Thursday, May 14, 2009

Tell me, tell me, tell me


Is it possible to lose 20 lbs in 17 days?  Please tell me yes.  Please.  Because if I actually do get my smile bright enough and my skin tan enough, what good is it going to do if I look 3 months pregnant in all of my vacation photos, huh?  So tell me - "Yes June, it is possible to lose 20 lbs in 17 days."  And then tell me exactly how....please.  I am a woman that needs directions.......


And for the love of Mary Kate and Ashley, don't tell me it isn't possible.  Close to the edge people.  I'm THIS close to the edge.  Don't push me. 8 days til graduation.  8 days! How is that possible? I just graduated not that long ago.  Really.  Let's see 2009 minus 1987, make the 0 a 10, minus 8, ummmmm 2 years ago, right?  WTH!  22 years ago!  Huh? Where has 22 years gone? My knees are starting to go a little weak. 


17 days til vacation.  How the hell did it get to be 17 days already?  I had a plan to lose a little at a time.  But let's just say that hasn't worked out and time got away from me and now I'm gonna look like a big 'ole beached whale in my Jacqueline Smith Kmart bathing suit - one piece, of course.  Ok I don't really have a bathing suit yet.  I'm in total denial about this whole weight thing.  Somewhere in the back of my little mind, there's a voice saying, "You'll lose that gut"  So why go try on bathing suits now and then just get depressed?

Really, why do that to myself.  Plus, it's so much fun to wait until 2 days before vacation to try and find a swimming suit - in a town with a population of 25,000.  oooo weeeee!  The choices. 


So, tell is possible to lose 20 lbs in your mid-section and have killer toned abs, right?  Right?

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

I think I need a warning label.....


You know I've always laughed at the warning tag on my blowdryer.  You know the one that says not to use it while taking a bath.  I've always thought, "What idiot would dry their hair while taking a bath?"  Or the styrofoam coffee cups with the warning, "Caution, hot liquid"  Seriously? I had no idea coffee was served hot!  Some people are soooo stupid....


Yesterday, I fell into the category of stupid people and nearly died in the process - in my defense there was no warning label.  In my quest for the perfect vacation, perfect body, perfect'll recall I almost blinded myself in a tanning bed.  Well, that wasn't enough to scare me and I decided my smile was just too yellow in every photo I am in.  Years of smoking and drinking coffee and drinking wine and well, just years and years of living have caused my pearly whites to turn yellow.  So, not having the cash to actually go to the dentist and plop down the $$ to have it professionally done, I decided to opt for an at home whitening kit.  I chose the one that rhymes with "Frest White Strips".  (I don't want to name the actual company.  I may need to pursue a lawsuit at some point in the future.  I don't need them countersuing me and saying I slandered them.)  In as little as 30 minutes - twice a day - you can have dramatically whiter teeth! And if you know me, I am all about dramatic!  This was perfect. 


The first clue that I probably shouldn't have attempted to do this by myself was when I opened the little packet and applied the strip backwards!  They are these clear looking band-aid things with gel on one side.  You are supposed to apply them to your teeth - gel side facing your teeth, line up with your gums and press.  I pulled my fingers away and the damned strip was stuck to my finger.  In all my brilliance, I had applied the the slick side to my teeth and the gel side to my finger.  Way to go!


Not one to give up, I opened a second package and tried again.  This time they stuck!  I smiled.  I was on my way to one brilliant smile.  This is going to be the vacation of a lifetime!


These "strips"  are not the most comfortable things to have in your mouth.  They stay put for the first 12 seconds and then anytime you swallow or breathe, they feel like they are coming off.  5 minutes into this thing, I decided I should take a little nap for the last 25 minutes.  Try to keep my mind of swallowing and breathing.  Seemed like a good idea at the time and this is the part where there probably should have been some type of warning on the box.  You know, for stupid people like me!


I must have dozed off and started breathing again.  Wouldn't you know it?  One of those little suckers came off of my teeth and was lodged in the back of my throat.  All but closing off my airway. Gasping, and hacking and coughing - and just about to turn blue - I ran for the bathroom.  I was groggy at first and thought someone was trying to strangle me.  Then I remembered the strip, which was missing from my top teeth!  Somehow, I guess from the adrenaline, I was able to perform the heimlich maneuver on myself against the counter.  Except for instead of the strip coming out - it went all the way in.  At this point, I have no idea what damage that plastic stuff is going to do to my insides as it tries to make it's way out of my body.  (hence the possible need for litigation against "Frest") BUT, once again, I survived!


Now don't you think they should have a warning label that "Should not be used when you are sleeping"?  Surely I'm not the only person that decided to nap while they had these things I?


I was thinking about getting a bikini wax for my hoo-ha.  But I really don't think I need to press my luck any further!

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Trying to get back here......

Ok, don't throw things at me. Please. I'm sorry for leaving this little blog sittin' here for so long and not writing anything.  I didn't mean to.  See, the thing is, I won the lottery and I don't have time for you people anymore.  What with having to pick out my new mansion, and I was finally able to afford a good hairdresser - and DAMN do I look good, even if I do say so myself, and then there's all the parties, you know.  Well, I guess - since you're not rich - you don't know.  But trust me, I am one busy woman! Money does strange things to people.  Ward tells me he loves me every day and that I am just the most amazing woman!  Beaver has even started to unload the dishwasher without being told!  And Wally?  That Wally!  He doesn't think I am the world's dummest person anymore.  He actually comes to me for advice! Can you believe it?







Ok, ok.  So I didn't win the lottery.  My life is still one big glob of unorganized crappola - my hair still looks like shit! And who really wants to sit there and read about poor, poor pitiful June and blah-blah-blah......Hmmm?  Not me!  It just seems like every time I turn around there's another problem to face.  Another fire to put out.  Another bill to ignore.......


So, I'm not gonna bitch about how I didn't really realize when I said "in sickness and in health" how all of the sickness would manifest itself in a 60 day time period.  I mean really, as sympathetic as this wife is, when I tell you you are fine, I don't think we need to head to the emergency room so that I can figure out how to pay a $700 bill - and then find out you are actually gonna live after all.  Because for $700, I at least want some type of medical diagnosed EMERGENCY.  You know, since it is called the emergency room and all.  And the next time the nurse asks what your pain level is, I would suggest that you don't say a "1".  Because your wife might come unglued and lose the rest of her everlovin' mind.


See, I'm bitching again.  And who wants to read about that?


Same as who wants to read that I have only closed on one house this whole year.  ONE.  I usually sell about a house a month.  My commission from selling is our cushion money.  It's for the extras.  Like when the price of gas goes up.  Or milk approaches $4 a gallon.  We have no cushion people.  I have two houses under contract right now and they both are about to crash.  There isn't enough wine in the world to dull the thoughts of "What in the hell am I gonna do if I don't start selling some houses soon??" 


But again, I'm whining.


Ok, so not to whine.  I'll tell you something a little funny.  We are supposed to go on vacation - in less than 25 days.  (please don't ask how the hell I am going to pay for vacation when I was just bitchin' about a $700 emergency room bill.  Ok?  please. the cost of this vacation has also added to my heightened stage of anxiousness.......)

So I decide I'm going to start tanning before I go.  That way when I'm laying my fat duff out on the beach, umbrella drink in hand, I won't burn.  I haven't been in a tanning bed since I was 18.  Which was over 30 years a long time ago.  The lady that owns the shop was showing me how to operate it and answering my questions of which type of bed do I use - the stand up or the lay down - and do people really get in there naked?  And so on and so on.  So, then she has me sign all of the required paperwork and asks, "You did bring goggles, right?  Because I require everyone to wear goggles.  These beds can do a lot of damage to your eyes."  And of course, my tightwad self says, "Of course I did."  Completely lying my derriere off! She shows me to the room and I get all ready.  Decided on the stand up bed.  5 minutes.  Get the side walls all pulled in and reach for the button to start it.  That thing was LOUD when it started and I screamed.  And of course, because I'm an idiot - I also hadn't closed my eyes yet and those lights ARE so flippin blinding!  So I'm screaming and closing my eyes as tight as I can, and thinking the whole time, "Holy shit I'm blind!  I lied and now I'm blind!"  I'm telling you that was the longest 5 minutes of  my life.  I kept praying that I wouldn't be blind.  I didn't even want to peek - just in case I wasn't and then the light would hit it again and then I would really be screwed.  My five minutes are finally over.  And I stood there.  Thinking.  Wondering.  Seriously pondering.  What if I did go blind? 


Thank God I didn't.  It's given me a whole new lease on life.  Changed my attitude; those 5 minutes did!  Ok, maybe not.  But I am here to tell you, today when I go, I'm gonna make danged sure I close my eyes BEFORE I hit the button!