You know I've always laughed at the warning tag on my blowdryer. You know the one that says not to use it while taking a bath. I've always thought, "What idiot would dry their hair while taking a bath?" Or the styrofoam coffee cups with the warning, "Caution, hot liquid" Seriously? I had no idea coffee was served hot! Some people are soooo stupid....
Yesterday, I fell into the category of stupid people and nearly died in the process - in my defense there was no warning label. In my quest for the perfect vacation, perfect body, perfect smile.....you'll recall I almost blinded myself in a tanning bed. Well, that wasn't enough to scare me and I decided my smile was just too yellow in every photo I am in. Years of smoking and drinking coffee and drinking wine and well, just years and years of living have caused my pearly whites to turn yellow. So, not having the cash to actually go to the dentist and plop down the $$ to have it professionally done, I decided to opt for an at home whitening kit. I chose the one that rhymes with "Frest White Strips". (I don't want to name the actual company. I may need to pursue a lawsuit at some point in the future. I don't need them countersuing me and saying I slandered them.) In as little as 30 minutes - twice a day - you can have dramatically whiter teeth! And if you know me, I am all about dramatic! This was perfect.
The first clue that I probably shouldn't have attempted to do this by myself was when I opened the little packet and applied the strip backwards! They are these clear looking band-aid things with gel on one side. You are supposed to apply them to your teeth - gel side facing your teeth, line up with your gums and press. I pulled my fingers away and the damned strip was stuck to my finger. In all my brilliance, I had applied the the slick side to my teeth and the gel side to my finger. Way to go!
Not one to give up, I opened a second package and tried again. This time they stuck! I smiled. I was on my way to one brilliant smile. This is going to be the vacation of a lifetime!
These "strips" are not the most comfortable things to have in your mouth. They stay put for the first 12 seconds and then anytime you swallow or breathe, they feel like they are coming off. 5 minutes into this thing, I decided I should take a little nap for the last 25 minutes. Try to keep my mind of swallowing and breathing. Seemed like a good idea at the time and this is the part where there probably should have been some type of warning on the box. You know, for stupid people like me!
I must have dozed off and started breathing again. Wouldn't you know it? One of those little suckers came off of my teeth and was lodged in the back of my throat. All but closing off my airway. Gasping, and hacking and coughing - and just about to turn blue - I ran for the bathroom. I was groggy at first and thought someone was trying to strangle me. Then I remembered the strip, which was missing from my top teeth! Somehow, I guess from the adrenaline, I was able to perform the heimlich maneuver on myself against the counter. Except for instead of the strip coming out - it went all the way in. At this point, I have no idea what damage that plastic stuff is going to do to my insides as it tries to make it's way out of my body. (hence the possible need for litigation against "Frest") BUT, once again, I survived!
Now don't you think they should have a warning label that "Should not be used when you are sleeping"? Surely I'm not the only person that decided to nap while they had these things on......am I?
I was thinking about getting a bikini wax for my hoo-ha. But I really don't think I need to press my luck any further!