Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Fun times

They have been jackhammering.......constantly.......outside of my office for the last two days.


I have THIS and still have not been able to get in to see the orthopedic doctor. 


I went to have a deep tissue massage to try and alleviate the pain from THIS...since the pain meds offer no relief ...until I can get in to see the orthopedic.


The massage did not help.


I can still hear jackhammering.


And now the pain has been magnified to the umpteenth level.


I think I will truly lose it this time.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

S.O.S. PepperAnn S.O.S.!!!!!!!!

Help!  We are in serious need of help!  Seriously! No joke!  June's finally lost all of her marbles. Or grapes.  Or whatever it is that she had at one time.  We don't know what's happening to her.  She used to be so.....so.......um.....so much more put together.  She used to let us do things likes this:


We'd wait for her to get in the shower in the morning....and then move over to her side of the bed.  And RELAX!  Good gravy train that woman can toss and turn at night!  It's hard for us to get a good night's sleep. 
And now? Now?  She put a tree in the living room!  We know!  We told you she's losing it.  Not only that.....she put flashing lights all over the thing and hung toys from it that we aren't supposed to play with! Can you believe it?  She also put shiny ribbons all over boxes and do you know what else?  She absolutely l-o-s-e-s it when we drag one little box through the dog door and play with it in the yard!  Hello?  It's in our territory - the floor!  It's not like we jumped up on the counter and swiped it.  She's also talking under her breath - a lot!  Muttering something about Marley.  Who the heck is Marley? 

But this?  This is the last straw, PepperAnn!  WTH? WTH?  Who does this?  Oh my Dawg, this is so embarrassing!
IMG_1799 IMG_1798 IMG_1792
And of course, she did this to the Queen Bee herself!  Not so funny now, is it, precious?  We saw you smirking at us!

Bahahahawahhaaaaa!  You look ridiculous!

Please PepperAnn, we beg you!  Come and save us!  We can not take much more of this nonsense! 

Puhlease!!!!! Help!  Only you can save us!

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

What's that smell?

Mmmmmmm Thanksgiving.....all the smells, the flavors, the indulgence......one of my favorite holidays!  It is now forever ruined thanks to Glade's Winter collection of sprays.  Well, actually it's not Glade's fault.  It's the last person that made the run for office supplies.  For some odd reason, they thought that apple cinnamon spray was appropriate to use in the bathroom.  People, if you learn nothing from me, at least learn this - there is a place for fruit smells and IT IS NOT in the bathroom.  Trying to disguise the smell of poo with apple cinnamon spray is....well.....wrong in so many ways!

Well then.....Happy Thanksgiving to you all!  And if you serve apple pie this Thanksgiving....well, I am sorry if this lil post ruins it for you. 

Pass the wine please and hold the pie!

PS I have some very exciting news to tell you.  But it will have to wait til later.  Let's just say it's going to involve getting nekked for the TSA and the land of wine.....

Wednesday, October 13, 2010



It's my phone week......need I say more?  Someday, someday....we'll hire an actual receptionist.  Until then - you get yours truly.  It has not been a good week.  So....I would ask that you refrain from calling and saying, "Um, ya, well I JUST missed a call from this number" and then want me to find out which of our employees just called you. 




And while we're on the subject of phones....let me share a little text between myself and Beaver....


Me:  "Son, I bought some more of that pepperoni bread for you for after school" (He empties out the fridge every day after school!)

My expected response from Beaver: "OMG Mom!  I can't believe you remembered how much I loved that bread!!!!  And took time out of your lunch break to buy me some.  You are the greatest....ever."

Beaver's actual response: "K" 


Ok, maybe the exclamation marks were too much to expect.  But "K"....that's all?  I have to answer phones and my 16 - almost 17 year old - son won't get a little excited when his momma buys him pepperoni bread.  Fine then!


Be kind.  Pass me a glass please.....






Thursday, September 30, 2010

Al-Qaeda don't have shit on this....



I am living with a terrorist! How can something this sweet.....









do something like this?




Dazy the Shredder










See this shoe? The baby shoe my mom
saved for me in case I had a daughter.
Which I didn't....but still!













Well, the match to it, now looks like this!






A terrorist, I tell you!
Don't be fooled....she isn't really sleeping.
Just waiting for me to leave the house so
she can wreak her terroristic havoc on me!


(Is she laughing?  Is that her tongue sticking out?)





And while we're on the subject of terrorists......may I present to you the man that is teaching the men and women who will protect us from terrorists - Mr. Homeland Security 2010!  Yes, Ward started his new career.  Life is good!



Sorry, I can't show a view of him from the front.  You know, because he works for the feds and all.....
but trust me, he looked so cute in his little uniform! 
(Don't pay attention to the overgrown bush, Ward has been busy.  He'll be trimming that this weekend.)



Now where is may glass?




PS Yes, Susan, I am the one that takes the last box!!

Friday, September 24, 2010

Happy Friday

See you next week!  Here's hoping it is better than this week was!
What am I saying?  IT WILL BE!  Ward starts his new job on Monday!
I may have to take a sick day....you know, to recuperate....
You bring the wine, k?

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Uh oh!

Looks like I accidentally changed my blog theme.  I was "trying on" themes.  You know? Trying to find one that didn't make my blog look fat.  But I decided I didn't like any of them.  Especially this one.  So, I left the page.  It told me that if I navigated away from the page, my changes wouldn't be saved.  Well liar, liar - pants on fire!  I came back to comment on Kat's comment about 5 years of college - 5!!!!, we'll go into that later - and WTH my blog is pink! W.T.H!  And I can't get my old one back.  Pffft! 

Guess that's what I get for blogging instead of working.  Karma!  Dontchya love it!

That's the last time I tap into the vino before work!  (just kiddin'!  damn you people need to get a sense of humor)

PS  Kat, really?  5 years?  That puts Beaver and Wally in college - at the same time - for two years instead of one!  How come no one told me this when I was whining about taking Wally for his first year of college.  I thought you guys were my friends!  Oh dear Greatoneinthesky!  I think I am gonna lose it! Ward, we're gonna have to adjust the budget.....again.  Sonofa.....

PPS BTW, my fellow bloggers and commenters - I now have comments forwarded to my hotmail account (you know because I get inundated with so many comments throughout the day), which is sent to my handeddowncrackberry.  Which means I get your comments **instantly** - AT WORK.  So, as a hint, if you are going to post a comment that is going to send me a 'lil too close to the edge, could you wait until after 5?  Hmmm?  So, I at least have access to some fermented grapes!

PPPS Does this theme make my blog look fat?

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Major 101

So, Wally's sophomore year of college is underway.  The time to drop/add classes has passed.  As of right now he's in the college of engineering and technology.  Going to get a degree in engineering. As of right now.  I say "as of right now" because as of today, that could change.  He emailed me today......

Just to let you know i've been seriously considering switching my major to something having to do with
health and nutrition that would maybe lead to a career
implementing this with children.

My mind begins to race when I read this.  I try to keep calm.  Try to remember that when we went to orientation they told us - on average - a college student changes their major 6 times.  I DO remember thinking, "Not my Wally".  So I am trying to keep calm, trying not to pick up the phone and call his advisor and tell him Wally's Mother - the one that writes the checks - does not want, under any circumstances, for him to change majors.  But of course, I am his mother and he is 19.  Which means that even though I gave birth to child and write the checks, the advisors don't listen to me.  In fact, due to privacy, they won't even talk to me....

But, given the fact that I am Wally's Mom, and calm is nowhere in my vocabulary, I start to think:
The what?  The who?  You wanna a degree in what?  What the hell are we talking about here?  You want to be a doctor?  What the heck is a degree in health and nutrition?  I appreciate the fact that you used the word "implementing", but what do you really mean?  What the hell are you thinking son?  If you change majors now, how are you going to get all of your classes in?  Good God, you aren't going to be one of those career college students, are you?  I mean, I know I said find something you love - but what I really meant was find something that pays you well enough so I don't have to support you the rest of your life.....even though I love you with all of my heart! 

We've already established the fact that I am not college educated.  I wish I were.  So, having only attended one semester (one semester that I had to pay my dad back for because I failed my classes after I met and fell in love with Ward) I'm not sure how all of this works.  Of course, I don't want to just call my son and ask him what the hell is he thinking....so....help me out here.  Help me out you college educated people.  If he changes majors now, can he still complete his degree in four years - as opposed to 16?  Hmmm?  Help?  And really, how do you talk a 19 year old out of a degree in health and nutrition?  And help me out one more time...I know what an engineering degree can be used for.  But what exactly is he going to use a degree in Health & Nutrition for?  Hmmmm?

And in the meantime, pass me a glass.  I think I'm going to need one.....or two.....

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

We now return to our regularly scheduled program....

Ward is heading back to work.  Can I get a collaborative "Allelujah!" "Thank you Jesus" "Wahoo" "Cheers"!  Things will be getting back to "normal" in the Cleaver household and I can go back to whining about how close to the edge these housemates of mine push me!  Wahoo!


I have to say, 2010 will pretty much go down as the year that sucked - only to be trumped by the year 2006, oh and 2003...the year I lost my Mom.  I guess when you look back over it all....there's always humps and hurdles to go over.  And for the most part, after going through 2003, 2006 and 2010, I can handle those hurdles.  It's running into the brick walls that hurts so damned much.  I'm ready for the brick walls to be torn down.  I'm ready to get past the point where I end up on an episode of "Snapped!" for taking out the mayor and entire city council! Ready for the rollercoaster ride of mayhem that is my life to start back up.  I'M SO READY!


So.....this is Ward's last week of "early retirement".  Next week he will become an instructor for The$$Department$$of$$Homeland$$Security.  (Translation - we pay big bucks for you teach people to protect our borders, people on flights and the security of our nation; thereby allowing you to keep your wife in a constant supply of her favorite boxed vino! insert photo of June smiling here!)


But, before we go back to work....we're headed for a **carefree** weekend with 7 other couples to the annual motorcycle rally.  That's right!  8 couples+2 condos+16 different personalities-June's patience for people who can't seem to show up on time or contribute to planning a meal=lots of blogworthy material! Bring it on! We're leaving Friday.  Say a little prayer that yours truly, with her new sense of "I can handle life - don't sweat the small stuff", will not blow her top and leave The Princess behind when she doesn't arrive ON time to leave at the SCHEDULED time that we all agreed to! K? Now where did I put that box.......

Lovin' life again,

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Oh Happy Day!


Guess what?  Go ahead...guess!  Yup, you guessed it!  How did you know?  Oh, Facebook! Isn't it exciting?  I am soooooooo excited.  And relieved.  And I can breathe now. Things are starting to look up for the Cleaver family. 


Now, would one of you come remove the I.V. of Franzia that I've had connected to me since May?  I don't think I'll be needing it anymore.  At least not until the next wave of hiccups hits the Cleaver household!



Friday, August 6, 2010

No concept of time


I don't know, if you - like me - are married to a man that has no concept of time! (ok that was probably the most horribly structured sentence ever - bite me!) Ward, in his "I'm-retired-I-can-get-things-done" decided "we" would participate in the annual neighborhood, block garage sale.  Even though we A) don't have the time to rummage through our home to find stuff to sell and B) we don't HAVE stuff to sell.  We either throw it out or we donate it.  I don't "keep" shit I don't use.  Ward assured "he" had time.  Ok, fine.  We've had something to do every night this week!  I did manage to find a few things in my kitchen to sell.  Friday was going to be the day that Ward would round everything up and get it ready.  What he was going to round up, I have no idea, that was for him to do.  I left it at that.  When I came home at noon today there were two items on the table the garage, in addition to few I had already put there. Mmm hmmm.  Ok....fine.  Then he decides he's going to sell the big screen he bought at a garage sale, because he doesn't like the picture.  But he doesn't want to drag it from the shop to the garage.  So, he has an ingenious idea to take a picture of it.  He asks if I can print the picture out when I get to work.  I said, "Sure, just email it to me and I'll print it."  No, he wants to take the picture and give me the camera to take back to work, download the picture and print.  No big deal.  Really.  EXCEPT for now he needs the camera. 


Text message at 4:10 pm from Ward, "Would you mind stopping by Carmen's house on the way home and taking a few pics of their entertainment center? It would save me a lot of work"  (they have agreed to put some of their stuff in our garage sale.  helping us to safe face as the only people on the block with 4 items on their table to sell!) 


My text to him: "How are we going to print them out"  (we have a printer.  don't have any ink.  haven't had ink for it in over two years. hey, i forget when I am at hellmart to pick some up.  sue me)


Ward: "We're not. I'm going to display them on the lap top during the garage sale."  (isn't he high tech!)


My test: "Oh ok"  What I'm thinking though?  I could KILL you right now!  If you hadn't been so busy finding those two other items to put in the garage sale - after I told we had nothing to sell - you could have taken the picture of the big screen yourself and emailed it me.  Then you would still have the camera in your possession and could take the photos of the entertainment center yourself.


BUT NO!  Instead, I have to stop by there and take the photos on.my.way.home.to.GET.READY.FOR.THE.WEDDING.WE.HAVE.TO.BE.AT.BY.6:30!   OHHHHH, AND I STILL HAVE TO CHANGE INTO WEDDING ATTIRE MR. NOCONCEPTOFTIME!

Next time you might want to listen to your wife when she says you don't have the time, or the energy, or the shit to sell to participate in the garage sale.  And also?  For future reference, it might be a good idea to restock the wine when you drink the last glass.  Your wife would have been so much more pleasant to deal with on the 30 minute drive to the wedding that you are late for, had you left her a glass of wine to drink while she was huffing and puffing to get ready!


So Not June Cleaver!

Monday, August 2, 2010

Just let it out....

Oh hey, Monday?


F%*k You!


Ok, well that about sums it up!  How's it going for you?


Pass a glass,



PS  I am trying.  Really, I am.  I get the whole "I can't control all that is happening around me.  I can only control my attitude"  Well?  Today?  My attitude sucks!  And the forecast for tomorrow isn't looking much better either......

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Good Blog Forgotten

As I went to bed last night, I came up with a really good topic for a blog entry.  Problem is...for the life of me...I can't remember what it was about.  I've tried all day.  I've recreated all of the steps that led up to me going to bed. You know? Kind of like you do when you are trying to find your lost car keys. But no luck!  I remember it being funny.  And I was so excited, because I finally had something humorous to blog about.  After all the "woe is me"-"our life sucks"-whiney entries, I was excited to have something funny to share.  And now I can't remember it!

Think, think, think June!  Still nuthin'!  Isn't that just the way it goes?  I've even tried NOT thinking about it.  So it would just come to me.  Still no luck. 

So....I'm sorry.  I had something very funny and witty to share with you.  But since my mind has turned to mush - I can't remember what the hell it was!

Might as well have a drink.  Pass the box please.

PS I did discover the show "Real Housewives of NJ" last night.  With Ward being off, he is finding things to do.  So....he had satellite installed. "But, June - it's CHEAPER than cable.  And look at that picture!"  Blah, blah, blah......Whatever.  So I plant myself down last night and start skimming thru the 5,044 channels and found BRAVO.  And was glued to the TV all night.  Only leaving it briefly to refill my glass.  It was like I knew I shouldn't be watching this trash, but I just couldn't look away!  We may be the "Real Housewives of Blogworld" but I am here to tell you we have nothing on these bitches.  They are certifiable whackjobs!  This is reality tv at it's lowest.  And I loooooooove it! There's name calling, hairweave pulling, stupidity - "My husband's always been an entrepreneur.  That means he owns his own business.....right?" are you asking me or telling me lady? - cop calling, lawsuit filing, energist bullshitting and all kinds of "ohnoshedinnnt" going on!  If you haven't seen it, and you need something to show you that your life ain't so bad after all - as if this blog doesn't do it for you - watch it!  Trust June.  And don't be stupid like Ward and ask how can I watch this crap!  Because I pay the bills buddy and if I "forget" to pay the satellite bill you can say bye-bye pretty picture.  And trust me, if they cancel my satellite it will hurt me way more than it hurts him!

Anyway, IF I remember what I was going to blog about, I'll be sure to let you know!

Monday, July 19, 2010

Numbers game

Ward has gone to interview AGAIN - for the big federal agency.  This is his 2nd time out there.  He didn't get hired on the 1st time.  They haven't filled that position yet.  But this time he is testing with 11 other people.  Of those 11, 5 already work there as temps and trying to get on full time.  There are 3 positions open.  You do the math.  I can't.  I just can't even think that he will go through this interviewing process twice, being completely qualified, and not get the job.   It'll kill whatever's left of his self esteem.  He's been notified that he's being "considered" for a 3rd position as well.  Which means another interview process.  But what else can you do?  You can't give up.  You have to keep going.  I never was a cheerleader, but I'm doing my best to keep him positive.  The whole government hiring process just sucks.  The guy that runs the center wants Ward, but he can't just hire him.  That's not how the government works. Ward has to apply, compete and then hopefully come out on top.  Then the head dog can hire him.  There's a whole point system that figures in too.  He gets so many points for being prior military.  But the points he is lacking are the one's the temps have.  So....he just has to hope he comes out on top during the other stages of the interview process.  I think they should give him bonus points for being married to June Cleaver all of these years.  I have a mind to call and tell them that, but we've already decided it's not a good idea to go "Kitty" on them. At least not while they are still in the "considering" phase of things!  Again, I find myself at a point in life that I just want to be past this part.  I want it to be a year from now.  Whatever is going to happen - is going to happen.  I want it to just happen so life can go on.  You know? 


And it's not like he'll even find out today, or tomorrow, or even next week if he has the position.  It takes for-ev-er and a day for them to fill the positions. So....more waiting, wondering, hoping and praying!


Bottoms up!



Friday, July 16, 2010

Random nonsense on a Friday

It's Friday....and I don't feel like working.  Got back from Vegas on Monday.  Went to work on Tuesday.  And after working on Tuesday, Wednesday and "kind of" on Thursday - I don't want to work today.  I blame it on Vegas.  I never should have gone.  It's not the place to be when you come from a family of drinkers.  Seriously, if there were an Olympic sport for drinking, my ancestors would have brought home gold, silver and bronze!  They drink all day - every day - in Vegas.  I felt the after effects on Tuesday when I was craving a red beer at 10 in the morning.  It's ok when you are in sin city...not so good when you are sitting at your desk dealing with a bitch of a customer!


Anyway...I have a confession to make.  We didn't really just say "screw it" and take off to Vegas without giving any thought to the impending $1,000/mo paycut we were facing.  I mean we took the trip.  But the 91 year old owner of the company I work for was the benefactor.  He called me in his office one day and said he had two free airline tickets that he would like to give to Ward and I.  (Disclaimer: It was on a regional carrier - so it wouldn't take me to Italy.  Just in case Motherhen is reading this.)   We took him up on his offer.  Then he called me in his office again and gave me a check to cover most of our expenses.  It made me cry.  He said he appreciated all that Ward had done for the city and was sorry for what they had done to him.  I've worked for this man for 14 years now and he never ceases to amaze me.  He still comes in to work everyday. He is kind, softened in his older years.  I didn't work here when he was younger, but I've heard he was tough!  So.....June didn't lose all of her pearls.  The trip was almost completely paid for! Although I do still have the screw it attitude!


We had a good time.  And now we're back to reality.  Back to Ward trying to find something to do daily - to keep busy.  To take his mind off of the fact that he's not working.  The tension is back.  The worrying is still nagging in the back of my mind.  It won't always be like this.  I know.  He has an interview on Monday and I am just hoping and praying that he gets this job.  It would be something that he would enjoy.....and way less stressful than the "other" job he had.  And if he doesn't, well, we'll just deal with it. 


I think my trans am is about to call it quits.  It's only 11 years old.  I'm not sure what that translates into in dog years.....but she's showing her age.  It takes a couple cranks on the key to get her to start up.  The oil pressure gauge jumps back and forth.  I'm just waiting for it blow!  The driver's seat has started to tear....exposing whatever that stuff is that they put it seats.  Whatever it is, it gets stuck to my shirt and looks like I've been eating Cap'n Crunch and saving some for later.  The passenger side is still dented where I whipped a little too quickly into a parking space and hit the hitch of one of those monstrous pick-up trucks.  Road hog!  And now the cover on the right headlight doesn't close properly.  Looks kind of like she's winking.  I think it's cute.  I'm sure Ward won't think it's too cute when I tell him some guy backed into me the other night in the pouring rain.  After we both got out and inspected - and found no damage - we both went on our ways.  It just looked like there was a little dirt on my bumper.  And being that's it's a tupperware bumper, it just wiped off.  No harm done.  Or, so I thought.  I got home that night.  Pulled into the garage and went into the house.  Came back out to the garage to do some laundry and noticed her winking at me!  Shit!  My lights had been on and I didn't realize he had come up that far over my bumper.  I didn't have his info either.  Oooooohhhhh!  Yeah!  I was involved in an accident.  I didn't notify the police.  AND I didn't exchange info with guy! Before you people start judging - it was in the p-o-u-r-i-n-g rain.  I was already late getting home after shopping for the trip and was trying to sneak a couple of pairs of shoes into the house before Ward noticed.  I had guilty written all over me.  He was not going to believe that I wasn't the one that caused the damage this time.  I was just the idiot that didn't want to get wet and figured everything was ok!!! So, I pushed down on the cover as hard as I could and went back in the house.  I'll deal with that later! People say that the condition of their closets, or their purses, directly relates the way their lives are going.  For me?  It's my car.  Rough around the edges.....showing the wear and tear!


I had actually gone shopping to find a bra.  A strapless bra.  I hate bra shopping.  I needed one that would at least put the twins back in the region that they were located in years ago - as opposed to sitting on top of my stomach.  It's a much more slimming look to have them perched a little higher!  Trust me.  After trying on 52.5 bras.....I settled on one that works pretty well.  I don't know when I went from a C cup to a D....but whatever.  I do not like to have any boob spillage going on, so that was the reason for the D. To make myself feel better after having to go up a cup size, I tried on a couple of pairs of shoes and bought a cute pair of brown sandals.  That didn't quite ease the pain.  So....I tried on another pair - and it was on clearance.  So, I bought those too!  I felt MUCH better.  I try to do my share to stimulate the economy whenever I can. 


I had to pay for Wally's apartment yesterday.  The same apartment that he will not be occupying for another month.  If it wasn't paid for, he would lose it.  So....instead I lost it.  Say bye-bye to $200!  But children, especially educated ones are just priceless.  Aren't they?  Please tell me they are! 


That about sums it up.  Wrecked my car, lied about being carefree, went to Vegas, came home, don't want to work, don't want to deal with Ward being retiredly unemployed, don't want to deal with the fact that I need to get some type of exercise back in my life and lastly don't want to deal with Wally leaving back to college - AND HAVING TO CREATIVELY BUDGET FOR IT! Who says we need to pay the electric bill and water in the same month?  Wally needs books dammit!  See?  I could have just said those 4 sentences instead of typing 6 paragraphs of mindless ramblings!  You missed me.  Didn't you?


Even if you didn't, pass a glass.....






Tuesday, July 6, 2010

What happens in Vegas......

Ok....so we didn't shrivel up and die.  The earth did not open up and swallow us both.  Although, many times over the last couple of weeks, I wished it had. This whole "retirement" thing has been an adjustment - for both Ward and I.  I know it's harder on him.  But this is my blog, so I get to detail how hard it is on ME!  Really, it hasn't been so hard on me.  It could be that I've switched from my drink of choice to salty dogs....something about vodka that just gives you this nice little idon'tgiveashitwhatyoupeoplearethinking feeling that I kinda like! Or it could be the fact that I have something to look forward to.  We are going to Vega$ people!  That's right.  My husband was just forced into early retirement and we are facing a $1000/month paycut and Wally is headed back to college in a few months, but what the hey? We're doing what any old, married couple would do - we're losing our freakin' minds!  And we don't care!  And this post already has way to many exclamation points in, but I don't care!  I am just so exclamated at this point! We've spent our lives doing what we were "supposed" to do and shit still happens.  So, might as well do what is fun!


So...I've never been.  Ward went once for training.  Took us for-ev-errrrrr to pick out a room.  I want this to be just right.  It's sorta a combination "happy forced retirement honey" & "twenty year wedding anniversary" trip all rolled into one.  I made a comment on Facebook about it taking longer to pick out a hotel than it did to name the boys.  Beaver took exception to this and has decided to pay us back by having a party while we are gone! The child had the gall to post it on Facebook.  All I have to say is if that child gives me any reason to blog about anything that happens while we are out of town, I will have to post it after his funeral.  In the famous words of Bill Cosby, "I brought you into this world and I can take you out"  And it helps that my best friend lives across the street!  You know? To keep an eye on them!  Not that they would do anything.  Not those teenage angels of mine!


We leave Thursday.  Can't wait.  Don't want to fly.  But I don't want to drive either.  So,flying it is.  I hear they serve vodka on the plane!  I'll tell you all about my adventures when I get back.  For those of you on Facebook, you'll know quicker than the rest about what happened in Vega$......wait, I forgot....what happens in Vega$, stays in Vega$!  Sorry, you'll just have to make up your own stories about what happened!


Bottoms up!



PS  I haven't really switched my drink of choice.  I did discover that I like vodka.  But once again, I have to keep the whole Irish heritage in check and can't drink that stuff too often lest I turn into a raging drunk.  Slushy lushy is ok.  But falling down drunk is not attractive on any 40 year old lady.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Trudging on.....

.....and so the other shoe dropped.  Memorial Day.  I'm making bacon-wrapped shrimp jalapenos for the Memorial Day BBQ we are supposed to be at in a couple of hours....and Ward gets THE call.  His last interview, as you remember, was on the Friday before Memorial Day.  It was a weekend meant for remembering, celebrating and family gatherings and we were doing our best to not to remember what was going on.  Even if it was just for a few days.......but that all ended with the call from the city adminstrator.  I looked at him when he got off the phone.  He said they wanted to see him and he grabbed his keys.  No sooner was he out the door and I poured the wine.  I knew this wasn't good.  Everything we'd hoped, wished and prayed for was about to come undone.  I just knew it.  I felt it.  It was there...in the pit of my stomach.  And then....a little light.  Maybe it was the glass of wine.  Maybe, just maybe, really, they were going to tell him the job he had worked at getting for over 20 years was about to be his.

An hour...was it an hour?  Hell, I don't know.  Sometime later, he came in and hung his keys up.  His back to me.  Shoulders kind of down and I knew it!  As he turned around, my eyes filled with tears, he said, "They went with the other guy." For the first time, in over 20 years, I had no idea what to say.  I was completely at a loss.  What could I say to this man I've loved for over 21 years?  I had no words to fix it.  Nothing that could ease what he was feeling.  I was helpless.  "No....why?"  It was all I could manage to mutter. How could they do this to him?  How? Why?  Not only did they not elect to make him the chief, but he also could not have his position back as assistant chief.  He would have to leave the police department at the end of June.  Wha?  Huh?  What did he do?  Why are they making him leave? The city administrator couldn't say.  He was just the messenger.  The message came from the Mayor.  Was the Mayor there to tell Ward that he was sorry, but after 20 years of service to the department and the city, they decided to go with another candidate?  No....he was probably off enjoying his Memorial Day barbeque!  They, the city council and mayor, made the decision to go with the other guy on Friday and he accepted the job.  Did they bother to give Ward a courtesy call?  Hell no.  The city administrator was leaving for vacation, to Hawaii, and had to let Ward know before he left.  Nice!  Thankyouveryfuckingmuch to the city for their tact and flippin gall!
And so....what now?  I sat on the patio, drinking my wine.  Trying to think.  Now what?  How could they do that to him?  How?  Just how? Why?  No one can even say why.  How is that fair?  "You know, Ward, we appreciate what you've done, but this other guy....."  They can't even point out to him why he wasn't chosen.  You know?  If he sucked as chief, that would be one thing.  If he wasn't able to handle the job, I could see a reason for all of this.  I know I'm biased.  I'm his wife.  But the guys?  And the women?  The one's who work for him.....they're just as dumbfounded.  There's the few that are gloating.  The one's who didn't like decisions that he made that didn't go in their favor, and that's understandable.  When you're in charge, let's face it, you're probably going to make some decisions that piss some people off.  And some people, although they are supposed to be adults, will turn into absolute assholes when you piss them off and will be hellbent on making your life just as miserable as theirs is. 

As the days go by, it's settled in. It's not getting any easier, but the reality of it all is settling in. I still think, "Is this really happening?"  I wake up and for a few minutes, I'm ok.  I've kind of forgotten...and then it all comes back.  The hurt for him, the anger at all of this, the disappointment and disbelief!  Having to get up every day, go to work and go on.  He still has to go in to work every day and face everyone.  I don't know how he does it.  He hasn't done anything wrong, but they've made it seem as though he has.  He is a good man.  But they've crushed him.  They bruised his 20 years of accomplishments.  He couldn't end it the way he wanted to and that sucks.  He's worried about what will happen to the department.  Wants to make sure everything is taken care of the right way when he leaves.  Making sure that the guys know what he does, so they can let the new guy know.  And then the anger and disappointment hits him, too.  He's irritated.  Irritable.  All the while trying to hold his head up.  It's enough to drive anyone crazy.  He's talked of suing the city and all I can do is just look at him.  Let him rant.  Let him rave.  This is his battle.  But all the while, I am secretly hoping he doesn't.  Let's just go.  Let's not get caught up in all of this.  A lawsuit?  First of all, it's expensive.  Second of all, how could you win? It's an at-will employment.  He is not in the union and really has no recourse.  The sad fact is, you can work your ass off for 20 years, not do anything wrong, and they can still let you go....

I've crunched numbers until I can't see straight.  Telling him we will be fine until he finds another job.  What?  I'm supposed to tell him, sorry you lost everything you've worked for, but between the cut in what you will be taking home from your retirement pay and the cost of health insurance - we may just lose the farm on all of this! I'll make it work.  Somehow!  I've turned into the slushiest of lushes...and that isn't good.  I'm Irish.  Therefor, I come from a long line of alcoholics.  Functioning alcoholics, but alcoholics nonetheless.  So, I have to keep that in check. I get to work and stare at my computer and really don't know how all of this is happening, or what to do.  5 o'clock can't come soon enough.  I can't get home fast enough.  Get inside.  Feel the comfort of home.  The safety.  And it's still there.  This whole mess.  And so, I have a drink.  And start to think that everything is going to be ok.  It'll all work out.  I'm still not buying the cliches'.  The "one door closes".....the "it's for the better"...."God's plan" - I want to be past this point so badly.  I want to be happy, sitting next to the man I love more than peanut butter, and looking back at all of this as a memory.  Not in the present.  I don't want to deal with the present!

So....that sums up the last 11 days of our life!  Just trying to put one foot in front of the other.....and keep the fridge stocked.

Pass me a glass, if you don't mind.

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Loss of all control

This isn't how I pictured my life....worrying, scared, wondering....always waiting for the next shoe to drop, the next edge to fall over.  Seriously, if I make it through this year, this month, hell - this week - it will be a flippin' miracle.  I thought at the ripe old age of 40 that I had finally figured life out.  Didn't seem to be anything too difficult.  Grow up, raise a family, pay my bills and my taxes, teach my boys right from wrong, take them to church, love my husband, treat people kindly, and believe in God...everything else will fall into place.  Right?  No, unfortunately it doesn't matter if you do all of those things, even if you do them quite well (most of the time) (I might add!), that edge and that shoe are still there, just waiting to drop. 


It's the unknown.  The waiting.  Feeling like you have no control over anythingAnymore. If I do all of those things, why can't things just fall into place?  Why? It's the begging God and then questioning, really, does He exist?  Even typing that, questioning HIM, my Catholic upbringing guilts me into believing I'm headed for Hell for even having the audacity to question.  But, still I do.  How  is it that we try to do the best we can, and still the best is not good enough for the planets to align, karma to cooperate and for things to finally work themselves out?  Why do bad things happen to good people?  And good things happen to bad people?  Why?


There is no telling how things will work out tomorrow.  Ward has his final interview.  Tomorrow his fate, his career and our lives will be determined by eight city council members and one mayor.  No matter what happens, opinions, whether wanted or not, will be given.  Tongues will flap until they almost cause heads to spin off their shoulders.  It's the most newsworthy, gossip fulfilling "happening" going on in our little corner of the world.  At least that's what it is to other people.  To us?  It's our lives.  It's a human being we're talking about.  Not that that matters to the tongue waggers.


The thing that worries me...the thing I have no control over....the thing that is sending me near the edge is how it will affect him.  I can tell him a million times that we will be ok.  That it's going to be ok.  Whatever it is.  But truthfully? I just don't know.  People have said viscous, untrue things so far.  I can only imagine what will spew out of their mouths if he isn't chosen.  The stares.  The whispering.  The online, anonymous ranting.  And there is no control over any of it. 


I just don't have a good feeling that they will select him.  It's political.  The mayor wants change.  It doesn't matter that he's the most qualified and most respected, among his peers.  Or that he's spent 20 - TWENTY - years working up to this position.  Can you imagine?  Working toward a goal for 20 years and having it pulled out from under you? 


June's about lose whatever is left of her evah lovin' mind.  And there isn't much of that left.  We all know that.  I just wish I had a little more control. 


The one thing I do have control over?  That full box 'o fermented grapes sittin' in my fridge.  So grab a glass, I'll be there in a few....




PS There's been a magnitude of shit that has happened in the Cleaver household this year (besides what is happening to Ward)- and the year isn't even half over. I can typically handle a shitload of shit, but when it's all crammed at the beginning of the year, it's a little much for anyone to handle! After all this is over, we'll sit down, have a glass of wine and discuss it all.  It will surely make you sit back and realize that your life doesn't suck after all!


PPS And yes, the rumors are true - when Wally was checked into the hospital, a 3-hour drive took June 4 1/2 hours because she can not maneuver a freakin' loop.  It's a loop people!! And yet? Somehow! I still managed to get lost! And no, Kat, I was not even driving in a big city!

Friday, April 23, 2010


Just a little FYI for you on a Friday.....because I care about you people and think you should know.....


When you are worried to death dealing with the prospect of your husband being unemployed, and after you've paid Uncle Sam a butt load of your hard earned money in taxes, when you say, "It can't get any worse than this?"  Be VERY CAREFUL - don't even THINK this out loud.....because, as it turns out, in fact it can GET worse! 


I am the proud owner of a house with polybutylene plumbing!  And I will own this house for.the.rest.of.my.life!  It is damn near impossible to sell a house with PB plumbing in it because the sonofabitch leaks!  Ours has now leaked twice in the last 6 months.  Turns out that PB plumbing starts to fail 10 -15 years after it is installed.  Our house is 11 years old.  Lucky us. 


Guess we could go after the real estate agent that sold it to us!  But that would be yours truly.  OR, we could go after the insurance company - that won't cover the cost of replacing the plumbing.  But, then again, that would be yours truly, too. Yeah, I'm real popular in my house right now.


So, yes, it can, and in fact - if you are June Cleaver - IT WILL get worse!


Now someone pass me some gotdamned wine!


Friday, April 16, 2010

Warning! Roller coaster blog post ahead

Filed your taxes yet?  I did and I'm pissed.  As usual.  I have to admit, it's much more fun to file your taxes when Uncle Sam is sending you some money back.  When he doesn't?  It sucks!  What sucks even more is filing your taxes and then getting an email from the E-filer that your return was rejected! WTH?  Rejected?  You don't want my return?  Fine with me!  Oh, what's this?  Our return doesn't match what the government has on file for the "Making Work Pay" credit. 

Economic Recovery Payments Received does not match the IRS records. If you do not recall if you received the payment, please contact your respective agency below to verify before resubmitting the return claiming the Making Work Pay and Government Retiree Credits.

Seems I, in fact, did not recall that windfall $250 deposit we received from Uncle Sam.  Apparently he wants it back.  Selfish, overspending bastard that he is.  So, I corrected my return to show that yes, my husband did receive $250.  And guess what happened?  Up on the top right, where it says in big red letters - AMOUNT OWED - went up by $250!  Sonofa....  Call me stupid, but how exactly am I supposed to recover from the economy if you are going to send me money to spend (expect me to remember you sent me the money - cuz let's face it, $250 can buy a lot of Franzia!) and then take it back when I already owe you a butt load of money?  Ohhhhhh I get it now.  You give me money, I spend it on wine; thereby stimulating the economy.  You get shifty, take it back.  I spend more money on wine, trying to drown my financial sorrows.  Brilliant plan Uncle Sam! For future reference, do not send me anymore money, if you are just going to take it back!  Clear? 

Whew!  Next.....Ward and I were given tickets to the annual "Taste of Our Town".  Quite the social event for  our little town.  Local vendors set up booths and offer tastings and there's a silent auction.  Oh, oh, oh!  And the best part?  There's wine!  FREE wine. Need I say more?  The theme this year was "Kentucky Derby" and everyone is encouraged to wear Kentucky Derby attire.  I googled it.  Because I had no idea what that attire was.  I pictured having to order a whip and some riding stirrups.  But no, it's just floppy hats and such.  So.....I had a great picture in my head to go all Julia Roberts-Pretty Woman-Polo Match Scene-dress and hat.  I actually got a little excited and thought, "This is gonna be fun!"  I had a little problem finding any hats, or a dress like Julia's.  I also had a little problem that I waited until the day of the event to look for this getup!  Well, in my defense, it wasn't so much that I waited, I didn't have the time until that day.  So, I ended up with a floral print dress and some really cute shoes.   I did finally find a hat at a thrift store.  It didn't match the dress but I figured out an idea.  So, I stopped at the craft store and bought some ribbon, flowers and tulle - because no derby hat is complete without all of this crap!  I realized that I was going to have to go all Marfa Stewart and pull out the dreaded glue gun, but my fingerprints had finally come back, after the last incident, and I figured I was safe.  You just wait til they see this hat!  But....I needed to change the color of the hat to match my dress.  It needed to be black.  That way the pink ribbon and flowers would really stand out! Well, an idea came to me - and as with all of my ideas, I really didn't think it through too well.  Suffice to say, if you are going to spray paint a hat, doing so three hours before the start of the event is not enough time for the fumes to disappear!  Talk about stink!  I don't know if I was high off the fumes, or just drunk off the wine, but my head was killing me!  And no, sadly, I did not look like Julia.  Maybe Rosanna Rosanna Danna, but would you expect any less?

To top this thrilling week off - today Ward had to apply for his position, along with every other applicant.  Now we just begin the wait.....  I've been stuck with whether I should set the record straight or keep my mouth shut.  One of the employees at city hall "supposedly" had a conversation with the mayor as to why he shouldn't keep my husband as chief.    She "allegedly" said Ward had no morals and cheated on me.  AND that I threw him out of the house! There were always rumors as to why Ward and I separated.  On top of my marriage being broken, and trying to deal with that, people were anonymously putting comments on the website of the local newspaper.  I could never respond back and tell them they were wrong, because I didn't know who the people were that were commenting.  It has been eating me up! I want to go up to city hall and go all **Kitty on her, but I don't want to cause a scene that will jeopardize Ward getting the job.  I also wanted to talk to the mayor.  Tell him Ward did not cheat on me.  And I did not throw him out of the house.  Truth is we were fighting all of the time and I wasn't much fun to be married to.  I didn't throw him out. He left because he couldn't take the fighting/arguing and me ignoring him anymore.  But the mayor won't even return my husband's phone calls.  I doubt he would talk to me.  I feel like before they make their decision - whoever is making the decision, there's been so much speculation as to who will pick the chief - he needs to know the truth.  I would hate for them not to keep my husband on as chief because of untrue rumors that were spread by an employee.  I think they have a name for that.  I think it's call slander.  And if you slander my husband and jeopardize his career, don't think I won't sue your ass! 


Ok, you may all unfasten your seatbelt now.  The ride is over.  Please exit to the left and don't forget to pass the wine!




**Kitty Definition

Kitty [kit-tee]


1. Mother to June Cleaver and Motherhen


1. To have no filter 
2. To embarrass one's family,while telling off whomever - for any reason that makes sense to you.  Especially after you've had a couple!

(In her defense, she was, in her own way, just trying to protect the ones she loved - and she let 'em have it if they hurt someone she loved.)

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Boys suck....

**Famous words from my friend Jane!  And how true those words are.  Sometimes....and some boys do and some boys don't.  And by "some" I mean very few.  Because let's face it, most a lot several boys do!  And I don't mean any of your boys do.  Of course not. And Wally doesn't.  He's home for Spring Break. I got a text message from him today:

That burrito was pretty freakin awesome! Thanks.  (complete with a little smiley face at the end.  I would put one here, but I can't figure out how to do it.  Don't bother sending me instructions on how to do it, because I won't remember how the next time I need one. So why waste your time? But thanks anyways.  (um, and anyways is too a word.  I have no idea why it's not in spellcheck.  Oh well looky there, apparently neither is spellcheck since it's got a red squiggly line under it too!) )

So....anyway.....that little text made my day.  That burrito?  Just leftover taco meat with a little shredded cheese and salsa.  Made one for Mr. Cleaver too.  Unfortunately I didn't get a text from him saying how freakin awesome it was!  And that makes him suck.  As of right now.  I don't want this to turn into a whole "bash Ward" blog.  I don't mean to only post something on here when things ain't going so hot.  Because you might get the impression that my marriage sucks.  Which it doesn't.  At least all of the time it doesn't.  But right now?  Well, right now we just aren't clicking.  We're off kilter somehow.  I don't know what it is.  But it isn't right. 

Ok, to be fair to Ward, he has a lot on his plate.  He's been the "interim" Chief of Police since last year.  He was led to believe that all he had to do was show him he could do the job, which he has, and he would be appointed as THE Chief of Police.  Since then, things have changed.  And by things, I mean the mayor.  The mayor has changed.  The elections have come and gone and now we have a new mayor.  Not the mayor that appointed Ward as interim chief.  The NEW mayor decided to put the position up for application.  So....anyone can apply and if Ward wants the job, he can apply too.  And boy if that didn't start the rumors in this little town of ours a flyin'!  He's crushed.  Embarrassed.  Feels let down.  He's worked his way up the ladder for 20 years.  This is really all he knows.  It isn't that he hasn't done his job.  Hell, the mayor even said he's done a heck of a job.  It's politics.  He's just a victim of politics.  And so.....he's been a little cranky.  And some of that crankyness has been leveled at me.  Which makes me cranky.  And even though I love my husband more than full box of Franzia, he sucks sometimes.  But that doesn't mean I don't love him.  I just don't like him sometimes.

Boys suck.  The mayor is a boy.  He definitely sucks.  The director of personnel sucks big time!  He actually called Ward to see where he should advertise the job for chief so that it reaches the greatest audience of police personnel.  Seriously?  I think he sucks the most.  The guys that are saying things about my husband, the things that aren't true, they suck too! 

And...I guess I suck too.  Here Ward is, worried about his job and future, and I get all bent out of shape because he doesn't thank me for a burrito.  I guess that makes me the queen sucker!  Your Royal Highness, the Queen of Suckiness!

**Actually Jane!'s famous words were "Boys are stupid"  She is so much more classier than I am.  Nevertheless, boys are stupid.  But then again, so am I....obviously!  So.....

Sunday, February 28, 2010

Some day

Some day.......

Some day you will realize that just because you and she disagree about one of your children.......it does not mean that she is ALWAYS being in defense of them.....

Some day you will see how much it chips away at her sense of self.....every time you walk passed her and grab her roll of fat......

Some day you might realize you need to tell her she is beautiful......even though she just discovered 3 more lines on under her eyes.....

Some days......it's not ALL ABOUT YOU.....Sometimes, it's all about her.....and when you don't realize that, it seriously pisses her off!

Some day you might actually thank her for all that she does, not because she wants the recognition, but.....sometimes it's just nice to be noticed.

Some day, you will learn that she came up with a way to pay for $1500 bill to Uncle Sam.  What you will probably notice first, was that she said it was $1,000 that was owed, because somehow $1500 would have sent you over the edge.  While you are still on the topside of the edge, realize that $1500 SENT HER over the edge and she survived.

Some day you might see that what you said tonight about why you separated 3 years ago, completely pulled the rug out from under her.  She will never feel "safe" in her marriage.  She marks the days, the months, the years - and one sentence "Just like you did when we separated......" completely smacks her in her wrinkled up face!

Some day.....most importantly, you will see that what you said about your son's coach tonight will have a lasting effect on him.  You will see that even though she agrees WITH you, but not about the way you deliver it.....you two will disagree.  She, becoming the bitch of three years ago........you asleep on the couch....and she wondering, "Seriously?"

And even when..... if you don't "realize" any of this, know that tomorrow she still has to get up, pull on a pair of pants, suck it in, all the while that you walk by with your gut hanging out - and not giving it a second thought - she'll be planning tonight's dinner, figuring out when she will stop at the store - after work, or on her lunch hour - make you lunch, bring you your coffee, make sure the Beav has his lunch money, worry about how you guys are going to pay for college after this semester, wonder if she can do what they expect of her at work and slide into work, late.as.usual...........hair all screwed up, makeup not working and wishing......just once...you would look at her and say, "It's going to be ok"

Some one pass me some damned wine before I spill all of the marbles........