be moving him to a retirement home when he's well enough to leave the hospital. So......looks like Thanksgiving will be at my house afterall! 

 

Seriously, I feel guilty for not wanting them there.  It's not that I don't want them there.  Gah, I sound awful.  It's that I would appreciate them helping out a little bit more. It's not all of them that cause me to make a beeline for the fridge at 11am for my favorite adult beverage!  Just some of them.  There's the nephew and brother-in-law that sit directly in front of the cheese platter and scarf the entire plate down in 3 minutes flat.  Not leaving so much as a cracker for the 18 other people that are there.  Or my sister-in-law - The Nurse.  The drug addicted nurse.  She'll have ingested enough painkillers to put her out of commission just in time so she doesn't have to help clean up.  How flippin' convenient! While I'm mashing the potatoes, slicing the ham and whipping the cream - do you think one of you could possibly set the table?  And after you're done stuffing your faces, rinse your dishes.  I'm not even asking for anyone to load the dishwasher, just clean up after yourselves. 

 

I thought MAYBE my Dad would come to my house, since we're not going there.  At least my bonus Mom would help. Heck no!  They going on a romantic weekend getaway.  Perfect!  All I want is some damned quality time, making Happy Thanksgiving memories with my family and that ain't gonna happen.  There are 51 other weeks in the year to have a romantic getaway.  Couldn't he spend just a little time with his oh-so-loving-sunny-dispositioned daughter?  Is that too much to ask? 

 

So.....off to the store after work today to pick up enough food to feed 24 people.  And enough wine to help that smile stay plastered on my face the whole.entire.day! (geez, I am getting to be more and more like my mother everyday. wish you were here, Mom.)

 

Happy Thanksgiving all! 

 

 

PS  I do feel bad for having these feelings.  This is the time of year to be thankful for what we have and not focus on the faults of the in-laws.  And I do have so much to be thankful for. Wally and Beaver are outstanding boys.  Funny, smart and the loves of our lives.  Ward has worked so hard to get to where he is!  He is a great husband and even greater father.  A good example for our boys.  We are all healthy! 

 

If my husband's family ever found this blog....I would die!  But it's better to spew it all out here instead of telling them all to go to hell on Thanksgiving, right?  Tell me I'm right?  I'm not some awful, ungrateful bitch? Right? Well at least not that awful or ungrateful.  Bitch? Well, I imagine if they had a blog, there's would go something like this today:

 

Mom just called.  She's not going to be able to be here for Thanksgiving! Great! That means we have to go over to the bitch's house this year.  Won't that be fun?  Why does she have to be so uptight at Thanksgiving?  I mean if she didn't want us to eat the cheese and crackers, why'd she put them out for pete's sake? And who the hell cares about garlic whipped potatoes?  Why can't she just make the normal, lumpy ones that we all like?  And why the heck does she get so bent out shape if we're 45 minutes late?  Load the dishwasher?  Heck no.  Last time we put all 75 plates and 41 cups in there, she rearranged everything!  It all would have gotten cleaned just fine the way we had it stacked.  We were pretty proud for having fit all the dishes in ONE load! Drink another glass of wine and loosen' up, woman!

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Best Text Ever

I don't want to get my hopes up, but I may be in the running for that "Mother of the Year" award afterall.....

 

Actual text message today, from Wally, from college:

 

I have a new found respect for you

for cleaning the microwave

for the past eighteen years. 

 

Who says a mother's work always go unnoticed?

Friday, October 23, 2009

Follow up Friday

Ok, so I've kinda let this blog go by the wayside.  It's been a combination of things.  Laziness, for one.  Busyness, for two.  I know.  How can you be busy and lazy?  Well, I get lazy because I'm so busy.  Understand? And boringness, for three.  Haven't really had much earth shattering news to post.  Or anything that is in true June form, that makes you sit back and say "Thank gawd that stuff happens to her and not me!"  Anyway.....I'm going to try real hard to post on Fridays.  Kind of a catch up day.  Think of it as a little "Fridays with June"  Something to look forward to. Yeah, right.  Anyway.

So......Beav and the Cheerleader?  It's over.  AND I still have a job.  She sent him a text.  A break-up text.  (Gah, what I would have given to be able to send a text, instead of having the awkward, breakup face-to-face like we did in the 80's!) Seems they make better friends than they do "friends", if that makes any sense.  But they are back to being friends, and my job is once again secure.  And Beaver doesn't seem to be too broken hearted about the whole thing. Can I get a collective "Whew" and a celebratory glass of wine, please?  Whew!   (Kinda wish she would have figured out the whole, "I like you better as friends, than a boyfriend" BEFORE I dropped $50 on that gawdawful corsage thingy!  AND KAT if you say one thing about it not being homemade, I may seriously come unglued and have to come and hunt you down with my hotglue gun.  The same hotglue gun I am forbidden to use.  Due to a lil mishap a few years ago.....we'll save that story for another Friday)

Last night was Beaver's last JV football game.  And what a game it was.  This was his first year.  So, he really didn't see a lot of playing time.  But last night?  Last night he was on fire.  They put him in on special teams and he had 5 tackles!  F-I-V-E!  All you heard from the announcer was, "And that was #4 on the tackle, Beaver Cleaver!"  Woooooo-hooooo!  Made a daddy proud.  Made a momma nervous, but proud.  I mean Beav doesn't weigh a whole heck of a lot and I was afraid he might get hurt!  It's been about 6 months since we've made a visit to the ER, and we're about due!  Anyway, isn't he handsome?  And tall?  When the heck did he get so tall?  He's only 15. 


 (to get the full effect of his "handsomeness" you might need to click on the pic to see it bigger! but don't forget to click the back button on your browser to come back and read the rest of this riveting post.  I'm too 'puter illiterate to figure out how to make it pop up in a new window, so that when you close the picture, you don't close the whole blog and then curse yourself like I do!)

And........see that little brown thing in my arms?  That sweet, little gob of goodness?  It's a puppy.  OUR new puppy!  Ward finally caved and agreed we could get another dog.  After we had to put our other dog down, I swore I would never get another.  But, as time has gone by and as our other dog, Sassy, has started to earn her name - as in tearing up the bathroom trash EVERY night - I've come to the conclusion that we needed another dog.  One, to keep Sass company and two, because I had a little empty place in my heart that only a puppy could fill.

Isn't she sweet?  And adorable?  Couldn't you just pick her up and nuzzle her?  Tell me what is sweeter than an 8-week old chocolate lab?  With floppy ears?  And yes, Jane, her paws do smell like Fritos!
 
 

This is Ward.  On the floor with Sassy. Trying to convince her that we still love her, too.  I'm no dog whisperer, but since Sassy won't even look at him, I'm pretty sure she isn't buying it!
















Oh, oh, oh!  And I forgot the best part!  Beaver and Ward left to go deer hunting today!  They won't be home until Wednesday.  So, what's so good about that?  I'm off from work on Monday and Tuesday! I have the house to myself, and my dogs, until Wednesday.  No supper to cook.  No text to answer.  No forgotten items to run up to the high school during my lunch hour.  No store to run by to pick up items for supper that I forgot to get when I was just there the day before! What's a woman to do?  Hmmm?  Not sure. But I have plenty of wine chillin' while I figure it out. Oh, that and I do have to housetrain a puppy.  So, don't get all jealous.  It's not going to be ALL fun and games!
Wish me luck!
Til next Friday,

Thursday, October 8, 2009

AND so it goes....

To all of you, thank you for your comments.  I love you all more than boxed wine. And you know how much I love boxed wine.  In fact, if all of you lived a little closer, I think my dependency on boxed wine would lesson.  Ok, probably not.  But seriously, thank you.  I asked for funny, and really there isn't anything funny about diabetes.  I just didn't know what to do or say.  But, I appreciate your comments and I know my sister does too.  On a good note, Beautiful Daughter #1 tested her own blood sugar the other day.  They've even talked about going with an insulin pump once her dad comes back from Kuwait. She is trooping along just fine.  Her triplet sister though, is not.  Seems she's coming down with every ailment in the world.  I think she has ADD.  You know "Attention Deficit Disorder".  Only I think the deficit is in the fact that she isn't getting any attention.  Or at least "feels" like she isn't.  My sister is a terrific mother to all three of those kiddos. 
So.....again, thank you.

And now......we resume our regular programming in the Cleaver household.  Tomorrow is "Homecoming".  In more than one way.  Beaver will suit out for the varsity homecoming game tomorrow night and stand on the sidelines for the entire game - and we will be so proud of him!  (He's JV, so he actually plays on Saturday.)  AND, Wally is coming home!  It's been almost a month since I've seen him! So......Wally will get to see his brother play.  Several of Wally's friends are also coming home for the weekend.  The get together for the parents and the college kids, after the game, is at our house.  I took tomorrow off so I can get all of the appetizers ready.  Can not wait!  Have my son home. Have friends over.  Good food, hopefully, and good times.  AND, I ordered the obligatory corsage for the Cheerleader.


Yes, I think it is probably bigger than all 5'2" of her, but supposedly - the bigger the better!  I don't get the whole thing, but what do I know?  

And after this week........and having to cough up money for a new water heater, and an alternator for Beav's car, and a spray-in bedliner for Ward's truck - I mean it is hunting season and he has to hookup the camper and we don't want to scratch the bed of the truck, because after all, it is a TRUCK, again, I don't get it, but anyway - and possibly having to cough up money for a new hitch because the old hitch doesn't fit this type of pickup.  Ohdontgetmestarted........

After this week, I could use a little fun with my sons and my friends! Oh, and with Ward, of course!

Monday, October 5, 2009

S.O.S.

I took down Friday's post.  Seemed kind of petty after I got into work this morning and had this email from my sister.....

Okay, I had this long email ready to send yesterday and it didn't go through so I'll retry it again......
On Thursday, Beautiful Daughter #1 (BD1)  had a doctors appointment because she had been using the bathroom so often at school.  Her teacher wondered if she was trying to get out of class and when I asked her about it she said she "had to go"  so I told her to stop drinking so much water and she said she was just always thirsty.  So the doc did a urinalysis on her and her sugar was extremely high.  He had us go down to Pordenone (about 40 minutes away) and have blood work done.  Once there her blood sugar was almost 400 (normal is 70-120).  They did other tests and confirmed it was diabetes.


They admitted her and started her on an IV and insulin.  Over the next three days we talked with Dieticians, Doctors and Diabetic Counselors (the three D's!).  As you can imagine it was nerve wracking.  We have to get treatment off base and with Hubby being in Kuwait it was pretty stressful.  I had friends take the kids for the three days we were there and that was hard.  I HATE asking for help and felt totally helpless.  They wanted to keep us until Monday but told them I had to go home for my other kids, so we finally made it home Saturday night.

So, this is what we know.  80% of her pancreas is not working.  Her body is producing antibodies to stop the insulin production.  Her body was dumping the extra sugar in her urine to get rid of it and in turn she was thirsty and trying not to get dehydrated.  They say that it's a genetic cause, not her lifestyle or diet.  They want the other two triplets also tested (please pray this is negative).  They also feel good that we caught this early.  They said that usually in kids it's found later once the diabetes has done damage to something else in the body.  All of her other labs for her kidneys and liver look normal.

Currently she is taking insulin 4 times a day and we check her BS before meals, give her a dose of insulin and then about 2 hours later I recheck just to make sure they are okay.  By looking at her you would never guess she has a problem.  She has been a trooper through it all really understands this.  Her doctors have her on a pretty strict diet as well.

We go back on Wed for a follow up and make adjustments as needed.  She knows she will always have this and will always have to take insulin.  Hubby keeps asking what complications this may cause in the future for her and right now I don't want to know.  We will have that conversation with the doctors when Hubby gets back in January.  Right now we are just letting this sink in.  I can't think about what may or may not happen down the road, that's for another day. 

Okay, sorry this so short and to the point but I'm tired and already typed it once!!!  Also, I'm a bit pissed that all of you live so far away from me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  We've had some great people help out but really when things like this happen you just want your FAMILY!!  Start applying for your work Visas and get your butts over here, PRONTO!

I'll update when I know something new.
Love
E

For those of you that haven't been around the block with me for a while, E is my younger sister.  The one I refer to as "Motherhen".  She got that nickname from me because she is sometimes a little bossy and controlling.  Sometimes. But more than that, she is a fantastic mother to 8 year old triplets.  She's stationed in Italy, with her husband.  Her husband has been deployed to Kuwait until January.  So......she's on her own right now.  With three kids.  Once recently diagnosed with diabetes. Trying to handle all of this the best that she can.

We sort of have this defect in our family.  It happens when we have to ask for help.  There's something about needing help that makes you feel a little out of control.  Don't know why.  But anyway.......I need your help.  I need your stories.  Your funnies.  Anything you can contribute regarding juvenile diabetes.  Maybe you know someone.  Maybe you have something funny to add.  We could use funny right now.  I don't know how to "fix" this for her.  I don't know what to say.  And being so far away, makes this suck even more. 
So, spill it.  Give me everything you got.  Help me, help my sister.  And those of you that know her blog, go by and leave a little inspirational comment or a funny.  She can take it.  You do see her last paragraph?  She's still got funny.  And if you have humor, you can get through just about anything.........

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

One Breakup Away From Being Unemployed

I have to say, even though there's been a downturn in the economy, I haven't had to worry about losing my job.  KNOCK.ON.WOOD.  I realize as soon as I say this, Karma will be right there saying, "Oh really, I'll fix her!"  But since I work in a small office, and people always need insurance, my job is pretty secure.  That is, unless my boss finds out about my on-the-job blogging addiction!  I'm sure there are plenty of women out there that are real estate/insurance agents, married to the chief of police and have two sons. Right?  Not like he's going to put two and two together and figure out it's me, if he ever does stumble across this blog.  Right? 

Well......bring in Beaver and now my job is in jeopardy.  Beaver asked someone to homecoming.  Last Thursday night, as I'm cleaning the kitchen, he comes in and drops the bomb on me.  Our little town has a tradition of the cheerleaders decorating the boy's football lockers before the games.  Beaver says he's going to put a note in his locker for one particular cheerleader asking her to the dance.  He's going to give her his combination and ask her to get something out for him so she'll find the invite.  I don't know if I was more in shock that Beaver was actually sharing this info with me - because he NEVER discusses girls with me - or with fact of who the cheerleader is.  He has known this girl since the 3rd grade.  They've become really good friends over the last two years.  He picks her up for school every day.  Ward teases him about her being his girlfriend and he always says, "We're just friends, dad!" They're friendship means a lot to him and I know it does to her, too.  I remember having guy friends in high school.  They were always the best friendships.  No catty backstabbing that sometimes occurs when girls are friends.  Beaver and the cheerleader have gone from being "just friends" to boyfriend and girlfriend.  Beaver's first girlfriend.  And this girlfriend isn't just any girlfriend.  She's my boss' granddaughter.  His first granddaughter....She's also the daughter of my co-worker.  I work for the cheerleader's grandpa and with her mother.

Really Beav, of all the girls at the high school, you had to pick this one?  Can you imagine how uncomfortable it is going to be to work here if something happens to their little budding romance?  And by "if", I mean "when".  Because let's face it, I don't really see 10th grade relationships having any longevity.  I may be wrong.....wouldn't be the first time. So....someone will break up with someone.  Let's say Beaver breaks up because, well he's Beaver and really, he's 15 and doesn't have it quite together yet.  The cheerleader's heart is now broken and everyone's mad at me for giving birth to the little heartbreaker!   Or, let's just imagine, Beaver does get it together.  I mean he'll be 16 in a little over a month. Good Lord!  My baby will be 16 soon!  16?  Already?  Really?  16 years.  Wow! Ok.........anyway.  Just imagine, Beaver has got it together and things are truckin' along fine.  Then out of the blue - she breaks up with him!  Why?  Because he forgets their "3 month anniversary" - I mean who wants to date a guy that can't even remember their anniversary EVERY MONTH?  Once again, everyone is mad at me because I gave birth to the insensitive lout.  See?  See what I mean?  Either way, I'm done.........

Good Lord, there isn't enough Zin on God's green earth to get me through this relationship!  I may have to up my game on this one.  

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Color me stupid!


Had a past client call me to do a market analysis on a home they purchased from me a year ago.  They had remodeled the entire house and were looking to sell it.  I did the market.  It was tough because the house is located in a neighborhood with a mixture of some nice homes and some that look like crack dealers live in them!  It was a tough analysis to do.  These people are friends.  They did a tremendous job remodeling the home.  My market came in around $80,000.  I explained that due to the condition of the surrounding homes, I just didn't feel it would sell for more.

Imagine my surprise when it hit the market today.  Listed by another agent.  For $124,500!  Uh oh.  What are the chances it could sell for that much?  And make me look like the most inept agent in the world?  I'll tell ya the chances!  We're talking about June Cleaver here.  The bad karma magnet.  The one who can't seem to follow any law, except for Murphy's.  It's going to happen! 

How bad of a person does it make me if I sit here and wish their home would sit on the market, month after month, price reduction after price reduction - until it sells for $80,000?  Well, in addition to being a whackjob and an agent with no feel for the market - now I am an evil woman, too.  And old.  Don't forget old.  I'm an old, washed up real estate agent!

Some one pass me the wine please. 






PS  I don't really want their home to sit on the market!  What kind of person do you people think I am?  I want it to sell for the highest price possible for them.  I'll be fine when they tell their friends not to use me because I almost cost them over $40,000, by underpricing their home.  Really.  I'll be fine. 

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Prayers Answered

Thank you all for the prayers - they worked! Beaver found his key! Or, actually, Ward did. Anyway. It has been found and we are now the proud owners of two keys!

So......I'm headed to the motorcycle rally. .38 Special concert on Friday and Skynyrd on Sunday. (Kat, I'll be thinking of you when they play "Simple Man")

Now, for more prayers. Beaver is staying home. By himself. For the first time. Actually he's staying with his best friend. Whose parents are also out of town until Sunday. Yes. I have lost my everlovin' mind. This is Beaver we are talking about. And yes, I've decided he doesn't have to stay with his grandma. So.....prayers, please. We've been over the whole trust issue and how hard it is to get trust back once it's broken. He's a good kid. But he is Beaver after all! The child who just lost his key. And now, I'm leaving him for two nights by himself. With his best friend. So technically, he's not by himself. But has an accomplice. Great. Good thinking, June.

I can just hear it now:

"Where exactly where you, Mrs. Cleaver, while your son was pulling this
little stunt? A concert? Oh, two concerts??? With "your
friends"? Exactly how old are you, Mrs. Cleaver??? 40? Really?
Didn't anyone ever tell you it's time to grow up?"

I'm sure this will be a relaxing weekend!

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Saint Zita, Saint Zita, Saint Zita!

 

Do me a favor, please?  Whether you believe, or not.  Please, please, please say a little prayer to Saint Zita.  A certain 15 year old in our house lost his keys last night.  His ONLY set of keys.  Well, not his only set.  We have another key.  It just won't start his car.  See, I had a key made when we bought the car, but his key has a chip in it. The key from Hellmart?  No chip.  And so, it won't start the car.  Called the dealership.  They can make a key.  Whew!  $35.  Not bad!  But, they have to make 2.  Ok, $70.  Here's the kicker, I have to bring the car to them to program it.  Which means I have to have it towed.  $75, plus $35, plus $35.....and we are supposed to leave this weekend for a trip.  A well-deserved and needed trip for a certain 40 year old in our house. 

 

AND if the 15 year old doesn't find his key, a certain 42 year old will be looking to me as to why we don't have a spare key that works.  Because, after all, IT IS ALWAYS MY FAULT.

 

People, if I don't get to take this trip, there may be some blood shed this weekend.  So....if you don't mind, "Saint Zita, patron saint of lost keys, please help June so she doesn't lose her everlovin' mind" 

 

Thank you.  And somebody pass me a glass of wine.

 

PS The 40th was amazing and I have a story to tell.  I did get Wally off to college without having a total breakdown.  AND I did recover after Beaver made me wait in the waiting room while he had his physical - Mr. Bigpants all of a sudden doesn't need his Momma.  But that's fine.  I'm ok with all of this.  Really!  And I have pictures (not of Beav's physical!).  And a post to follow.  But first, keys people.  I need those damned keys!

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

A day like any other day

 

So........well......Saturday is THE day.  The day I turn the big, freakin' four oh!  As in 40!  I keep feeling like I should be evaluating my life.  Reflecting on it.  Something.....  You know, come up with some sort of blog about what I've learned over my 40 years of life.  Something deep.  Meaningful.  But......I've done nothing.  Except for schedule a hair appointment.  I mean, if I have to act all "Crap, I hate this turning 40 stuff" - I might as well be able to bitch about how crappy my hair looks.  Which is what I always do after I get it done! Maybe it wasn't such a good idea to get my hair done on the BIG day!  I mean what if Ward actually does remember my birthday and throws me this big ole surprise party.  Only my hair is all jacked up and then I start crying when I walk in and everyone thinks it's because I'm so surprised and shocked, but really it's the hair?  What then?  I can't sit there and enjoy my surprise 40th birthday now, can I? I'll be all, "Why the hell did I get my hair cut today? Of all days....when will I learn?"  Obviously, it's going to take me longer than 40 years to learn that you never, ever get your hair cut when something big is about to happen!  But is 40 really such a big deal?  I mean really.  Think about it. Is it?  HELLYA it is!  And I for one am not showing up for my birthday - party or not - with this 'do. 

 

Ok seriously, there will be no party.  I am COMPLETELY ok and with that.  The difference between 30 and 40?  I WASN'T ok with no party at 30.  I was just sure Ward was going to have a surprise party for me.  Just like I had done two years earlier for him. I completely caught him off guard.  It was the surprise party to end all surprise parties.  So.....when my birthday came around - MY 30TH BIRTHDAY - no less, I just knew he was going to surprise me.  I got dressed that day.  Nothing was said.  I just kept thinking, "Boy is he ever good at this." 6 pm came.  Nothing.  7, we're still sitting there watching TV.  I think maybe I'll go apply some lip gloss, you know, for when everyone shows up.  8pm - Nothing.  8:30 he turns to me with this look on his face.  "I completely forgot your birthday!"  Still, I'm thinking, "Wow, he's really playing the part."   Another 1/2 hour later, I figure out he wasn't kidding.  There was no surprise party.  And I was pissed.  It's been good ammunition over the years.  We laugh now.  I still pull it out every once in awhile.  You know.  When he's rubbing it in that I've forgotten something.  "Yeah?  Well I never forgot my wife's 30th birthday!"  That usually shuts him up. 

 

I haven't done so much in the way of reflecting. But, I do keep wondering when in the hell I'm going to get my shit together?  Because let's face it, if you don't have it together by 40, chances are.......it ain't gonna happen.  Great! I'm gonna be this emotional, touch 'o lush, drama queen teetering on the edge of insanity for the next half of my life, too?  Wow.....

 

I'll take that glass of wine now!

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Why?

Why are some people so hellbent on being so damned difficult to deal with? Do they not know I forgot to take a picture of Beaver's first day of his sophomore year? (Yes, I'm sure I'll be paying for that when he drags me into therapy -"Oh yeah? You loved Wally enough. You took HIS picture. You always forget about me!") Do they not know that I am on the VERGE of turning 40? Don't they realize it's been three weeks since I've seen Wally? (yes, Beav, it is all about Wally. Go ahead and tell that to the therapist, too.) Don't they know I am having a bad hair day. AGAIN? And that I have 52.43 1/2 things to do in the next 3 hours?

Then why, pray tell, do they insist on adding more crap to my life that - in my weakened state- drives me to drink. MORE. Hmmmmm?

Some people. I swear!

Friday, August 14, 2009

My new mantra

 

Pink Naked Yoga Room.  Pink Naked Yoga Room.   PINK NAKED YOGA ROOM!!

 

I said this over and over in my head this morning - as I sat in the parking lot at work with tears running down my face.  It didn't help that Rob Thomas' "Here Diamonds" was playing.  As this starts playing...

Oh what the hell she said,
I just can't win for losing,
And she lays back down,
Man there's so many times,
I don't know what I'm doing,
Like I don't know now.

....and those tears just started rolling.  And then I thought "Pink Naked Yoga Room" and started to laugh.  So there I am, mascara running down my face and laughing.  My coworkers think I have truly, finally lost my mind!

 

Before you think, "Good God woman! Kids leave for college every day"  well, it's not just that.  If I only had to deal with that right now, I'd be shaky, but ok.  It's all the other day to day crap that's piled underneath that has to be dealt with too.  Sometimes....it's just too much. 

 

So.....Pink Naked Yoga Room.   Pink Naked Yoga Room!

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Conspiracy theory

 

Here's the conversation I imagine my boys must have had.....

 

Wally:  Hey Beav, you know how Mom is starting to lose her mind and all that.  You know, on account of how I'm headed off to college and all...

 

Beav: Yeah, Wally?  Why do you have to go and do a thing like that?  You know Mom isn't too stable as it is.  Why didn't you just stay home and get your basics here?  Or work at McDonald's or somethin'? Huh, Wally?

 

Wally:  Beav, I've got a plan. 

 

Beav:  Really?

 

Wally:  Yeah, how about you go out for for football this year.  Mom will be so freaked out about that, she probably won't notice that I'm even gone.....

 

Beav:  Well, but Wally, last time I played....well, they broke my arm.  Remember?

 

Wally:  Beav, you gonna be the baby your whole life? 

 

Beav:  Ok, Wally.  I'll do it....

 

 

Cut to last night, when Beaver brings his helmet home and Wally walks in with the totes he needs to pack his stuff for college.  See June?  That's her right there.  Headed to Hellmart for more wine.  Little stock tip - I'd suggest y'all buy some shares of Franzia, because their profits are sure to increase this year!  You can thank me later.  But for now.....I need you.  I really need you!  (Jane!Dammit, this is no time for you to go AWOL - or any of the rest of you for that matter!)

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Oh how lovely to be approaching 40

I sneezed today and wet my pants! What's next? Hot flashes?

Somebody please pass the wine......

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Grating on my last nerve

Dear co-worker,

It is not necessary for you to laugh that loud. Repeatedly. Sounds more like cackling than laughing. If I can hear you - all the way up here - in the front office, you're being too loud. Seriously. We all know your happy. Good for you. But somehow, that laugh? Doesn't seem so happy.

Hugs,

June

Dear Blogger,

I know you love that music. Me? Not so much. And since some of us pass the day at work by blogwalking (only occasionally, of course, (if my boss is reading this)) I would appreciate it if you would let me select whether the song plays. Ok? Nothing like trying to look like you're working and all of a sudden "Rumpshaker" starts blaring.

Thanks a bunch love,

June

Dear Ward,

Remember me? The one that has stood by your side for 20 years now? All the while you were making your way to that top? If you tell me "I gotta go" one more time, while I'm in the middle of trying to explain my latest crisis to you, I might think you don't appreciate me. And you do appreciate me, don't you? You appreciate those nice warm meals every night and those clean socks and underwear every morning, don't you? Well then, let me finish my sentence! Please......

Forever yours,

June

Dear Children,

I know you can drive yourselves everywhere now and you don't really need your mother any more. Except for meals. And well, actually you haven't been eating much of those at home lately either. I know you are extremely busy, what with each of sending over 4,000 texts (no joke!) in a month. But every once in awhile, throw your Momma a bone, and just for the hell of it, let her know when you won't be home for dinner. Moms tend to get a little grouchy when they work all day, stop by the store for food and whip up a 3 course meal for 4 - only to find out it'll only be two of us dining tonight. Ok boys?

Love you more than life,

Mom

PS Beaver, if you leave your wet towel on the floor, in front of the dryer again, I'm gonna have to end your life. I realize your Dad leaves his underwear on the floor outside of the shower every.single.day but you don't want to turn out like your dad, do you? Because someday you might get married. And your hormonal wife, that you just hung up on, might kill you. Just a little heads up Beav.

Dear on-line banking,

Please warn me when I sign on that you are extremely low and I probably don't want to look at the balance. Would ya? Just a little pop-up that says "Hide the debit cards June and don't spend anymore until payday" K? Would ya do that for me? It's really not good for me to use the MF word at work. OUT.LOUD. Ok?

Thanks so much!

June

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Fill in the blanks.....

 

I have so much to tell you and so little time to say it......so, I'm writing what I can and letting you fill in the blanks.

 

Beaver passed his driving test.  June has _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________!

 

The lovely ladies at the DMV would not accept the driving log that June, um, sorta "created".  Ward had to transfer the log on to the one the "nice" lady at the DMV gave him.

 

Ward was ___________________ and now he finally believes June when she says the people at the DMV are ________________.

 

Since Beaver has passed his driving test and there is less than a month left before Wally leaves for college, June is ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________!

 

Blankety, blankety, blankety, blankety, blankety, blank, blank, blank!!! 

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

The cycle is broken

 

A night in the Cleaver household.......

 

11:30 pm last night- I am making up preparing Beaver's 50 hour driving log - for his driving test at 8 am this morning.  Nothing like waiting til the last minute.  In my defense - because I always have a defense - maintaining the driving log falls on the person responsible for keeping track of the birth certificates, first lost tooth, blurry picture of first steps and the 5th grade Presidential award - which would be ME.  And at the present time, I don't know where any of those things are.  So.....that's why, if you had been in my kitchen last night, amongst the fondant and frosting splattered everywhere, you would have found Beaver's Mom remembering Beaver had to have his 50 hour driving log ready in 8 1/2 hours!

 

In comes Wally with a set of dishes, a washpan and silverware.  I really can't take this right now.  Not at this moment.

 

Me:  "Wally, whatya doin with all that stuff?  College isn't for another month."

 

Wally: "Yeah Ma, but I figure if I get a little bit here and there it will be easier and I won't be rushing at the last minute to get everything."

 

I think at that moment, the clouds opened and the angels sang!  Hallelujah!  The procrastination cycle that has woven itself through at least 5 generations of my family has been broken.  My job is done.  They can take me away now.  I'm ready for the white coat and the rubber room and someone to cook for me........

 

And then I cried.  And cried.  And cried.  Because my babies are growing up. Wally leaves in less than a month for college.  Beaver, if he passes his driving test this morning, will be allowed to drive by himself - WITHOUT ME! 

 

Some one pass me some wine please!

 

 

 

PS Beaver's test was at 8 am.  It's 8:55 now.  Haven't heard from him or Ward.  I'm not panicked.  Really I'm not!

Friday, July 17, 2009

Hello, hello, is this thing on?

Ooops!  Seems I disappeared again and still haven't posted pics from vacay.  BUT, in my defense, KAT, I have been extremely busy!  Ward is so busy being chief, I have to take up the slack.  And then there's the whole Wallysgoingtocollege - (ahhhhhhhhhh that I am in total denial about)!  Oh and there's Facebook.  If you aren't on, I suggest you get on. NOW.  Seriously. You really have no idea what you are missing!  It's much simpler than this whole blog thing.  No less time consuming, but hey - it's a more efficient way to waste time. If that makes any sense! 

Let's play catch up, shall we? 

Cozumel was a blast!  Yours truly actually ziplined and parasailed.  Mmm hmmm!  I was trying to flip my husband off after he made some comment about my sexy attire, but the gloves wouldn't cooperate!

 












That's me in front, screaming, "Oh shit, oh shit!" 





I was screaming for them to bring me down, but they couldn't hear me! 











That's me in the driver seat, next to Wally.  He let me drive back.  He regretted it though.  As soon as we pulled out, I ran straight into a tree!  There is no power steering on those things!!







Here's the guys!













And here's the ladies!











This is the whole crew - minus one.  We had a grandmother that couldn't ride the Xrails.  Beaver is next to me, on the bottom row.  Wally is sitting behind the lady with the long brown hair, and Ward is on the back row, second from the right.

 

Listening to the guide. I didn't hear the part where he said you had to turn the wheel reeeealllly hard!

(Please, no comments about the helmet.  You're just jealous. This, ladies, is sexy!)




Sexy at its' best!  Covered from head to toe in dirt.  I took my white shorts off before we started and even though it doesn't look like it, I did have swimming suit bottoms on under that pink thing!












Walking along the beach to the restaurant. My hair was cute that night.   But Cozumel is humid as all heck and by the time this picture was taken, it was just a frizzy mess!












Our "hotel room".  They were 4-plex huts.  Pretty cute!











Wally (in red) and his buds. 










 Time to go home.  Our last flight was delayed.  The boys crashed out on the floor.  I realize that an airport floor probably isn't the most hygienic place for these boys to lay down, but they're 18 - and headed off to college - and I'm sure they'll come into contact with things that are even more unhygienic.  Just trying to build up their immune systems before we send them off...........

So there you have it.  There's a picture of me linedancing - yes me, Ms. Uncoordinated herself.  Turns out you'll try anything after a few too many Dos Equis......I'm not going to post that pic though.  The helmet pics are embarrassing enough.

Now get off my back Kat......kiss, kiss, love ya woman!

Friday, June 19, 2009

I can only imagine what 40 will bring

8:45 am this morning:
**Ring-ring** try to locate my cell phone in my purse.
Me: "Hello"
Friendly Hygienist: "June, did you forget me?"
Me: "Oh shit! I'll be right there!" Me thinking, sonofagun, I completely forgot!
I had been on the waiting list to have my teeth cleaned. I had to cancel my last appointment because I "forgot" and so they put me on the list to be called if someone canceled. They called me the night before, at 5:30, while I was at Hellmart. Told me they had an opening for 8:30 and asked me if I could make it. Of course I could. Hung up and thought I will never remember that. So, brilliant me decides to call my work and leave myself a voicemail. I call, leave message "Teeth cleaning 8:30 today". Get to work. Completely forget to check my voicemail so that I could remember the appointment that I knew I would forget.
I get to the dentist's office and they tell me I way too young to be forgetting these things. I explain how I even left myself a voicemail, so I would remember, and then forgot to check it!
Bring on 40. Maybe I should see if the old folks home has an opening or see if I can get in on one of those Alzheimers studies.
Seriously, not remembering something that was told to you 15 hours ago is pretty pitiful! Dontchya think?
Ok, so I survived graduation. Wally was so handsome. (Picture here to follow later)
I also survived vacation. (Picture here of me parasailing - to follow later) (Picture here of me ziplining - to follow later) (Picture of me dancing my booty off - to follow later)
My husband was also promoted when we returned. You are looking at reading the lady that is married to - get this! - the Chief of Police! Uh - huh! Get out! No seriously! I am. Shut up! I know, I can't believe it either. So now......well I gotta clean up my language, slow down when I'm driving and cut back on my copious consumption of boxed wine.......seriously though, I am so proud of him. (Picture of handsome husband here - to follow oh hell, here you go:











PS Disclaimer: pictures to follow if I can remember to get back here and remember to post them!

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Tell me, tell me, tell me

 

Is it possible to lose 20 lbs in 17 days?  Please tell me yes.  Please.  Because if I actually do get my smile bright enough and my skin tan enough, what good is it going to do if I look 3 months pregnant in all of my vacation photos, huh?  So tell me - "Yes June, it is possible to lose 20 lbs in 17 days."  And then tell me exactly how....please.  I am a woman that needs directions.......

 

And for the love of Mary Kate and Ashley, don't tell me it isn't possible.  Close to the edge people.  I'm THIS close to the edge.  Don't push me. 8 days til graduation.  8 days! How is that possible? I just graduated not that long ago.  Really.  Let's see 2009 minus 1987, make the 0 a 10, minus 8, ummmmm 2 years ago, right?  WTH!  22 years ago!  Huh? Where has 22 years gone? My knees are starting to go a little weak. 

 

17 days til vacation.  How the hell did it get to be 17 days already?  I had a plan to lose a little at a time.  But let's just say that hasn't worked out and time got away from me and now I'm gonna look like a big 'ole beached whale in my Jacqueline Smith Kmart bathing suit - one piece, of course.  Ok I don't really have a bathing suit yet.  I'm in total denial about this whole weight thing.  Somewhere in the back of my little mind, there's a voice saying, "You'll lose that gut"  So why go try on bathing suits now and then just get depressed?

Really, why do that to myself.  Plus, it's so much fun to wait until 2 days before vacation to try and find a swimming suit - in a town with a population of 25,000.  oooo weeeee!  The choices. 

 

So, tell me....it is possible to lose 20 lbs in your mid-section and have killer toned abs, right?  Right?

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

I think I need a warning label.....

 

You know I've always laughed at the warning tag on my blowdryer.  You know the one that says not to use it while taking a bath.  I've always thought, "What idiot would dry their hair while taking a bath?"  Or the styrofoam coffee cups with the warning, "Caution, hot liquid"  Seriously? I had no idea coffee was served hot!  Some people are soooo stupid....

 

Yesterday, I fell into the category of stupid people and nearly died in the process - in my defense there was no warning label.  In my quest for the perfect vacation, perfect body, perfect smile.....you'll recall I almost blinded myself in a tanning bed.  Well, that wasn't enough to scare me and I decided my smile was just too yellow in every photo I am in.  Years of smoking and drinking coffee and drinking wine and well, just years and years of living have caused my pearly whites to turn yellow.  So, not having the cash to actually go to the dentist and plop down the $$ to have it professionally done, I decided to opt for an at home whitening kit.  I chose the one that rhymes with "Frest White Strips".  (I don't want to name the actual company.  I may need to pursue a lawsuit at some point in the future.  I don't need them countersuing me and saying I slandered them.)  In as little as 30 minutes - twice a day - you can have dramatically whiter teeth! And if you know me, I am all about dramatic!  This was perfect. 

 

The first clue that I probably shouldn't have attempted to do this by myself was when I opened the little packet and applied the strip backwards!  They are these clear looking band-aid things with gel on one side.  You are supposed to apply them to your teeth - gel side facing your teeth, line up with your gums and press.  I pulled my fingers away and the damned strip was stuck to my finger.  In all my brilliance, I had applied the the slick side to my teeth and the gel side to my finger.  Way to go!

 

Not one to give up, I opened a second package and tried again.  This time they stuck!  I smiled.  I was on my way to one brilliant smile.  This is going to be the vacation of a lifetime!

 

These "strips"  are not the most comfortable things to have in your mouth.  They stay put for the first 12 seconds and then anytime you swallow or breathe, they feel like they are coming off.  5 minutes into this thing, I decided I should take a little nap for the last 25 minutes.  Try to keep my mind of swallowing and breathing.  Seemed like a good idea at the time and this is the part where there probably should have been some type of warning on the box.  You know, for stupid people like me!

 

I must have dozed off and started breathing again.  Wouldn't you know it?  One of those little suckers came off of my teeth and was lodged in the back of my throat.  All but closing off my airway. Gasping, and hacking and coughing - and just about to turn blue - I ran for the bathroom.  I was groggy at first and thought someone was trying to strangle me.  Then I remembered the strip, which was missing from my top teeth!  Somehow, I guess from the adrenaline, I was able to perform the heimlich maneuver on myself against the counter.  Except for instead of the strip coming out - it went all the way in.  At this point, I have no idea what damage that plastic stuff is going to do to my insides as it tries to make it's way out of my body.  (hence the possible need for litigation against "Frest") BUT, once again, I survived!

 

Now don't you think they should have a warning label that "Should not be used when you are sleeping"?  Surely I'm not the only person that decided to nap while they had these things on......am I?

 

I was thinking about getting a bikini wax for my hoo-ha.  But I really don't think I need to press my luck any further!

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Trying to get back here......

Ok, don't throw things at me. Please. I'm sorry for leaving this little blog sittin' here for so long and not writing anything.  I didn't mean to.  See, the thing is, I won the lottery and I don't have time for you people anymore.  What with having to pick out my new mansion, and I was finally able to afford a good hairdresser - and DAMN do I look good, even if I do say so myself, and then there's all the parties, you know.  Well, I guess - since you're not rich - you don't know.  But trust me, I am one busy woman! Money does strange things to people.  Ward tells me he loves me every day and that I am just the most amazing woman!  Beaver has even started to unload the dishwasher without being told!  And Wally?  That Wally!  He doesn't think I am the world's dummest person anymore.  He actually comes to me for advice! Can you believe it?

 

 

 

***************************************************************************************

 

 

Ok, ok.  So I didn't win the lottery.  My life is still one big glob of unorganized crappola - my hair still looks like shit! And who really wants to sit there and read about poor, poor pitiful June and blah-blah-blah......Hmmm?  Not me!  It just seems like every time I turn around there's another problem to face.  Another fire to put out.  Another bill to ignore.......

 

So, I'm not gonna bitch about how I didn't really realize when I said "in sickness and in health" how all of the sickness would manifest itself in a 60 day time period.  I mean really, as sympathetic as this wife is, when I tell you you are fine, I don't think we need to head to the emergency room so that I can figure out how to pay a $700 bill - and then find out you are actually gonna live after all.  Because for $700, I at least want some type of medical diagnosed EMERGENCY.  You know, since it is called the emergency room and all.  And the next time the nurse asks what your pain level is, I would suggest that you don't say a "1".  Because your wife might come unglued and lose the rest of her everlovin' mind.

 

See, I'm bitching again.  And who wants to read about that?

 

Same as who wants to read that I have only closed on one house this whole year.  ONE.  I usually sell about a house a month.  My commission from selling is our cushion money.  It's for the extras.  Like when the price of gas goes up.  Or milk approaches $4 a gallon.  We have no cushion people.  I have two houses under contract right now and they both are about to crash.  There isn't enough wine in the world to dull the thoughts of "What in the hell am I gonna do if I don't start selling some houses soon??" 

 

But again, I'm whining.

 

Ok, so not to whine.  I'll tell you something a little funny.  We are supposed to go on vacation - in less than 25 days.  (please don't ask how the hell I am going to pay for vacation when I was just bitchin' about a $700 emergency room bill.  Ok?  please. the cost of this vacation has also added to my heightened stage of anxiousness.......)

So I decide I'm going to start tanning before I go.  That way when I'm laying my fat duff out on the beach, umbrella drink in hand, I won't burn.  I haven't been in a tanning bed since I was 18.  Which was over 30 years a long time ago.  The lady that owns the shop was showing me how to operate it and answering my questions of which type of bed do I use - the stand up or the lay down - and do people really get in there naked?  And so on and so on.  So, then she has me sign all of the required paperwork and asks, "You did bring goggles, right?  Because I require everyone to wear goggles.  These beds can do a lot of damage to your eyes."  And of course, my tightwad self says, "Of course I did."  Completely lying my derriere off! She shows me to the room and I get all ready.  Decided on the stand up bed.  5 minutes.  Get the side walls all pulled in and reach for the button to start it.  That thing was LOUD when it started and I screamed.  And of course, because I'm an idiot - I also hadn't closed my eyes yet and those lights ARE so flippin blinding!  So I'm screaming and closing my eyes as tight as I can, and thinking the whole time, "Holy shit I'm blind!  I lied and now I'm blind!"  I'm telling you that was the longest 5 minutes of  my life.  I kept praying that I wouldn't be blind.  I didn't even want to peek - just in case I wasn't and then the light would hit it again and then I would really be screwed.  My five minutes are finally over.  And I stood there.  Thinking.  Wondering.  Seriously pondering.  What if I did go blind? 

 

Thank God I didn't.  It's given me a whole new lease on life.  Changed my attitude; those 5 minutes did!  Ok, maybe not.  But I am here to tell you, today when I go, I'm gonna make danged sure I close my eyes BEFORE I hit the button!

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Good-bye girl

There's something about waking up in the morning, walking in the kitchen and not seeing your dog sprawled out on the kitchen floor - tail raising up and down to greet you.  Something that tells you Wednesday isn't going to be much better than Tuesday. 





Goodbye girl.  We'll miss you.

Monday, March 9, 2009

Monday Rant

 

Shit I don't necessarily want to deal with right now.....

 

1.  Daylight savings time - I'm all for it staying light out longer, but losing that hour?  And just when I get used to it we "fall" back.  Leave the time alone and stop fecking with it!

 

2.  The truck.  As in Wally's truck.  As in the truck that is supposed to take him back and forth to college for the next four years.  It's crapping out on us.  Every time we turn around, something needs to be fixed.  Not exactly what I want my son to be on the highway with.  Buy another vehicle?  Another car payment? Umm, no we're a one car payment at a time family.  We have less than a year to pay off our vehicle.  But this truck won't last another year.  Again, something I don't want to deal with right now.

 

3.  My dog is dying........the dog we have had for 14 years.  I know I need to take her and have her put down.  I can not put her in the car and take her to the vet.  I need to, but I can't.  That's selfish, I know.  The vet told us we wouldn't have her much longer.  But, she still wags her tail when you she sees you.  There's still life in her.  Oh geez.  This is going to kill Beaver.  They've grown up together. 

 

4.  I need to get my family to the post office and order passports.  Those passports are going to cost $400.  I don't have an "extra" $400 lying around.  Have to figure something out.  We are supposed to be going to Mexico for vacation.  You may be saying, "June, maybe you shouldn't be taking a vacation when you can't afford to purchase the passports."  To which I will respond, "GET OFF MY BACK PEOPLE"  You may remember I didn't get a vacation last year.  My bonus from work went to building a shop.  I NEED A VACATION.  Ok? 

 

5.  My sex life.  Or lack of one.  TMI, I know.  But, it's me.  Not him.  How many times a week/month/year is normal?  Because I'm pretty sure I'm not normal..............

 

Well, that about sums it up.  Five things I don't want to deal with right now.  But, since no one else is volunteering to take care of these things, I guess it's up to me to deal with.  Tomorrow though.  Not today. 

Friday, February 27, 2009

Birthday Letter

 

Dear Wally,

 

Wow!  So, Sunday you turn 18.  18 years old! 6,570 days, give or take a few for all of the leap years, or 157,680 hours old.  How did you already get to be 157,680 hours old?  Sounds like a lot of time, I know. But, I can assure you, it has flown by faster than I would have liked it to.

 

I remember the day you were born........  Don't roll your eyes. Humor your 'ole mom, will ya?   You started to make your entrance into the world at 2:30 that morning.  Your Grandma called the police academy and asked them to tell your Dad it was time.  I started to get ready for your birth.  I went in and curled my hair and put on my makeup.  (I had seen photos of mothers looking a wreck after giving birth and I had no intentions of looking like that in our first picture together. I was 21 and stupid, of course.) Your Dad was four hours away and still beat us to the hospital!  Clearly, he was not as concerned about us being fashionable parents as I was.  He was wearing maroon sweatpants, black socks and a red ARMY sweatshirt.  What was he thinking? Anyway.....He called the house in a panic and your Grandma explained that we were still at home waiting for the contractions to come a little closer.  They were very mild and still pretty far apart.  I thought to myself that this whole birthing thing was going to be a piece of cake!  Boy, did you have me fooled!

 

We made our way to the hospital around 8 that morning.  I was excited and ready.  You, on the other hand, decided to take your sweet time in making your appearance.    I think you had decided that you weren't so sure about the whackjob of a mother (aka ME) that was about to raise you and decided to maybe just stay inside forever!

 

I remember watching the coverage of the Gulf War on the TV in the labor room.  Hoping your Dad would not be called back into the Army.  It was bad enough that he had decided to become a police officer, which scared me to no end, but at least he would be here, in the US, to help me with you.  And trust me, I needed all the help I could get! 

 

There are a couple of things that I did during your birthday that I'm not really proud of or have any explanation as to why I did them.  I blame it on the fact that I went through this whole thing with no drugs. AT ALL.  Not by my choice. Because when that first, really hard contraction hit, I started screaming for the drugs!  I was told I wasn't far enough along.  And then when I was far enough, it was too late to give me any. 

 

Anyway...I sorta put your Dad in a headlock.  It was in a moment of pain.  Really.  I whispered something to him and as he bent closer to hear me, I choked him and said if he ever did this to me again I would kill him.  Like I said, I'm not proud.

 

I may have also called the sweet, labor room nurse a bitch - under my breath, of course.  She kept telling me to take deep breathes and I kept telling her to find the doctor.  I wanted drugs dammit!  Sorry, again, I'm not proud.

 

Just as I was sure that you were finally ready, about 10:15 that night, I went into the bathroom - midcontraction, half stooped over - and touched up my makeup.  I had been a little sweaty and my hair had started to clump on my head, and I thought a little lipstick would do the trick to brighten up my haggard appearance.  Chalk that one up to being 21, stupid and no drugs.  Ok?

 

At 10:29 you finally came out.  You were this little, blue shriveled thing and the most adorable baby I had ever seen.  At that moment, all of the pain faded and I started to cry.  I had never experienced that feeling in my life.  To look at a person, for the first time, and have so much love for them. 

 

They wheeled me out of the delivery room.  By this time, I was sporting the Alice Cooper look.  My mascara had run down my face and I was a mess, to say the least!  I was glad we had forgotten the camera.  (This would be a prelude to the many important times in your life when I forgot the camera!)

 

The hospital saw the way we looked, me as the haggard rockstar and your dad as a fashion nightmare and still, they let us take you home!  Many times, throughout the years, I would try to take you back to that hospital and demand a refund!  There was the time you were helping your Dad "fix" the toilet and you whacked it with a wrench and busted the tank, water gushing everywhere......the night before your Grandma and Grandpa were coming to visit us at the new house for the first time.  Then there was the time that you showed your friend how you would use the mini-bat, that the smoke alarm salesmen left at your house, to bust out the window if ever there was a fire.  The times you and brother almost killed each other.  Why would you push him off of the sky fort? Just because he had a towel wrapped around his shoulder, he was not Superman! I also remember the first summer I let you and Beaver stay home alone, while I went to work.  The fights.  The calling, "Mom, Beaver won't.....", "Mom, Wally keeps........"  Remember when I had enough and told you I would be right there and hung up?  And you two little heathens locked the door on me?  Remember that?  Yeah, well I want to apologize.  When I finally made it in the house and muttered under my breathe that I couldn't wait until you were grown, and out of my house, I wasn't being serious. It was in the moment of a mother's frustration. 

 

I didn't know that you would grow up.  That you would grow into this amazing young man.  The young man that everyone wants as a son or wants their daughter to date (that's what your coach said, if he had a daughter.....).  I'm lucky enough, that you are my son.  You have a willingness to help others and put them first.  Don't ever lose that, son.  It speaks to the kind of person that you are, the character you have. 

 

Soon, you will graduate and be off to college.  You'll do what I had muttered under my breathe all those years ago - grow up and move away from home.  The tears that will come, aren't so much from pain, although it does hurt to see you go, they come from pride.  I am so proud of you.  I can't put into words how much you have brought to my life!  You'll understand. Someday.  When you have kids.

 

I love you, son.  Happy Birthday!

 

Love,

Mom

Friday, February 20, 2009

Beaver and a girl, sitting in tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g

 

Beaver, the 15 year old, asked if he could go to a friend's house tonight to watch a movie.  Let me clarify - a girl's house.  I was completely fine with this.  Really.  Until.......he asked if he could come home after baseball tryouts and take a shower BEFORE going to her house.  Beaver is boy.  Therefor, Beaver smells.  Smells don't bother Beaver.  In fact, he can't smell himself.  Which amazes me.  Because, well, he stinks!  But now he's asking if he can shower his sweaty 'lil stinky self before he goes to watch a movie - with.a.girl. 

 

Do you think it's time we have "the talk"?

 

 

(Beaver, if you ever read this, know that I love you more than life itself.  Even if you are a bit odorifous at times, I still love you very much.  Please don't drag me on to Dr. Phil and tell the whole world about how you grew up to have no self-esteem because your mother was always asking you if you took a shower and remembered to put deodorant on.  Ok, honey?  I love you tons. xoxo)




How much wine can a mother drink - when she finds out her son is growing up - and not be considered a lush?  Ah to hell with it.  I'm about to have an 18 year old son in less than 8 days, I'll turn 40 in less than 7 months and now my baby is falling for a girl!   I guess it's safe to assume that 'ole June will be slushy-lushy for many more months to come.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Husbands........

Life, according to So Not June Cleaver:



Husbands


are


stupid.


Nuff said.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Senior moment

 

Liquid lunch, anyone?  Yeah, today is going that well!  Was off from work yesterday and I'm paying for it today.  Senior night for basketball is tonight.  Bad news: I used my lunch hour getting stuff done for tonight.  Stuff that other people were supposed to take care of!  But we're not going to dwell on that, now are we?  But......never mind.  Not even going to get into it. Good news: This is my last night to work the concession stand and take care of all of the crap that goes with that.  Hallelujah!  And June will not be volunteering for the booster club next year. Got it?

 

Wally's last game.  He's a senior, you know.  Or have I already mentioned that?  **Sniffle-sniffle**  Anyway.  Kind of a sad night.  But I'll be fine.  Really.  I'll be crying in the picture that they take when we escort Wally on to the court.  BUT, I won't be crying because it's his last game.  No, I'll be crying, because once again - due to 80 mph winds today - I will look like shit in yet another picture.  And maybe, I'll be just a little teary-eyed because it's not all about me, it is about Wally.  And him being one step closer to moving on.........

 

Someone pass the wine please,

SNJ

 

PS Remind me to tell you later about what Ward did and why I'm so paranoid about crappy pictures of me. 

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Idiots R uS

Dear IRS,


Kiss my ass! Both cheeks! You flippin butthugs.

Up until now, we've had a pretty straight forward relationship. I get paid. You take a portion of my paycheck. At the end of the year, I file my taxes and take a portion back. Has worked fine for me for 31 years. (Holy crap I can't believe I have been paying taxes for that many years. That in itself calls for a glass of wine. Don't you think?)



So what the hell exactly happened this year? How come you took money from me every payday and now I still owe you more money? Hmm? I'll tell you how come! One of you freaking geniuses came up with a child tax credit. A nice little perk of being able to deduct $1,000 for each qualifying child. And you sweetened the deal. You didn't just let us deduct that $1,000 from our income. It came off of the taxes that we owed! Sa-weet! I kind of took it like you at least owed me this. I mean I did procreate and produce two more future taxpayers for you.




What would you suppose a a qualifying child would be? I suppose it would be a child who is still living in your house, attending high school, eating you out of house and home, one that you clothe, and is using your vehicle and your gas and who is not presently employed. Meaning he is not a taxpayer - YET!



But you guys? No you stupid sonafa, excuse me, you schmucks decide they have to be younger than 17! Which one of you melonheads came up with that age? Did your sons & daughters start supporting themselves at 17? Did I miss something? Should I have been helping Wally look for an apartment and a job at 16? So, by 17 he would be on his feet and ready to start paying taxes? Hmmm? I thought by letting him get a high school education, he would be prepared to head off to college and become a productive citizen. He's a pretty smart kid and you guys will get more money out of him if he's educated and has a higher paying job. Or didn't you figure that into your lil' tax credit.



So, I owe you this year. If you want me to pay you, get in line. I'll send you the money just as soon as I pay the increase in my property taxes and the doctors that need my deductible paid (even though I pay an arm and a leg for health insurance). And as soon as I figure out how to pay for the increase in gas prices and groceries, I'll be sure to pay you too.



Yours Truly,



So Not June Cleaver



PS If I should have addressed this letter to congress, if they're the ones that came up with this credit, would you be so kind as to forward this to them? And if it should have gone to congress instead of you, please accept my apologies and take my name off of your audit list! Thankyouverymuch.

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Hang on, I'm coming!

I'm working on getting around to all of your blogs and commenting on them. I know how you just live for my comments. Right? You don't? Throw me a bone will ya? My life isn't the greatest (it isn't the worst, but it could definitely be better) and I could use all of "June we need you so much" to boost my poor, poor, pitiful me soul! Ok, so let's just pretend you all live for my comments. That's better. I will be by and play catch up. Make sure you have a glass of wine ready for me!

See you soon!

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Excuse me while I curl up into a ball.....

 

This post was turning out to be one of whiniest in history - even for me. The resident bitch whiner.  So, I hit the backspace key and deleted the whole thing!  Because I can.  Because this blog is MINE.  It is probably the only thing in my life that I am in total control of.  Everything else?  In my life? Absolutely no control over.  None.  Zip.  I don't know when I lost control, or if I ever really had it.  I'm sure, at some point, it was at least manageable.  Wasn't it?  I seem to remember a time when life was manageable. 

 

It isn't even the fact that I want to be in total control.  Because I don't.  In fact, nothing would make me happier than for someone else to be in control and just tell me how the hell I'm supposed to make this shit work.  I would like the responsibility of taking care of EVERYTHING to be someone else's.  That would suit me just fine.

 

No more appointments to make.  Appointments to remember to go to.  Or remember to take your kids to. No more dealing with stupidity.  (Why would you order a blackberry when you can't even manage to change a roll of toilet paper by yourself?) Not having to worry about bills to pay.  No more having to plan for dinner in the morning.  Do I have canned tomatoes?  Did I tell the boys I loved them enough today?  Enough to keep them from turning out like some of those other kids have - even though those kids also had parents that loved them? Not having to go online and check your checking account balance.  That's someone else's responsibility.  Not having to worry if there's enough money for college. No more worrying that it's still 4 days til payday and you've already dipped into your reserves by $300!    No trying to figure out how to pay for vacation now, when your bonus isn't until April. No worrying what you will do if you don't get a bonus this year.  Not having to wait 5 months to have my hair done, because there's money there to do it. And if there's not?  Well someone else will have to go without. 

 

Well, it looks like this has turned out whiney anyway.  Tough shit.  I'm stressed.  I'm tired.  I'm done. 

 

Somehow, it will all work out in the end. 

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Lord help me!

My 15 year old baby starts drivers ed today! I'll take a glass of wine now please.


I've been out of it for awhile and while away, wouldn't you know it? 2009 just up and arrived all in your face without even allowing me time to make any resolutions. So, I guess you're stuck with June the lunatic lush for another year. Actually, my resolution is to just.make.it through the 2009.

If - and that's a big if - I can make it through '09, I promise you'll see a much more calm, less lushier June in 2010.



I'll explain more later. When I have time. Right now I need to come to terms with having another teenage driver in my household.......