Ok, don't throw things at me. Please. I'm sorry for leaving this little blog sittin' here for so long and not writing anything. I didn't mean to. See, the thing is, I won the lottery and I don't have time for you people anymore. What with having to pick out my new mansion, and I was finally able to afford a good hairdresser - and DAMN do I look good, even if I do say so myself, and then there's all the parties, you know. Well, I guess - since you're not rich - you don't know. But trust me, I am one busy woman! Money does strange things to people. Ward tells me he loves me every day and that I am just the most amazing woman! Beaver has even started to unload the dishwasher without being told! And Wally? That Wally! He doesn't think I am the world's dummest person anymore. He actually comes to me for advice! Can you believe it?
Ok, ok. So I didn't win the lottery. My life is still one big glob of unorganized crappola - my hair still looks like shit! And who really wants to sit there and read about poor, poor pitiful June and blah-blah-blah......Hmmm? Not me! It just seems like every time I turn around there's another problem to face. Another fire to put out. Another bill to ignore.......
So, I'm not gonna bitch about how I didn't really realize when I said "in sickness and in health" how all of the sickness would manifest itself in a 60 day time period. I mean really, as sympathetic as this wife is, when I tell you you are fine, I don't think we need to head to the emergency room so that I can figure out how to pay a $700 bill - and then find out you are actually gonna live after all. Because for $700, I at least want some type of medical diagnosed EMERGENCY. You know, since it is called the emergency room and all. And the next time the nurse asks what your pain level is, I would suggest that you don't say a "1". Because your wife might come unglued and lose the rest of her everlovin' mind.
See, I'm bitching again. And who wants to read about that?
Same as who wants to read that I have only closed on one house this whole year. ONE. I usually sell about a house a month. My commission from selling is our cushion money. It's for the extras. Like when the price of gas goes up. Or milk approaches $4 a gallon. We have no cushion people. I have two houses under contract right now and they both are about to crash. There isn't enough wine in the world to dull the thoughts of "What in the hell am I gonna do if I don't start selling some houses soon??"
But again, I'm whining.
Ok, so not to whine. I'll tell you something a little funny. We are supposed to go on vacation - in less than 25 days. (please don't ask how the hell I am going to pay for vacation when I was just bitchin' about a $700 emergency room bill. Ok? please. the cost of this vacation has also added to my heightened stage of anxiousness.......)
So I decide I'm going to start tanning before I go. That way when I'm laying my fat duff out on the beach, umbrella drink in hand, I won't burn. I haven't been in a tanning bed since I was 18. Which was
over 30 years a long time ago. The lady that owns the shop was showing me how to operate it and answering my questions of which type of bed do I use - the stand up or the lay down - and do people really get in there naked? And so on and so on. So, then she has me sign all of the required paperwork and asks, "You did bring goggles, right? Because I require everyone to wear goggles. These beds can do a lot of damage to your eyes." And of course, my tightwad self says, "Of course I did." Completely lying my derriere off! She shows me to the room and I get all ready. Decided on the stand up bed. 5 minutes. Get the side walls all pulled in and reach for the button to start it. That thing was LOUD when it started and I screamed. And of course, because I'm an idiot - I also hadn't closed my eyes yet and those lights ARE so flippin blinding! So I'm screaming and closing my eyes as tight as I can, and thinking the whole time, "Holy shit I'm blind! I lied and now I'm blind!" I'm telling you that was the longest 5 minutes of my life. I kept praying that I wouldn't be blind. I didn't even want to peek - just in case I wasn't and then the light would hit it again and then I would really be screwed. My five minutes are finally over. And I stood there. Thinking. Wondering. Seriously pondering. What if I did go blind?
Thank God I didn't. It's given me a whole new lease on life. Changed my attitude; those 5 minutes did! Ok, maybe not. But I am here to tell you, today when I go, I'm gonna make danged sure I close my eyes BEFORE I hit the button!