So Not June Cleaver

For Wally and Beaver

2011-10-06T08:42:00.000-06:00

Read this and then on the right side of the page is his speech on YouTube that you can listen to….

http://news.stanford.edu/news/2005/june15/jobs-061505.html

Pretty cool speech. My hope for you boys is that you find something you love to do, find someone you love to share it with and remember that as you go through life…there will be disappointments and struggles, but everything happens for a reason.

Love you both!

Mom

2011-08-11T10:24:00.000-06:00

Look who went and grew up, without my permission........

Beaver Age 5

.......and somehow turned into this young man

Beaver Age 17

Makes a momma proud and sad....all at the same time! Beaver started his senior year of high school today. I don't think I can come to terms with this. I'm trying. But it isn't going to be easy!

Hellllloooooooooooooooooooooooo!

2011-08-09T15:19:00.002-06:00

Well look who went and left their blog unattended for 6 months! Wow! Has it been that long, really? That's half a year. HALF A YEAR! Who goes off to Italy and doesn't keep up with their blog? Apparently I do. And I've been BUSY. VERY BUSY! Yes, I know. Whatever. I have no excuse really. I blame it on ~~Crackbook~~ Fbook. They make it so easy to put your thoughts out there and for me to see what all of you are doing.......all in one place! But.....

Sometimes I still like the anonymity from the blog. And on the Fbook, they know it's you. Of course many of you also "know" me on Fbook, because you are my "friend" on there too! There's no hiding! And really, I don't want to hide. Every now and then I'd like to be able to do or say something without one of my friends...or coworkers...or family knowing. You know....just cut loose without worrying what someone is going to think.

So, I'm back. For awhile anyway. It's been an awesome 6 months. In a nutshell....here's a sorta "Top Ten Things That June's Done" ***drumroll please***

Met her 21 year old nephew for the very first time! (That's a whole post all on it's own and she will fill you in later!)
Flew half way around the world* to visit her sister in Italy and saw the Vatican. Saw the beginning of mass at the Vatican, sung in Latin, and it brought tears to her eyes.
Learned to make pasta, from the sister that she flew half way around the world* to see.
Got her tubes tied. She knows - not that exciting for you. But for her? It's awesome. 41 years old and no longer on the pill. Big whoot-whoot!
Lost 12 lbs. Due to #4. Finally getting off that damn pill has helped. She thinks. She's hoping. (That's also whole 'nother post)
Finally came to the realization that life isn't perfect and you will never MAKE it perfect. No matter how hard you try. And it only took 41 years to learn this and to let go of whole boatload of frustration. Still working on dealing with the "imperfections", but smiling a lot more about them. And she didn't pay for therapy to figure this out. At least not in the sense of "come sit on my couch and tell me your story". Turns out wine therapy is very good for self revelation. Who knew? Yea, sure she's a wine lush. But now, since #2 happened, she's a classier lush...and only drinks from a bottle. WITH A CORK, no less. La-ti-da!
Saw her nephews (not the same one mentioned in #1) for the first time since her mother died. That's been 8 years. A very long 8 years. Never, ever, ever thought she would see them again.
Found out that the Chief that the city council and mayor hired over Ward, didn't last a year. That brought a smile to her face as she realized they were in a much better place. Ward's bringing home a nice paycheck from a job that he absolutely loves and collecting a nice retirement check - and no longer has any of the political bullshit to deal with. It brought a REALLY big smile to her face.
She's getting a pool installed. She'll let that one sink in for awhile, and come back to that. It still hasn't sunken in with her. (Ooo her skills with the English language are quite impressive. No?)
Took Beaver to get his senior pictures. Yes, he's a senior this year. She's going to need lots of wine therapy in the coming months. Let's face it, even after all these things have happened, we're still talking about June here. The lady that likes to trip the light fantastic and waiver a lil too close to the edge!

And so....what have you been up to?

PS I only make reference to flying half way around the world to see my sister, because they are now stateside. And the little twit had the nerve to go and see her in-laws....and didn't come to see me. So, I'm giving her shit! Ev-e-ry.chance.I.get!!!

Counting Down!

2011-01-27T11:50:00.001-07:00

50 days people!

50 days until I leave for Italy!

50!!!!

I'm a little excited. Can't you tell? Now I just need to lose about 20 lbs so I can eat all of the pasta I want and still fit in one airplane seat on the way home!

Pass a glass, people! And not out of the wine box. Nope! Momma wants the stuff with a cork in it!

PS OMG I can't freaking believe I am going to Italy!!! Just can't believe it. Won't actually believe it until I land in Venice. VENICE people!

Fun times

2010-12-21T15:21:00.001-07:00

They have been jackhammering.......constantly.......outside of my office for the last two days.

I have THIS and still have not been able to get in to see the orthopedic doctor.

I went to have a deep tissue massage to try and alleviate the pain from THIS...since the pain meds offer no relief ...until I can get in to see the orthopedic.

The massage did not help.

I can still hear jackhammering.

And now the pain has been magnified to the umpteenth level.

I think I will truly lose it this time.

S.O.S. PepperAnn S.O.S.!!!!!!!!

2010-12-16T10:15:00.004-07:00

Help! We are in serious need of help! Seriously! No joke! June's finally lost all of her marbles. Or grapes. Or whatever it is that she had at one time. We don't know what's happening to her. She used to be so.....so.......um.....so much more put together. She used to let us do things likes this:

We'd wait for her to get in the shower in the morning....and then move over to her side of the bed. And RELAX! Good gravy train that woman can toss and turn at night! It's hard for us to get a good night's sleep.
And now? Now? She put a tree in the living room! We know! We told you she's losing it. Not only that.....she put flashing lights all over the thing and hung toys from it that we aren't supposed to play with! Can you believe it? She also put shiny ribbons all over boxes and do you know what else? She absolutely l-o-s-e-s it when we drag one little box through the dog door and play with it in the yard! Hello? It's in our territory - the floor! It's not like we jumped up on the counter and swiped it. She's also talking under her breath - a lot! Muttering something about Marley. Who the heck is Marley?

But this? This is the last straw, PepperAnn! WTH? WTH? Who does this? Oh my Dawg, this is so embarrassing!

And of course, she did this to the Queen Bee herself! Not so funny now, is it, precious? We saw you smirking at us!

Bahahahawahhaaaaa! You look ridiculous!

Please PepperAnn, we beg you! Come and save us! We can not take much more of this nonsense!

Puhlease!!!!! Help! Only you can save us!

What's that smell?

2010-11-23T08:48:00.002-07:00

Mmmmmmm Thanksgiving.....all the smells, the flavors, the indulgence......one of my favorite holidays! It is now forever ruined thanks to Glade's Winter collection of sprays. Well, actually it's not Glade's fault. It's the last person that made the run for office supplies. For some odd reason, they thought that apple cinnamon spray was appropriate to use in the bathroom. People, if you learn nothing from me, at least learn this - there is a place for fruit smells and IT IS NOT in the bathroom. Trying to disguise the smell of poo with apple cinnamon spray is....well.....wrong in so many ways!

Well then.....Happy Thanksgiving to you all! And if you serve apple pie this Thanksgiving....well, I am sorry if this lil post ruins it for you.

Pass the wine please and hold the pie!

PS I have some very exciting news to tell you. But it will have to wait til later. Let's just say it's going to involve getting nekked for the TSA and the land of wine.....

Phones.......

2010-10-13T14:06:00.001-06:00

It's my phone week......need I say more? Someday, someday....we'll hire an actual receptionist. Until then - you get yours truly. It has not been a good week. So....I would ask that you refrain from calling and saying, "Um, ya, well I JUST missed a call from this number" and then want me to find out which of our employees just called you.

And while we're on the subject of phones....let me share a little text between myself and Beaver....

Me: "Son, I bought some more of that pepperoni bread for you for after school" (He empties out the fridge every day after school!)

My expected response from Beaver: "OMG Mom! I can't believe you remembered how much I loved that bread!!!! And took time out of your lunch break to buy me some. You are the greatest....ever."

Beaver's actual response: "K"

Ok, maybe the exclamation marks were too much to expect. But "K"....that's all? I have to answer phones and my 16 - almost 17 year old - son won't get a little excited when his momma buys him pepperoni bread. Fine then!

Be kind. Pass me a glass please.....

Al-Qaeda don't have shit on this....

2010-09-30T16:40:00.001-06:00

I am living with a terrorist! How can something this sweet.....

do something like this?

And THIS?

See this shoe? The baby shoe my mom
saved for me in case I had a daughter.
Which I didn't....but still!

Well, the match to it, now looks like this!

A terrorist, I tell you!
Don't be fooled....she isn't really sleeping.
Just waiting for me to leave the house so
she can wreak her terroristic havoc on me!

(Is she laughing? Is that her tongue sticking out?)

And while we're on the subject of terrorists......may I present to you the man that is teaching the men and women who will protect us from terrorists - Mr. Homeland Security 2010! Yes, Ward started his new career. Life is good!

Sorry, I can't show a view of him from the front. You know, because he works for the feds and all.....
but trust me, he looked so cute in his little uniform!
(Don't pay attention to the overgrown bush, Ward has been busy. He'll be trimming that this weekend.)

Now where is may glass?

PS Yes, Susan, I am the one that takes the last box!!

Happy Friday

2010-09-24T09:13:00.000-06:00

See you next week! Here's hoping it is better than this week was!
What am I saying? IT WILL BE! Ward starts his new job on Monday!
I may have to take a sick day....you know, to recuperate....
You bring the wine, k?

Uh oh!

2010-09-22T11:41:00.000-06:00

Looks like I accidentally changed my blog theme. I was "trying on" themes. You know? Trying to find one that didn't make my blog look fat. But I decided I didn't like any of them. Especially this one. So, I left the page. It told me that if I navigated away from the page, my changes wouldn't be saved. Well liar, liar - pants on fire! I came back to comment on Kat's comment about 5 years of college - 5!!!!, we'll go into that later - and WTH my blog is pink! W.T.H! And I can't get my old one back. Pffft!

Guess that's what I get for blogging instead of working. Karma! Dontchya love it!

That's the last time I tap into the vino before work! (just kiddin'! damn you people need to get a sense of humor)

PS Kat, really? 5 years? That puts Beaver and Wally in college - at the same time - for two years instead of one! How come no one told me this when I was whining about taking Wally for his first year of college. I thought you guys were my friends! Oh dear Greatoneinthesky! I think I am gonna lose it! Ward, we're gonna have to adjust the budget.....again. Sonofa.....

PPS BTW, my fellow bloggers and commenters - I now have comments forwarded to my hotmail account (you know because I get inundated with so many comments throughout the day), which is sent to my handeddowncrackberry. Which means I get your comments **instantly** - AT WORK. So, as a hint, if you are going to post a comment that is going to send me a 'lil too close to the edge, could you wait until after 5? Hmmm? So, I at least have access to some fermented grapes!

PPPS Does this theme make my blog look fat?

Major 101

2010-09-21T16:48:00.002-06:00

So, Wally's sophomore year of college is underway. The time to drop/add classes has passed. As of right now he's in the college of engineering and technology. Going to get a degree in engineering. As of right now. I say "as of right now" because as of today, that could change. He emailed me today......

Just to let you know i've been seriously considering switching my major to something having to do with
health and nutrition that would maybe lead to a career
implementing this with children.

My mind begins to race when I read this. I try to keep calm. Try to remember that when we went to orientation they told us - on average - a college student changes their major 6 times. I DO remember thinking, "Not my Wally". So I am trying to keep calm, trying not to pick up the phone and call his advisor and tell him Wally's Mother - the one that writes the checks - does not want, under any circumstances, for him to change majors. But of course, I am his mother and he is 19. Which means that even though I gave birth to child and write the checks, the advisors don't listen to me. In fact, due to privacy, they won't even talk to me....

But, given the fact that I am Wally's Mom, and calm is nowhere in my vocabulary, I start to think:
The what? The who? You wanna a degree in what? What the hell are we talking about here? You want to be a doctor? What the heck is a degree in health and nutrition? I appreciate the fact that you used the word "implementing", but what do you really mean? What the hell are you thinking son? If you change majors now, how are you going to get all of your classes in? Good God, you aren't going to be one of those career college students, are you? I mean, I know I said find something you love - but what I really meant was find something that pays you well enough so I don't have to support you the rest of your life.....even though I love you with all of my heart!

We've already established the fact that I am not college educated. I wish I were. So, having only attended one semester (one semester that I had to pay my dad back for because I failed my classes after I met and fell in love with Ward) I'm not sure how all of this works. Of course, I don't want to just call my son and ask him what the hell is he thinking....so....help me out here. Help me out you college educated people. If he changes majors now, can he still complete his degree in four years - as opposed to 16? Hmmm? Help? And really, how do you talk a 19 year old out of a degree in health and nutrition? And help me out one more time...I know what an engineering degree can be used for. But what exactly is he going to use a degree in Health & Nutrition for? Hmmmm?

And in the meantime, pass me a glass. I think I'm going to need one.....or two.....

We now return to our regularly scheduled program....

2010-09-14T15:46:00.001-06:00

Ward is heading back to work. Can I get a collaborative "Allelujah!" "Thank you Jesus" "Wahoo" "Cheers"! Things will be getting back to "normal" in the Cleaver household and I can go back to whining about how close to the edge these housemates of mine push me! Wahoo!

I have to say, 2010 will pretty much go down as the year that sucked - only to be trumped by the year 2006, oh and 2003...the year I lost my Mom. I guess when you look back over it all....there's always humps and hurdles to go over. And for the most part, after going through 2003, 2006 and 2010, I can handle those hurdles. It's running into the brick walls that hurts so damned much. I'm ready for the brick walls to be torn down. I'm ready to get past the point where I end up on an episode of "Snapped!" for taking out the mayor and entire city council! Ready for the rollercoaster ride of mayhem that is my life to start back up. I'M SO READY!

So.....this is Ward's last week of "early retirement". Next week he will become an instructor for The$$Department$$of$$Homeland$$Security. (Translation - we pay big bucks for you teach people to protect our borders, people on flights and the security of our nation; thereby allowing you to keep your wife in a constant supply of her favorite boxed vino! insert photo of June smiling here!)

But, before we go back to work....we're headed for a **carefree** weekend with 7 other couples to the annual motorcycle rally. That's right! 8 couples+2 condos+16 different personalities-June's patience for people who can't seem to show up on time or contribute to planning a meal=lots of blogworthy material! Bring it on! We're leaving Friday. Say a little prayer that yours truly, with her new sense of "I can handle life - don't sweat the small stuff", will not blow her top and leave The Princess behind when she doesn't arrive ON time to leave at the SCHEDULED time that we all agreed to! K? Now where did I put that box.......

Lovin' life again,

Oh Happy Day!

2010-09-01T10:20:00.001-06:00

Guess what? Go ahead...guess! Yup, you guessed it! How did you know? Oh, Facebook! Isn't it exciting? I am soooooooo excited. And relieved. And I can breathe now. Things are starting to look up for the Cleaver family.

Now, would one of you come remove the I.V. of Franzia that I've had connected to me since May? I don't think I'll be needing it anymore. At least not until the next wave of hiccups hits the Cleaver household!

No concept of time

2010-08-06T16:49:00.001-06:00

I don't know, if you - like me - are married to a man that has no concept of time! (ok that was probably the most horribly structured sentence ever - bite me!) Ward, in his "I'm-retired-I-can-get-things-done" decided "we" would participate in the annual neighborhood, block garage sale. Even though we A) don't have the time to rummage through our home to find stuff to sell and B) we don't HAVE stuff to sell. We either throw it out or we donate it. I don't "keep" shit I don't use. Ward assured "he" had time. Ok, fine. We've had something to do every night this week! I did manage to find a few things in my kitchen to sell. Friday was going to be the day that Ward would round everything up and get it ready. What he was going to round up, I have no idea, that was for him to do. I left it at that. When I came home at noon today there were two items on the table the garage, in addition to few I had already put there. Mmm hmmm. Ok....fine. Then he decides he's going to sell the big screen he bought at a garage sale, because he doesn't like the picture. But he doesn't want to drag it from the shop to the garage. So, he has an ingenious idea to take a picture of it. He asks if I can print the picture out when I get to work. I said, "Sure, just email it to me and I'll print it." No, he wants to take the picture and give me the camera to take back to work, download the picture and print. No big deal. Really. EXCEPT for now he needs the camera.

Text message at 4:10 pm from Ward, "Would you mind stopping by Carmen's house on the way home and taking a few pics of their entertainment center? It would save me a lot of work" (they have agreed to put some of their stuff in our garage sale. helping us to safe face as the only people on the block with 4 items on their table to sell!)

My text to him: "How are we going to print them out" (we have a printer. don't have any ink. haven't had ink for it in over two years. hey, i forget when I am at hellmart to pick some up. sue me)

Ward: "We're not. I'm going to display them on the lap top during the garage sale." (isn't he high tech!)

My test: "Oh ok" What I'm thinking though? I could KILL you right now! If you hadn't been so busy finding those two other items to put in the garage sale - after I told we had nothing to sell - you could have taken the picture of the big screen yourself and emailed it me. Then you would still have the camera in your possession and could take the photos of the entertainment center yourself.

BUT NO! Instead, I have to stop by there and take the photos on.my.way.home.to.GET.READY.FOR.THE.WEDDING.WE.HAVE.TO.BE.AT.BY.6:30! OHHHHH, AND I STILL HAVE TO CHANGE INTO WEDDING ATTIRE MR. NOCONCEPTOFTIME!

Next time you might want to listen to your wife when she says you don't have the time, or the energy, or the shit to sell to participate in the garage sale. And also? For future reference, it might be a good idea to restock the wine when you drink the last glass. Your wife would have been so much more pleasant to deal with on the 30 minute drive to the wedding that you are late for, had you left her a glass of wine to drink while she was huffing and puffing to get ready!

Cheers,

So Not June Cleaver!

Just let it out....

2010-08-02T10:33:00.001-06:00

Oh hey, Monday?

F%*k You!

Ok, well that about sums it up! How's it going for you?

Pass a glass,

PS I am trying. Really, I am. I get the whole "I can't control all that is happening around me. I can only control my attitude" Well? Today? My attitude sucks! And the forecast for tomorrow isn't looking much better either......

Good Blog Forgotten

2010-07-20T15:54:00.002-06:00

As I went to bed last night, I came up with a really good topic for a blog entry. Problem is...for the life of me...I can't remember what it was about. I've tried all day. I've recreated all of the steps that led up to me going to bed. You know? Kind of like you do when you are trying to find your lost car keys. But no luck! I remember it being funny. And I was so excited, because I finally had something humorous to blog about. After all the "woe is me"-"our life sucks"-whiney entries, I was excited to have something funny to share. And now I can't remember it!

Think, think, think June! Still nuthin'! Isn't that just the way it goes? I've even tried NOT thinking about it. So it would just come to me. Still no luck.

So....I'm sorry. I had something very funny and witty to share with you. But since my mind has turned to mush - I can't remember what the hell it was!

Might as well have a drink. Pass the box please.

PS I did discover the show "Real Housewives of NJ" last night. With Ward being off, he is finding things to do. So....he had satellite installed. "But, June - it's CHEAPER than cable. And look at that picture!" Blah, blah, blah......Whatever. So I plant myself down last night and start skimming thru the 5,044 channels and found BRAVO. And was glued to the TV all night. Only leaving it briefly to refill my glass. It was like I knew I shouldn't be watching this trash, but I just couldn't look away! We may be the "Real Housewives of Blogworld" but I am here to tell you we have nothing on these bitches. They are certifiable whackjobs! This is reality tv at it's lowest. And I loooooooove it! There's name calling, hairweave pulling, stupidity - "My husband's always been an entrepreneur. That means he owns his own business.....right?" are you asking me or telling me lady? - cop calling, lawsuit filing, energist bullshitting and all kinds of "ohnoshedinnnt" going on! If you haven't seen it, and you need something to show you that your life ain't so bad after all - as if this blog doesn't do it for you - watch it! Trust June. And don't be stupid like Ward and ask how can I watch this crap! Because I pay the bills buddy and if I "forget" to pay the satellite bill you can say bye-bye pretty picture. And trust me, if they cancel my satellite it will hurt me way more than it hurts him!

Anyway, IF I remember what I was going to blog about, I'll be sure to let you know!

Numbers game

2010-07-19T11:24:00.001-06:00

Ward has gone to interview AGAIN - for the big federal agency. This is his 2nd time out there. He didn't get hired on the 1st time. They haven't filled that position yet. But this time he is testing with 11 other people. Of those 11, 5 already work there as temps and trying to get on full time. There are 3 positions open. You do the math. I can't. I just can't even think that he will go through this interviewing process twice, being completely qualified, and not get the job. It'll kill whatever's left of his self esteem. He's been notified that he's being "considered" for a 3rd position as well. Which means another interview process. But what else can you do? You can't give up. You have to keep going. I never was a cheerleader, but I'm doing my best to keep him positive. The whole government hiring process just sucks. The guy that runs the center wants Ward, but he can't just hire him. That's not how the government works. Ward has to apply, compete and then hopefully come out on top. Then the head dog can hire him. There's a whole point system that figures in too. He gets so many points for being prior military. But the points he is lacking are the one's the temps have. So....he just has to hope he comes out on top during the other stages of the interview process. I think they should give him bonus points for being married to June Cleaver all of these years. I have a mind to call and tell them that, but we've already decided it's not a good idea to go "Kitty" on them. At least not while they are still in the "considering" phase of things! Again, I find myself at a point in life that I just want to be past this part. I want it to be a year from now. Whatever is going to happen - is going to happen. I want it to just happen so life can go on. You know?

And it's not like he'll even find out today, or tomorrow, or even next week if he has the position. It takes for-ev-er and a day for them to fill the positions. So....more waiting, wondering, hoping and praying!

Bottoms up!

Random nonsense on a Friday

2010-07-16T10:57:00.001-06:00

It's Friday....and I don't feel like working. Got back from Vegas on Monday. Went to work on Tuesday. And after working on Tuesday, Wednesday and "kind of" on Thursday - I don't want to work today. I blame it on Vegas. I never should have gone. It's not the place to be when you come from a family of drinkers. Seriously, if there were an Olympic sport for drinking, my ancestors would have brought home gold, silver and bronze! They drink all day - every day - in Vegas. I felt the after effects on Tuesday when I was craving a red beer at 10 in the morning. It's ok when you are in sin city...not so good when you are sitting at your desk dealing with a bitch of a customer!

Anyway...I have a confession to make. We didn't really just say "screw it" and take off to Vegas without giving any thought to the impending $1,000/mo paycut we were facing. I mean we took the trip. But the 91 year old owner of the company I work for was the benefactor. He called me in his office one day and said he had two free airline tickets that he would like to give to Ward and I. (Disclaimer: It was on a regional carrier - so it wouldn't take me to Italy. Just in case Motherhen is reading this.) We took him up on his offer. Then he called me in his office again and gave me a check to cover most of our expenses. It made me cry. He said he appreciated all that Ward had done for the city and was sorry for what they had done to him. I've worked for this man for 14 years now and he never ceases to amaze me. He still comes in to work everyday. He is kind, softened in his older years. I didn't work here when he was younger, but I've heard he was tough! So.....June didn't lose all of her pearls. The trip was almost completely paid for! Although I do still have the screw it attitude!

We had a good time. And now we're back to reality. Back to Ward trying to find something to do daily - to keep busy. To take his mind off of the fact that he's not working. The tension is back. The worrying is still nagging in the back of my mind. It won't always be like this. I know. He has an interview on Monday and I am just hoping and praying that he gets this job. It would be something that he would enjoy.....and way less stressful than the "other" job he had. And if he doesn't, well, we'll just deal with it.

I think my trans am is about to call it quits. It's only 11 years old. I'm not sure what that translates into in dog years.....but she's showing her age. It takes a couple cranks on the key to get her to start up. The oil pressure gauge jumps back and forth. I'm just waiting for it blow! The driver's seat has started to tear....exposing whatever that stuff is that they put it seats. Whatever it is, it gets stuck to my shirt and looks like I've been eating Cap'n Crunch and saving some for later. The passenger side is still dented where I whipped a little too quickly into a parking space and hit the hitch of one of those monstrous pick-up trucks. Road hog! And now the cover on the right headlight doesn't close properly. Looks kind of like she's winking. I think it's cute. I'm sure Ward won't think it's too cute when I tell him some guy backed into me the other night in the pouring rain. After we both got out and inspected - and found no damage - we both went on our ways. It just looked like there was a little dirt on my bumper. And being that's it's a tupperware bumper, it just wiped off. No harm done. Or, so I thought. I got home that night. Pulled into the garage and went into the house. Came back out to the garage to do some laundry and noticed her winking at me! Shit! My lights had been on and I didn't realize he had come up that far over my bumper. I didn't have his info either. Oooooohhhhh! Yeah! I was involved in an accident. I didn't notify the police. AND I didn't exchange info with guy! Before you people start judging - it was in the p-o-u-r-i-n-g rain. I was already late getting home after shopping for the trip and was trying to sneak a couple of pairs of shoes into the house before Ward noticed. I had guilty written all over me. He was not going to believe that I wasn't the one that caused the damage this time. I was just the idiot that didn't want to get wet and figured everything was ok!!! So, I pushed down on the cover as hard as I could and went back in the house. I'll deal with that later! People say that the condition of their closets, or their purses, directly relates the way their lives are going. For me? It's my car. Rough around the edges.....showing the wear and tear!

I had actually gone shopping to find a bra. A strapless bra. I hate bra shopping. I needed one that would at least put the twins back in the region that they were located in years ago - as opposed to sitting on top of my stomach. It's a much more slimming look to have them perched a little higher! Trust me. After trying on 52.5 bras.....I settled on one that works pretty well. I don't know when I went from a C cup to a D....but whatever. I do not like to have any boob spillage going on, so that was the reason for the D. To make myself feel better after having to go up a cup size, I tried on a couple of pairs of shoes and bought a cute pair of brown sandals. That didn't quite ease the pain. So....I tried on another pair - and it was on clearance. So, I bought those too! I felt MUCH better. I try to do my share to stimulate the economy whenever I can.

I had to pay for Wally's apartment yesterday. The same apartment that he will not be occupying for another month. If it wasn't paid for, he would lose it. So....instead I lost it. Say bye-bye to $200! But children, especially educated ones are just priceless. Aren't they? Please tell me they are!

That about sums it up. Wrecked my car, lied about being carefree, went to Vegas, came home, don't want to work, don't want to deal with Ward being retiredly unemployed, don't want to deal with the fact that I need to get some type of exercise back in my life and lastly don't want to deal with Wally leaving back to college - AND HAVING TO CREATIVELY BUDGET FOR IT! Who says we need to pay the electric bill and water in the same month? Wally needs books dammit! See? I could have just said those 4 sentences instead of typing 6 paragraphs of mindless ramblings! You missed me. Didn't you?

Even if you didn't, pass a glass.....

What happens in Vegas......

2010-07-06T16:38:00.001-06:00

Ok....so we didn't shrivel up and die. The earth did not open up and swallow us both. Although, many times over the last couple of weeks, I wished it had. This whole "retirement" thing has been an adjustment - for both Ward and I. I know it's harder on him. But this is my blog, so I get to detail how hard it is on ME! Really, it hasn't been so hard on me. It could be that I've switched from my drink of choice to salty dogs....something about vodka that just gives you this nice little idon'tgiveashitwhatyoupeoplearethinking feeling that I kinda like! Or it could be the fact that I have something to look forward to. We are going to Vega$ people! That's right. My husband was just forced into early retirement and we are facing a $1000/month paycut and Wally is headed back to college in a few months, but what the hey? We're doing what any old, married couple would do - we're losing our freakin' minds! And we don't care! And this post already has way to many exclamation points in, but I don't care! I am just so exclamated at this point! We've spent our lives doing what we were "supposed" to do and shit still happens. So, might as well do what is fun!

So...I've never been. Ward went once for training. Took us for-ev-errrrrr to pick out a room. I want this to be just right. It's sorta a combination "happy forced retirement honey" & "twenty year wedding anniversary" trip all rolled into one. I made a comment on Facebook about it taking longer to pick out a hotel than it did to name the boys. Beaver took exception to this and has decided to pay us back by having a party while we are gone! The child had the gall to post it on Facebook. All I have to say is if that child gives me any reason to blog about anything that happens while we are out of town, I will have to post it after his funeral. In the famous words of Bill Cosby, "I brought you into this world and I can take you out" And it helps that my best friend lives across the street! You know? To keep an eye on them! Not that they would do anything. Not those teenage angels of mine!

We leave Thursday. Can't wait. Don't want to fly. But I don't want to drive either. So,flying it is. I hear they serve vodka on the plane! I'll tell you all about my adventures when I get back. For those of you on Facebook, you'll know quicker than the rest about what happened in Vega$......wait, I forgot....what happens in Vega$, stays in Vega$! Sorry, you'll just have to make up your own stories about what happened!

Bottoms up!

PS I haven't really switched my drink of choice. I did discover that I like vodka. But once again, I have to keep the whole Irish heritage in check and can't drink that stuff too often lest I turn into a raging drunk. Slushy lushy is ok. But falling down drunk is not attractive on any 40 year old lady.

Trudging on.....

2010-06-10T14:18:00.004-06:00

.....and so the other shoe dropped. Memorial Day. I'm making bacon-wrapped shrimp jalapenos for the Memorial Day BBQ we are supposed to be at in a couple of hours....and Ward gets THE call. His last interview, as you remember, was on the Friday before Memorial Day. It was a weekend meant for remembering, celebrating and family gatherings and we were doing our best to not to remember what was going on. Even if it was just for a few days.......but that all ended with the call from the city adminstrator. I looked at him when he got off the phone. He said they wanted to see him and he grabbed his keys. No sooner was he out the door and I poured the wine. I knew this wasn't good. Everything we'd hoped, wished and prayed for was about to come undone. I just knew it. I felt it. It was there...in the pit of my stomach. And then....a little light. Maybe it was the glass of wine. Maybe, just maybe, really, they were going to tell him the job he had worked at getting for over 20 years was about to be his.

An hour...was it an hour? Hell, I don't know. Sometime later, he came in and hung his keys up. His back to me. Shoulders kind of down and I knew it! As he turned around, my eyes filled with tears, he said, "They went with the other guy." For the first time, in over 20 years, I had no idea what to say. I was completely at a loss. What could I say to this man I've loved for over 21 years? I had no words to fix it. Nothing that could ease what he was feeling. I was helpless. "No....why?" It was all I could manage to mutter. How could they do this to him? How? Why? Not only did they not elect to make him the chief, but he also could not have his position back as assistant chief. He would have to leave the police department at the end of June. Wha? Huh? What did he do? Why are they making him leave? The city administrator couldn't say. He was just the messenger. The message came from the Mayor. Was the Mayor there to tell Ward that he was sorry, but after 20 years of service to the department and the city, they decided to go with another candidate? No....he was probably off enjoying his Memorial Day barbeque! They, the city council and mayor, made the decision to go with the other guy on Friday and he accepted the job. Did they bother to give Ward a courtesy call? Hell no. The city administrator was leaving for vacation, to Hawaii, and had to let Ward know before he left. Nice! Thankyouveryfuckingmuch to the city for their tact and flippin gall!

And so....what now? I sat on the patio, drinking my wine. Trying to think. Now what? How could they do that to him? How? Just how? Why? No one can even say why. How is that fair? "You know, Ward, we appreciate what you've done, but this other guy....." They can't even point out to him why he wasn't chosen. You know? If he sucked as chief, that would be one thing. If he wasn't able to handle the job, I could see a reason for all of this. I know I'm biased. I'm his wife. But the guys? And the women? The one's who work for him.....they're just as dumbfounded. There's the few that are gloating. The one's who didn't like decisions that he made that didn't go in their favor, and that's understandable. When you're in charge, let's face it, you're probably going to make some decisions that piss some people off. And some people, although they are supposed to be adults, will turn into absolute assholes when you piss them off and will be hellbent on making your life just as miserable as theirs is.

As the days go by, it's settled in. It's not getting any easier, but the reality of it all is settling in. I still think, "Is this really happening?" I wake up and for a few minutes, I'm ok. I've kind of forgotten...and then it all comes back. The hurt for him, the anger at all of this, the disappointment and disbelief! Having to get up every day, go to work and go on. He still has to go in to work every day and face everyone. I don't know how he does it. He hasn't done anything wrong, but they've made it seem as though he has. He is a good man. But they've crushed him. They bruised his 20 years of accomplishments. He couldn't end it the way he wanted to and that sucks. He's worried about what will happen to the department. Wants to make sure everything is taken care of the right way when he leaves. Making sure that the guys know what he does, so they can let the new guy know. And then the anger and disappointment hits him, too. He's irritated. Irritable. All the while trying to hold his head up. It's enough to drive anyone crazy. He's talked of suing the city and all I can do is just look at him. Let him rant. Let him rave. This is his battle. But all the while, I am secretly hoping he doesn't. Let's just go. Let's not get caught up in all of this. A lawsuit? First of all, it's expensive. Second of all, how could you win? It's an at-will employment. He is not in the union and really has no recourse. The sad fact is, you can work your ass off for 20 years, not do anything wrong, and they can still let you go....

I've crunched numbers until I can't see straight. Telling him we will be fine until he finds another job. What? I'm supposed to tell him, sorry you lost everything you've worked for, but between the cut in what you will be taking home from your retirement pay and the cost of health insurance - we may just lose the farm on all of this! I'll make it work. Somehow! I've turned into the slushiest of lushes...and that isn't good. I'm Irish. Therefor, I come from a long line of alcoholics. Functioning alcoholics, but alcoholics nonetheless. So, I have to keep that in check. I get to work and stare at my computer and really don't know how all of this is happening, or what to do. 5 o'clock can't come soon enough. I can't get home fast enough. Get inside. Feel the comfort of home. The safety. And it's still there. This whole mess. And so, I have a drink. And start to think that everything is going to be ok. It'll all work out. I'm still not buying the cliches'. The "one door closes".....the "it's for the better"...."God's plan" - I want to be past this point so badly. I want to be happy, sitting next to the man I love more than peanut butter, and looking back at all of this as a memory. Not in the present. I don't want to deal with the present!

So....that sums up the last 11 days of our life! Just trying to put one foot in front of the other.....and keep the fridge stocked.

Pass me a glass, if you don't mind.

Loss of all control

2010-05-27T16:20:00.001-06:00

This isn't how I pictured my life....worrying, scared, wondering....always waiting for the next shoe to drop, the next edge to fall over. Seriously, if I make it through this year, this month, hell - this week - it will be a flippin' miracle. I thought at the ripe old age of 40 that I had finally figured life out. Didn't seem to be anything too difficult. Grow up, raise a family, pay my bills and my taxes, teach my boys right from wrong, take them to church, love my husband, treat people kindly, and believe in God...everything else will fall into place. Right? No, unfortunately it doesn't matter if you do all of those things, even if you do them quite well (most of the time) (I might add!), that edge and that shoe are still there, just waiting to drop.

It's the unknown. The waiting. Feeling like you have no control over anything. Anymore. If I do all of those things, why can't things just fall into place? Why? It's the begging God and then questioning, really, does He exist? Even typing that, questioning HIM, my Catholic upbringing guilts me into believing I'm headed for Hell for even having the audacity to question. But, still I do. How is it that we try to do the best we can, and still the best is not good enough for the planets to align, karma to cooperate and for things to finally work themselves out? Why do bad things happen to good people? And good things happen to bad people? Why?

There is no telling how things will work out tomorrow. Ward has his final interview. Tomorrow his fate, his career and our lives will be determined by eight city council members and one mayor. No matter what happens, opinions, whether wanted or not, will be given. Tongues will flap until they almost cause heads to spin off their shoulders. It's the most newsworthy, gossip fulfilling "happening" going on in our little corner of the world. At least that's what it is to other people. To us? It's our lives. It's a human being we're talking about. Not that that matters to the tongue waggers.

The thing that worries me...the thing I have no control over....the thing that is sending me near the edge is how it will affect him. I can tell him a million times that we will be ok. That it's going to be ok. Whatever it is. But truthfully? I just don't know. People have said viscous, untrue things so far. I can only imagine what will spew out of their mouths if he isn't chosen. The stares. The whispering. The online, anonymous ranting. And there is no control over any of it.

I just don't have a good feeling that they will select him. It's political. The mayor wants change. It doesn't matter that he's the most qualified and most respected, among his peers. Or that he's spent 20 - TWENTY - years working up to this position. Can you imagine? Working toward a goal for 20 years and having it pulled out from under you?

June's about lose whatever is left of her evah lovin' mind. And there isn't much of that left. We all know that. I just wish I had a little more control.

The one thing I do have control over? That full box 'o fermented grapes sittin' in my fridge. So grab a glass, I'll be there in a few....

PS There's been a magnitude of shit that has happened in the Cleaver household this year (besides what is happening to Ward)- and the year isn't even half over. I can typically handle a shitload of shit, but when it's all crammed at the beginning of the year, it's a little much for anyone to handle! After all this is over, we'll sit down, have a glass of wine and discuss it all. It will surely make you sit back and realize that your life doesn't suck after all!

PPS And yes, the rumors are true - when Wally was checked into the hospital, a 3-hour drive took June 4 1/2 hours because she can not maneuver a freakin' loop. It's a loop people!! And yet? Somehow! I still managed to get lost! And no, Kat, I was not even driving in a big city!

FYI

2010-04-23T08:29:00.001-06:00

Just a little FYI for you on a Friday.....because I care about you people and think you should know.....

When you are ~~worried to death~~ dealing with the prospect of your husband being unemployed, and after you've paid Uncle Sam a butt load of your hard earned money in taxes, when you say, "It can't get any worse than this?" Be VERY CAREFUL - don't even THINK this out loud.....because, as it turns out, in fact it can GET worse!

I am the proud owner of a house with polybutylene plumbing! And I will own this house for.the.rest.of.my.life! It is damn near impossible to sell a house with PB plumbing in it because the sonofabitch leaks! Ours has now leaked twice in the last 6 months. Turns out that PB plumbing starts to fail 10 -15 years after it is installed. Our house is 11 years old. Lucky us.

Guess we could go after the real estate agent that sold it to us! But that would be yours truly. OR, we could go after the insurance company - that won't cover the cost of replacing the plumbing. But, then again, that would be yours truly, too. Yeah, I'm real popular in my house right now.

So, yes, it can, and in fact - if you are June Cleaver - IT WILL get worse!

Now someone pass me some gotdamned wine!

Warning! Roller coaster blog post ahead

2010-04-16T14:03:00.001-06:00

Filed your taxes yet? I did and I'm pissed. As usual. I have to admit, it's much more fun to file your taxes when Uncle Sam is sending you some money back. When he doesn't? It sucks! What sucks even more is filing your taxes and then getting an email from the E-filer that your return was rejected! WTH? Rejected? You don't want my return? Fine with me! Oh, what's this? Our return doesn't match what the government has on file for the "Making Work Pay" credit.

Economic Recovery Payments Received does not match the IRS records. If you do not recall if you received the payment, please contact your respective agency below to verify before resubmitting the return claiming the Making Work Pay and Government Retiree Credits.

Seems I, in fact, did not recall that windfall $250 deposit we received from Uncle Sam. Apparently he wants it back. Selfish, overspending bastard that he is. So, I corrected my return to show that yes, my husband did receive $250. And guess what happened? Up on the top right, where it says in big red letters - AMOUNT OWED - went up by $250! Sonofa.... Call me stupid, but how exactly am I supposed to recover from the economy if you are going to send me money to spend (expect me to remember you sent me the money - cuz let's face it, $250 can buy a lot of Franzia!) and then take it back when I already owe you a butt load of money? Ohhhhhh I get it now. You give me money, I spend it on wine; thereby stimulating the economy. You get shifty, take it back. I spend more money on wine, trying to drown my financial sorrows. Brilliant plan Uncle Sam! For future reference, do not send me anymore money, if you are just going to take it back! Clear?

Whew! Next.....Ward and I were given tickets to the annual "Taste of Our Town". Quite the social event for our little town. Local vendors set up booths and offer tastings and there's a silent auction. Oh, oh, oh! And the best part? There's wine! FREE wine. Need I say more? The theme this year was "Kentucky Derby" and everyone is encouraged to wear Kentucky Derby attire. I googled it. Because I had no idea what that attire was. I pictured having to order a whip and some riding stirrups. But no, it's just floppy hats and such. So.....I had a great picture in my head to go all Julia Roberts-Pretty Woman-Polo Match Scene-dress and hat. I actually got a little excited and thought, "This is gonna be fun!" I had a little problem finding any hats, or a dress like Julia's. I also had a little problem that I waited until the day of the event to look for this getup! Well, in my defense, it wasn't so much that I waited, I didn't have the time until that day. So, I ended up with a floral print dress and some really cute shoes. I did finally find a hat at a thrift store. It didn't match the dress but I figured out an idea. So, I stopped at the craft store and bought some ribbon, flowers and tulle - because no derby hat is complete without all of this crap! I realized that I was going to have to go all Marfa Stewart and pull out the dreaded glue gun, but my fingerprints had finally come back, after the last incident, and I figured I was safe. You just wait til they see this hat! But....I needed to change the color of the hat to match my dress. It needed to be black. That way the pink ribbon and flowers would really stand out! Well, an idea came to me - and as with all of my ideas, I really didn't think it through too well. Suffice to say, if you are going to spray paint a hat, doing so three hours before the start of the event is not enough time for the fumes to disappear! Talk about stink! I don't know if I was high off the fumes, or just drunk off the wine, but my head was killing me! And no, sadly, I did not look like Julia. Maybe Rosanna Rosanna Danna, but would you expect any less?

To top this thrilling week off - today Ward had to apply for his position, along with every other applicant. Now we just begin the wait..... I've been stuck with whether I should set the record straight or keep my mouth shut. One of the employees at city hall "supposedly" had a conversation with the mayor as to why he shouldn't keep my husband as chief. She "allegedly" said Ward had no morals and cheated on me. AND that I threw him out of the house! There were always rumors as to why Ward and I separated. On top of my marriage being broken, and trying to deal with that, people were anonymously putting comments on the website of the local newspaper. I could never respond back and tell them they were wrong, because I didn't know who the people were that were commenting. It has been eating me up! I want to go up to city hall and go all **Kitty on her, but I don't want to cause a scene that will jeopardize Ward getting the job. I also wanted to talk to the mayor. Tell him Ward did not cheat on me. And I did not throw him out of the house. Truth is we were fighting all of the time and I wasn't much fun to be married to. I didn't throw him out. He left because he couldn't take the fighting/arguing and me ignoring him anymore. But the mayor won't even return my husband's phone calls. I doubt he would talk to me. I feel like before they make their decision - whoever is making the decision, there's been so much speculation as to who will pick the chief - he needs to know the truth. I would hate for them not to keep my husband on as chief because of untrue rumors that were spread by an employee. I think they have a name for that. I think it's call slander. And if you slander my husband and jeopardize his career, don't think I won't sue your ass!

Ok, you may all unfasten your seatbelt now. The ride is over. Please exit to the left and don't forget to pass the wine!

**Kitty Definition

Kitty [kit-tee]

1. Mother to June Cleaver and Motherhen

adj

1. To have no filter
2. To embarrass one's family,while telling off whomever - for any reason that makes sense to you. Especially after you've had a couple!

(In her defense, she was, in her own way, just trying to protect the ones she loved - and she let 'em have it if they hurt someone she loved.)

Boys suck....

2010-03-24T16:20:00.002-06:00

**Famous words from my friend Jane! And how true those words are. Sometimes....and some boys do and some boys don't. And by "some" I mean very few. Because let's face it, ~~most~~ ~~a lot~~ several boys do! And I don't mean any of your boys do. Of course not. And Wally doesn't. He's home for Spring Break. I got a text message from him today:

That burrito was pretty freakin awesome! Thanks. (complete with a little smiley face at the end. I would put one here, but I can't figure out how to do it. Don't bother sending me instructions on how to do it, because I won't remember how the next time I need one. So why waste your time? But thanks anyways. (um, and anyways is too a word. I have no idea why it's not in spellcheck. Oh well looky there, apparently neither is spellcheck since it's got a red squiggly line under it too!) )

So....anyway.....that little text made my day. That burrito? Just leftover taco meat with a little shredded cheese and salsa. Made one for Mr. Cleaver too. Unfortunately I didn't get a text from him saying how freakin awesome it was! And that makes him suck. As of right now. I don't want this to turn into a whole "bash Ward" blog. I don't mean to only post something on here when things ain't going so hot. Because you might get the impression that my marriage sucks. Which it doesn't. At least all of the time it doesn't. But right now? Well, right now we just aren't clicking. We're off kilter somehow. I don't know what it is. But it isn't right.

Ok, to be fair to Ward, he has a lot on his plate. He's been the "interim" Chief of Police since last year. He was led to believe that all he had to do was show him he could do the job, which he has, and he would be appointed as THE Chief of Police. Since then, things have changed. And by things, I mean the mayor. The mayor has changed. The elections have come and gone and now we have a new mayor. Not the mayor that appointed Ward as interim chief. The NEW mayor decided to put the position up for application. So....anyone can apply and if Ward wants the job, he can apply too. And boy if that didn't start the rumors in this little town of ours a flyin'! He's crushed. Embarrassed. Feels let down. He's worked his way up the ladder for 20 years. This is really all he knows. It isn't that he hasn't done his job. Hell, the mayor even said he's done a heck of a job. It's politics. He's just a victim of politics. And so.....he's been a little cranky. And some of that crankyness has been leveled at me. Which makes me cranky. And even though I love my husband more than full box of Franzia, he sucks sometimes. But that doesn't mean I don't love him. I just don't like him sometimes.

Boys suck. The mayor is a boy. He definitely sucks. The director of personnel sucks big time! He actually called Ward to see where he should advertise the job for chief so that it reaches the greatest audience of police personnel. Seriously? I think he sucks the most. The guys that are saying things about my husband, the things that aren't true, they suck too!

And...I guess I suck too. Here Ward is, worried about his job and future, and I get all bent out of shape because he doesn't thank me for a burrito. I guess that makes me the queen sucker! Your Royal Highness, the Queen of Suckiness!

**Actually Jane!'s famous words were "Boys are stupid" She is so much more classier than I am. Nevertheless, boys are stupid. But then again, so am I....obviously! So.....

Some day

2010-02-28T22:13:00.001-07:00

Some day.......

Some day you will realize that just because you and she disagree about one of your children.......it does not mean that she is ALWAYS being in defense of them.....

Some day you will see how much it chips away at her sense of self.....every time you walk passed her and grab her roll of fat......

Some day you might realize you need to tell her she is beautiful......even though she just discovered 3 more lines on under her eyes.....

Some days......it's not ALL ABOUT YOU.....Sometimes, it's all about her.....and when you don't realize that, it seriously pisses her off!

Some day you might actually thank her for all that she does, not because she wants the recognition, but.....sometimes it's just nice to be noticed.

Some day, you will learn that she came up with a way to pay for $1500 bill to Uncle Sam. What you will probably notice first, was that she said it was $1,000 that was owed, because somehow $1500 would have sent you over the edge. While you are still on the topside of the edge, realize that $1500 SENT HER over the edge and she survived.

Some day you might see that what you said tonight about why you separated 3 years ago, completely pulled the rug out from under her. She will never feel "safe" in her marriage. She marks the days, the months, the years - and one sentence "Just like you did when we separated......" completely smacks her in her wrinkled up face!

Some day.....most importantly, you will see that what you said about your son's coach tonight will have a lasting effect on him. You will see that even though she agrees WITH you, but not about the way you deliver it.....you two will disagree. She, becoming the bitch of three years ago........you asleep on the couch....and she wondering, "Seriously?"

And even when..... if you don't "realize" any of this, know that tomorrow she still has to get up, pull on a pair of pants, suck it in, all the while that you walk by with your gut hanging out - and not giving it a second thought - she'll be planning tonight's dinner, figuring out when she will stop at the store - after work, or on her lunch hour - make you lunch, bring you your coffee, make sure the Beav has his lunch money, worry about how you guys are going to pay for college after this semester, wonder if she can do what they expect of her at work and slide into work, late.as.usual...........hair all screwed up, makeup not working and wishing......just once...you would look at her and say, "It's going to be ok"

Some one pass me some damned wine before I spill all of the marbles........

Cancer free

2009-12-30T15:15:00.001-07:00

Yahoo! Cancer free. I called the doctor's office and they said nothing was found. So......I won't rant and rave about how they didn't call me back. I'll just be grateful.

I am also not going to rant and rave about the current "going ons" of my life. But suffice to say, I wish I had a constant I.V. flow of Franzia to deal with it all.

Happy New Year!

Probably??????

2009-12-28T16:44:00.001-07:00

I don't want you to worry about this. This is probably nothing. It's better just to get it checked out as a precaution.

Probably nothing? Don't worry? My poor OB/GYN has no idea that his patient is a whackjob and "worry" is pretty much her middle name. June Worry Cleaver. 40 sucks. Pap smears suck. This year's trip in the stirrups detected a little redness and swelling in my cervix. Okay. And? Well, he decided to do a little biopsy...."just to be sure". Should have the results in about a week to 10 days. I had this done on December 10th. No results yet. Or they haven't called me with the results yet. I called them on the 17th and they told me the results were not back yet, but that they would call me just as soon as they had the results. And, well, I don't want to be a pest. But.....well I went all through Christmas wondering - "Do I?". And if they haven't called, at least I can live with the thought that I don't. And once they call, whether it's good or bad, I'll know for sure. Do I really want to sure? Because once they make the call, it's for sure. No going back. But of course I need to know for sure, because not knowing and wondering is driving me crazy-er!

Maybe I should be worried

2009-12-08T16:35:00.001-07:00

I have a little announcement to make. Now before I make it, I want you all to remain calm. I don't want anyone yelling - "What the hell, June? Have you finally lost all of your pearls?" Ok? Deal?

Ready? Seriously now, no yelling at me.

It is December 8th and I have not put up one Christmas decoration or bought one Christmas present. Zip, zilch, nada, nada!

So there!

I think my procrastination has sunk to an all time low. I think I'll go have a glass of wine and think about it!

Cheers,

Looking for some holiday spirit

2009-11-23T10:40:00.001-07:00

I hate Mondays. Except for when they are my Friday! That's right. Work today and then I am off for the rest of the week! And Wally is home! So.....let the holiday season begin! We usually go to my Dad's for Thanksgiving. It's about 3 hours from our home. But, since Wally was coming home - and so were a lot of his friends from school - we decided not to leave our little town this year. Ward's family was very excited that we were all going to stay for the holiday. I even toyed with the idea of having Thanksgiving at our home. But then thought "Nah". I love them and all, in their own "special" way. But when I've had enough quality time with them, it's nice to be able to get in the car and go home. When it's at your home, well....? You're kinda stuck until they're ready to leave! I realize that's not really being very Thanksgiving-y. And I guess Karma decided to rear her ugly head and teach me a lesson. My mother-in-law's father broke his hip and is in the hospital. She's leaving to help her mom and spend time with her dad while he is in the hospital. They'll be moving him to a retirement home when he's well enough to leave the hospital. So......looks like Thanksgiving will be at my house afterall!

Seriously, I feel guilty for not wanting them there. It's not that I don't want them there. Gah, I sound awful. It's that I would appreciate them helping out a little bit more. It's not all of them that cause me to make a beeline for the fridge at 11am for my favorite adult beverage! Just some of them. There's the nephew and brother-in-law that sit directly in front of the cheese platter and scarf the entire plate down in 3 minutes flat. Not leaving so much as a cracker for the 18 other people that are there. Or my sister-in-law - The Nurse. The drug addicted nurse. She'll have ingested enough painkillers to put her out of commission just in time so she doesn't have to help clean up. How flippin' convenient! While I'm mashing the potatoes, slicing the ham and whipping the cream - do you think one of you could possibly set the table? And after you're done stuffing your faces, rinse your dishes. I'm not even asking for anyone to load the dishwasher, just clean up after yourselves.

I thought MAYBE my Dad would come to my house, since we're not going there. At least my bonus Mom would help. Heck no! They going on a romantic weekend getaway. Perfect! All I want is some damned quality time, making Happy Thanksgiving memories with my family and that ain't gonna happen. There are 51 other weeks in the year to have a romantic getaway. Couldn't he spend just a little time with his oh-so-loving-sunny-dispositioned daughter? Is that too much to ask?

So.....off to the store after work today to pick up enough food to feed 24 people. And enough wine to help that smile stay plastered on my face the whole.entire.day! (geez, I am getting to be more and more like my mother everyday. wish you were here, Mom.)

Happy Thanksgiving all!

PS I do feel bad for having these feelings. This is the time of year to be thankful for what we have and not focus on the faults of the in-laws. And I do have so much to be thankful for. Wally and Beaver are outstanding boys. Funny, smart and the loves of our lives. Ward has worked so hard to get to where he is! He is a great husband and even greater father. A good example for our boys. We are all healthy!

If my husband's family ever found this blog....I would die! But it's better to spew it all out here instead of telling them all to go to hell on Thanksgiving, right? Tell me I'm right? I'm not some awful, ungrateful bitch? Right? Well at least not that awful or ungrateful. Bitch? Well, I imagine if they had a blog, there's would go something like this today:

Mom just called. She's not going to be able to be here for Thanksgiving! Great! That means we have to go over to the bitch's house this year. Won't that be fun? Why does she have to be so uptight at Thanksgiving? I mean if she didn't want us to eat the cheese and crackers, why'd she put them out for pete's sake? And who the hell cares about garlic whipped potatoes? Why can't she just make the normal, lumpy ones that we all like? And why the heck does she get so bent out shape if we're 45 minutes late? Load the dishwasher? Heck no. Last time we put all 75 plates and 41 cups in there, she rearranged everything! It all would have gotten cleaned just fine the way we had it stacked. We were pretty proud for having fit all the dishes in ONE load! Drink another glass of wine and loosen' up, woman!

Best Text Ever

2009-10-28T14:11:00.001-06:00

I don't want to get my hopes up, but I may be in the running for that "Mother of the Year" award afterall.....

Actual text message today, from Wally, from college:

I have a new found respect for you

for cleaning the microwave

for the past eighteen years.

Who says a mother's work always go unnoticed?

Follow up Friday

2009-10-23T16:06:00.007-06:00

Ok, so I've kinda let this blog go by the wayside. It's been a combination of things. Laziness, for one. Busyness, for two. I know. How can you be busy and lazy? Well, I get lazy because I'm so busy. Understand? And boringness, for three. Haven't really had much earth shattering news to post. Or anything that is in true June form, that makes you sit back and say "Thank gawd that stuff happens to her and not me!" Anyway.....I'm going to try real hard to post on Fridays. Kind of a catch up day. Think of it as a little "Fridays with June" Something to look forward to. Yeah, right. Anyway.

So......Beav and the Cheerleader? It's over. AND I still have a job. She sent him a text. A break-up text. (Gah, what I would have given to be able to send a text, instead of having the awkward, breakup face-to-face like we did in the 80's!) Seems they make better friends than they do "friends", if that makes any sense. But they are back to being friends, and my job is once again secure. And Beaver doesn't seem to be too broken hearted about the whole thing. Can I get a collective "Whew" and a celebratory glass of wine, please? Whew! (Kinda wish she would have figured out the whole, "I like you better as friends, than a boyfriend" BEFORE I dropped $50 on that gawdawful corsage thingy! AND KAT if you say one thing about it not being homemade, I may seriously come unglued and have to come and hunt you down with my hotglue gun. The same hotglue gun I am forbidden to use. Due to a lil mishap a few years ago.....we'll save that story for another Friday)

Last night was Beaver's last JV football game. And what a game it was. This was his first year. So, he really didn't see a lot of playing time. But last night? Last night he was on fire. They put him in on special teams and he had 5 tackles! F-I-V-E! All you heard from the announcer was, "And that was #4 on the tackle, Beaver Cleaver!" Woooooo-hooooo! Made a daddy proud. Made a momma nervous, but proud. I mean Beav doesn't weigh a whole heck of a lot and I was afraid he might get hurt! It's been about 6 months since we've made a visit to the ER, and we're about due! Anyway, isn't he handsome? And tall? When the heck did he get so tall? He's only 15.

(to get the full effect of his "handsomeness" you might need to click on the pic to see it bigger! but don't forget to click the back button on your browser to come back and read the rest of this riveting post. I'm too 'puter illiterate to figure out how to make it pop up in a new window, so that when you close the picture, you don't close the whole blog and then curse yourself like I do!)

And........see that little brown thing in my arms? That sweet, little gob of goodness? It's a puppy. OUR new puppy! Ward finally caved and agreed we could get another dog. After we had to put our other dog down, I swore I would never get another. But, as time has gone by and as our other dog, Sassy, has started to earn her name - as in tearing up the bathroom trash EVERY night - I've come to the conclusion that we needed another dog. One, to keep Sass company and two, because I had a little empty place in my heart that only a puppy could fill.

Isn't she sweet? And adorable? Couldn't you just pick her up and nuzzle her? Tell me what is sweeter than an 8-week old chocolate lab? With floppy ears? And yes, Jane, her paws do smell like Fritos!

This is Ward. On the floor with Sassy. Trying to convince her that we still love her, too. I'm no dog whisperer, but since Sassy won't even look at him, I'm pretty sure she isn't buying it!

Oh, oh, oh! And I forgot the best part! Beaver and Ward left to go deer hunting today! They won't be home until Wednesday. So, what's so good about that? I'm off from work on Monday and Tuesday! I have the house to myself, and my dogs, until Wednesday. No supper to cook. No text to answer. No forgotten items to run up to the high school during my lunch hour. No store to run by to pick up items for supper that I forgot to get when I was just there the day before! What's a woman to do? Hmmm? Not sure. But I have plenty of wine chillin' while I figure it out. Oh, that and I do have to housetrain a puppy. So, don't get all jealous. It's not going to be ALL fun and games!
Wish me luck!
Til next Friday,

AND so it goes....

2009-10-08T15:49:00.004-06:00

To all of you, thank you for your comments. I love you all more than boxed wine. And you know how much I love boxed wine. In fact, if all of you lived a little closer, I think my dependency on boxed wine would lesson. Ok, probably not. But seriously, thank you. I asked for funny, and really there isn't anything funny about diabetes. I just didn't know what to do or say. But, I appreciate your comments and I know my sister does too. On a good note, Beautiful Daughter #1 tested her own blood sugar the other day. They've even talked about going with an insulin pump once her dad comes back from Kuwait. She is trooping along just fine. Her triplet sister though, is not. Seems she's coming down with every ailment in the world. I think she has ADD. You know "Attention Deficit Disorder". Only I think the deficit is in the fact that she isn't getting any attention. Or at least "feels" like she isn't. My sister is a terrific mother to all three of those kiddos.
So.....again, thank you.

And now......we resume our regular programming in the Cleaver household. Tomorrow is "Homecoming". In more than one way. Beaver will suit out for the varsity homecoming game tomorrow night and stand on the sidelines for the entire game - and we will be so proud of him! (He's JV, so he actually plays on Saturday.) AND, Wally is coming home! It's been almost a month since I've seen him! So......Wally will get to see his brother play. Several of Wally's friends are also coming home for the weekend. The get together for the parents and the college kids, after the game, is at our house. I took tomorrow off so I can get all of the appetizers ready. Can not wait! Have my son home. Have friends over. Good food, hopefully, and good times. AND, I ordered the obligatory corsage for the Cheerleader.

Yes, I think it is probably bigger than all 5'2" of her, but supposedly - the bigger the better! I don't get the whole thing, but what do I know?

And after this week........and having to cough up money for a new water heater, and an alternator for Beav's car, and a spray-in bedliner for Ward's truck - I mean it is hunting season and he has to hookup the camper and we don't want to scratch the bed of the truck, because after all, it is a TRUCK, again, I don't get it, but anyway - and possibly having to cough up money for a new hitch because the old hitch doesn't fit this type of pickup. Ohdontgetmestarted........

After this week, I could use a little fun with my sons and my friends! Oh, and with Ward, of course!

S.O.S.

2009-10-05T09:22:00.002-06:00

I took down Friday's post. Seemed kind of petty after I got into work this morning and had this email from my sister.....

Okay, I had this long email ready to send yesterday and it didn't go through so I'll retry it again......
On Thursday, Beautiful Daughter #1 (BD1) had a doctors appointment because she had been using the bathroom so often at school. Her teacher wondered if she was trying to get out of class and when I asked her about it she said she "had to go" so I told her to stop drinking so much water and she said she was just always thirsty. So the doc did a urinalysis on her and her sugar was extremely high. He had us go down to Pordenone (about 40 minutes away) and have blood work done. Once there her blood sugar was almost 400 (normal is 70-120). They did other tests and confirmed it was diabetes.

They admitted her and started her on an IV and insulin. Over the next three days we talked with Dieticians, Doctors and Diabetic Counselors (the three D's!). As you can imagine it was nerve wracking. We have to get treatment off base and with Hubby being in Kuwait it was pretty stressful. I had friends take the kids for the three days we were there and that was hard. I HATE asking for help and felt totally helpless. They wanted to keep us until Monday but told them I had to go home for my other kids, so we finally made it home Saturday night.

So, this is what we know. 80% of her pancreas is not working. Her body is producing antibodies to stop the insulin production. Her body was dumping the extra sugar in her urine to get rid of it and in turn she was thirsty and trying not to get dehydrated. They say that it's a genetic cause, not her lifestyle or diet. They want the other two triplets also tested (please pray this is negative). They also feel good that we caught this early. They said that usually in kids it's found later once the diabetes has done damage to something else in the body. All of her other labs for her kidneys and liver look normal.

Currently she is taking insulin 4 times a day and we check her BS before meals, give her a dose of insulin and then about 2 hours later I recheck just to make sure they are okay. By looking at her you would never guess she has a problem. She has been a trooper through it all really understands this. Her doctors have her on a pretty strict diet as well.

We go back on Wed for a follow up and make adjustments as needed. She knows she will always have this and will always have to take insulin. Hubby keeps asking what complications this may cause in the future for her and right now I don't want to know. We will have that conversation with the doctors when Hubby gets back in January. Right now we are just letting this sink in. I can't think about what may or may not happen down the road, that's for another day.

Okay, sorry this so short and to the point but I'm tired and already typed it once!!! Also, I'm a bit pissed that all of you live so far away from me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We've had some great people help out but really when things like this happen you just want your FAMILY!! Start applying for your work Visas and get your butts over here, PRONTO!

I'll update when I know something new.
Love
E

For those of you that haven't been around the block with me for a while, E is my younger sister. The one I refer to as "Motherhen". She got that nickname from me because she is sometimes a little bossy and controlling. Sometimes. But more than that, she is a fantastic mother to 8 year old triplets. She's stationed in Italy, with her husband. Her husband has been deployed to Kuwait until January. So......she's on her own right now. With three kids. Once recently diagnosed with diabetes. Trying to handle all of this the best that she can.

We sort of have this defect in our family. It happens when we have to ask for help. There's something about needing help that makes you feel a little out of control. Don't know why. But anyway.......I need your help. I need your stories. Your funnies. Anything you can contribute regarding juvenile diabetes. Maybe you know someone. Maybe you have something funny to add. We could use funny right now. I don't know how to "fix" this for her. I don't know what to say. And being so far away, makes this suck even more.
So, spill it. Give me everything you got. Help me, help my sister. And those of you that know her blog, go by and leave a little inspirational comment or a funny. She can take it. You do see her last paragraph? She's still got funny. And if you have humor, you can get through just about anything.........

One Breakup Away From Being Unemployed

2009-09-29T11:56:00.003-06:00

I have to say, even though there's been a downturn in the economy, I haven't had to worry about losing my job. KNOCK.ON.WOOD. I realize as soon as I say this, Karma will be right there saying, "Oh really, I'll fix her!" But since I work in a small office, and people always need insurance, my job is pretty secure. That is, unless my boss finds out about my on-the-job blogging addiction! I'm sure there are plenty of women out there that are real estate/insurance agents, married to the chief of police and have two sons. Right? Not like he's going to put two and two together and figure out it's me, if he ever does stumble across this blog. Right?

Well......bring in Beaver and now my job is in jeopardy. Beaver asked someone to homecoming. Last Thursday night, as I'm cleaning the kitchen, he comes in and drops the bomb on me. Our little town has a tradition of the cheerleaders decorating the boy's football lockers before the games. Beaver says he's going to put a note in his locker for one particular cheerleader asking her to the dance. He's going to give her his combination and ask her to get something out for him so she'll find the invite. I don't know if I was more in shock that Beaver was actually sharing this info with me - because he NEVER discusses girls with me - or with fact of who the cheerleader is. He has known this girl since the 3rd grade. They've become really good friends over the last two years. He picks her up for school every day. Ward teases him about her being his girlfriend and he always says, "We're just friends, dad!" They're friendship means a lot to him and I know it does to her, too. I remember having guy friends in high school. They were always the best friendships. No catty backstabbing that sometimes occurs when girls are friends. Beaver and the cheerleader have gone from being "just friends" to boyfriend and girlfriend. Beaver's first girlfriend. And this girlfriend isn't just any girlfriend. She's my boss' granddaughter. His first granddaughter....She's also the daughter of my co-worker. I work for the cheerleader's grandpa and with her mother.

Really Beav, of all the girls at the high school, you had to pick this one? Can you imagine how uncomfortable it is going to be to work here if something happens to their little budding romance? And by "if", I mean "when". Because let's face it, I don't really see 10th grade relationships having any longevity. I may be wrong.....wouldn't be the first time. So....someone will break up with someone. Let's say Beaver breaks up because, well he's Beaver and really, he's 15 and doesn't have it quite together yet. The cheerleader's heart is now broken and everyone's mad at me for giving birth to the little heartbreaker! Or, let's just imagine, Beaver does get it together. I mean he'll be 16 in a little over a month. Good Lord! My baby will be 16 soon! 16? Already? Really? 16 years. Wow! Ok.........anyway. Just imagine, Beaver has got it together and things are truckin' along fine. Then out of the blue - she breaks up with him! Why? Because he forgets their "3 month anniversary" - I mean who wants to date a guy that can't even remember their anniversary EVERY MONTH? Once again, everyone is mad at me because I gave birth to the insensitive lout. See? See what I mean? Either way, I'm done.........

Good Lord, there isn't enough Zin on God's green earth to get me through this relationship! I may have to up my game on this one.

Color me stupid!

2009-09-24T14:48:00.002-06:00

Had a past client call me to do a market analysis on a home they purchased from me a year ago. They had remodeled the entire house and were looking to sell it. I did the market. It was tough because the house is located in a neighborhood with a mixture of some nice homes and some that look like crack dealers live in them! It was a tough analysis to do. These people are friends. They did a tremendous job remodeling the home. My market came in around $80,000. I explained that due to the condition of the surrounding homes, I just didn't feel it would sell for more.

Imagine my surprise when it hit the market today. Listed by another agent. For $124,500! Uh oh. What are the chances it could sell for that much? And make me look like the most inept agent in the world? I'll tell ya the chances! We're talking about June Cleaver here. The bad karma magnet. The one who can't seem to follow any law, except for Murphy's. It's going to happen!

How bad of a person does it make me if I sit here and wish their home would sit on the market, month after month, price reduction after price reduction - until it sells for $80,000? Well, in addition to being a whackjob and an agent with no feel for the market - now I am an evil woman, too. And old. Don't forget old. I'm an old, washed up real estate agent!

Some one pass me the wine please.

PS I don't really want their home to sit on the market! What kind of person do you people think I am? I want it to sell for the highest price possible for them. I'll be fine when they tell their friends not to use me because I almost cost them over $40,000, by underpricing their home. Really. I'll be fine.

Prayers Answered

2009-09-17T16:32:00.002-06:00

Thank you all for the prayers - they worked! Beaver found his key! Or, actually, Ward did. Anyway. It has been found and we are now the proud owners of two keys!

So......I'm headed to the motorcycle rally. .38 Special concert on Friday and Skynyrd on Sunday. (Kat, I'll be thinking of you when they play "Simple Man")

Now, for more prayers. Beaver is staying home. By himself. For the first time. Actually he's staying with his best friend. Whose parents are also out of town until Sunday. Yes. I have lost my everlovin' mind. This is Beaver we are talking about. And yes, I've decided he doesn't have to stay with his grandma. So.....prayers, please. We've been over the whole trust issue and how hard it is to get trust back once it's broken. He's a good kid. But he is Beaver after all! The child who just lost his key. And now, I'm leaving him for two nights by himself. With his best friend. So technically, he's not by himself. But has an accomplice. Great. Good thinking, June.

I can just hear it now:

"Where exactly where you, Mrs. Cleaver, while your son was pulling this
little stunt? A concert? Oh, two concerts??? With "your
friends"? Exactly how old are you, Mrs. Cleaver??? 40? Really?
Didn't anyone ever tell you it's time to grow up?"

I'm sure this will be a relaxing weekend!

Saint Zita, Saint Zita, Saint Zita!

2009-09-15T16:28:00.001-06:00

Do me a favor, please? Whether you believe, or not. Please, please, please say a little prayer to Saint Zita. A certain 15 year old in our house lost his keys last night. His ONLY set of keys. Well, not his only set. We have another key. It just won't start his car. See, I had a key made when we bought the car, but his key has a chip in it. The key from Hellmart? No chip. And so, it won't start the car. Called the dealership. They can make a key. Whew! $35. Not bad! But, they have to make 2. Ok, $70. Here's the kicker, I have to bring the car to them to program it. Which means I have to have it towed. $75, plus $35, plus $35.....and we are supposed to leave this weekend for a trip. A well-deserved and needed trip for a certain 40 year old in our house.

AND if the 15 year old doesn't find his key, a certain 42 year old will be looking to me as to why we don't have a spare key that works. Because, after all, IT IS ALWAYS MY FAULT.

People, if I don't get to take this trip, there may be some blood shed this weekend. So....if you don't mind, "Saint Zita, patron saint of lost keys, please help June so she doesn't lose her everlovin' mind"

Thank you. And somebody pass me a glass of wine.

PS The 40th was amazing and I have a story to tell. I did get Wally off to college without having a total breakdown. AND I did recover after Beaver made me wait in the waiting room while he had his physical - Mr. Bigpants all of a sudden doesn't need his Momma. But that's fine. I'm ok with all of this. Really! And I have pictures (not of Beav's physical!). And a post to follow. But first, keys people. I need those damned keys!

A day like any other day

2009-09-09T11:37:00.001-06:00

So........well......Saturday is THE day. The day I turn the big, freakin' four oh! As in 40! I keep feeling like I should be evaluating my life. Reflecting on it. Something..... You know, come up with some sort of blog about what I've learned over my 40 years of life. Something deep. Meaningful. But......I've done nothing. Except for schedule a hair appointment. I mean, if I have to act all "Crap, I hate this turning 40 stuff" - I might as well be able to bitch about how crappy my hair looks. Which is what I always do after I get it done! Maybe it wasn't such a good idea to get my hair done on the BIG day! I mean what if Ward actually does remember my birthday and throws me this big ole surprise party. Only my hair is all jacked up and then I start crying when I walk in and everyone thinks it's because I'm so surprised and shocked, but really it's the hair? What then? I can't sit there and enjoy my surprise 40th birthday now, can I? I'll be all, "Why the hell did I get my hair cut today? Of all days....when will I learn?" Obviously, it's going to take me longer than 40 years to learn that you never, ever get your hair cut when something big is about to happen! But is 40 really such a big deal? I mean really. Think about it. Is it? HELLYA it is! And I for one am not showing up for my birthday - party or not - with this 'do.

Ok seriously, there will be no party. I am COMPLETELY ok and with that. The difference between 30 and 40? I WASN'T ok with no party at 30. I was just sure Ward was going to have a surprise party for me. Just like I had done two years earlier for him. I completely caught him off guard. It was the surprise party to end all surprise parties. So.....when my birthday came around - MY 30TH BIRTHDAY - no less, I just knew he was going to surprise me. I got dressed that day. Nothing was said. I just kept thinking, "Boy is he ever good at this." 6 pm came. Nothing. 7, we're still sitting there watching TV. I think maybe I'll go apply some lip gloss, you know, for when everyone shows up. 8pm - Nothing. 8:30 he turns to me with this look on his face. "I completely forgot your birthday!" Still, I'm thinking, "Wow, he's really playing the part." Another 1/2 hour later, I figure out he wasn't kidding. There was no surprise party. And I was pissed. It's been good ammunition over the years. We laugh now. I still pull it out every once in awhile. You know. When he's rubbing it in that I've forgotten something. "Yeah? Well I never forgot my wife's 30th birthday!" That usually shuts him up.

I haven't done so much in the way of reflecting. But, I do keep wondering when in the hell I'm going to get my shit together? Because let's face it, if you don't have it together by 40, chances are.......it ain't gonna happen. Great! I'm gonna be this emotional, touch 'o lush, drama queen teetering on the edge of insanity for the next half of my life, too? Wow.....

I'll take that glass of wine now!

Why?

2009-09-03T13:19:00.002-06:00

Why are some people so hellbent on being so damned difficult to deal with? Do they not know I forgot to take a picture of Beaver's first day of his sophomore year? (Yes, I'm sure I'll be paying for that when he drags me into therapy -"Oh yeah? You loved Wally enough. You took HIS picture. You always forget about me!") Do they not know that I am on the VERGE of turning 40? Don't they realize it's been three weeks since I've seen Wally? (yes, Beav, it is all about Wally. Go ahead and tell that to the therapist, too.) Don't they know I am having a bad hair day. AGAIN? And that I have 52.43 1/2 things to do in the next 3 hours?

Then why, pray tell, do they insist on adding more crap to my life that - in my weakened state- drives me to drink. MORE. Hmmmmm?

Some people. I swear!

My new mantra

2009-08-14T08:09:00.001-06:00

Pink Naked Yoga Room. Pink Naked Yoga Room. PINK NAKED YOGA ROOM!!

I said this over and over in my head this morning - as I sat in the parking lot at work with tears running down my face. It didn't help that Rob Thomas' "Here Diamonds" was playing. As this starts playing...

Oh what the hell she said,
I just can't win for losing,
And she lays back down,
Man there's so many times,
I don't know what I'm doing,
Like I don't know now.

....and those tears just started rolling. And then I thought "Pink Naked Yoga Room" and started to laugh. So there I am, mascara running down my face and laughing. My coworkers think I have truly, finally lost my mind!

Before you think, "Good God woman! Kids leave for college every day" well, it's not just that. If I only had to deal with that right now, I'd be shaky, but ok. It's all the other day to day crap that's piled underneath that has to be dealt with too. Sometimes....it's just too much.

So.....Pink Naked Yoga Room. Pink Naked Yoga Room!

Conspiracy theory

2009-08-11T08:46:00.001-06:00

Here's the conversation I imagine my boys must have had.....

Wally: Hey Beav, you know how Mom is starting to lose her mind and all that. You know, on account of how I'm headed off to college and all...

Beav: Yeah, Wally? Why do you have to go and do a thing like that? You know Mom isn't too stable as it is. Why didn't you just stay home and get your basics here? Or work at McDonald's or somethin'? Huh, Wally?

Wally: Beav, I've got a plan.

Beav: Really?

Wally: Yeah, how about you go out for for football this year. Mom will be so freaked out about that, she probably won't notice that I'm even gone.....

Beav: Well, but Wally, last time I played....well, they broke my arm. Remember?

Wally: Beav, you gonna be the baby your whole life?

Beav: Ok, Wally. I'll do it....

Cut to last night, when Beaver brings his helmet home and Wally walks in with the totes he needs to pack his stuff for college. See June? That's her right there. Headed to Hellmart for more wine. Little stock tip - I'd suggest y'all buy some shares of Franzia, because their profits are sure to increase this year! You can thank me later. But for now.....I need you. I really need you! (Jane!Dammit, this is no time for you to go AWOL - or any of the rest of you for that matter!)

Oh how lovely to be approaching 40

2009-07-30T16:32:00.001-06:00

I sneezed today and wet my pants! What's next? Hot flashes?

Somebody please pass the wine......

Grating on my last nerve

2009-07-29T16:54:00.002-06:00

Dear co-worker,

It is not necessary for you to laugh that loud. Repeatedly. Sounds more like cackling than laughing. If I can hear you - all the way up here - in the front office, you're being too loud. Seriously. We all know your happy. Good for you. But somehow, that laugh? Doesn't seem so happy.

Hugs,

June

Dear Blogger,

I know you love that music. Me? Not so much. And since some of us pass the day at work by blogwalking (only occasionally, of course, (if my boss is reading this)) I would appreciate it if you would let me select whether the song plays. Ok? Nothing like trying to look like you're working and all of a sudden "Rumpshaker" starts blaring.

Thanks a bunch love,

June

Dear Ward,

Remember me? The one that has stood by your side for 20 years now? All the while you were making your way to that top? If you tell me "I gotta go" one more time, while I'm in the middle of trying to explain my latest crisis to you, I might think you don't appreciate me. And you do appreciate me, don't you? You appreciate those nice warm meals every night and those clean socks and underwear every morning, don't you? Well then, let me finish my sentence! Please......

Forever yours,

June

Dear Children,

I know you can drive yourselves everywhere now and you don't really need your mother any more. Except for meals. And well, actually you haven't been eating much of those at home lately either. I know you are extremely busy, what with each of sending over 4,000 texts (no joke!) in a month. But every once in awhile, throw your Momma a bone, and just for the hell of it, let her know when you won't be home for dinner. Moms tend to get a little grouchy when they work all day, stop by the store for food and whip up a 3 course meal for 4 - only to find out it'll only be two of us dining tonight. Ok boys?

Love you more than life,

Mom

PS Beaver, if you leave your wet towel on the floor, in front of the dryer again, I'm gonna have to end your life. I realize your Dad leaves his underwear on the floor outside of the shower every.single.day but you don't want to turn out like your dad, do you? Because someday you might get married. And your hormonal wife, that you just hung up on, might kill you. Just a little heads up Beav.

Dear on-line banking,

Please warn me when I sign on that you are extremely low and I probably don't want to look at the balance. Would ya? Just a little pop-up that says "Hide the debit cards June and don't spend anymore until payday" K? Would ya do that for me? It's really not good for me to use the MF word at work. OUT.LOUD. Ok?

Thanks so much!

June

Fill in the blanks.....

2009-07-23T16:52:00.001-06:00

I have so much to tell you and so little time to say it......so, I'm writing what I can and letting you fill in the blanks.

Beaver passed his driving test. June has _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________!

The lovely ladies at the DMV would not accept the driving log that June, um, sorta "created". Ward had to transfer the log on to the one the "nice" lady at the DMV gave him.

Ward was ___________________ and now he finally believes June when she says the people at the DMV are ________________.

Since Beaver has passed his driving test and there is less than a month left before Wally leaves for college, June is ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________!

Blankety, blankety, blankety, blankety, blankety, blank, blank, blank!!!

The cycle is broken

2009-07-21T08:57:00.001-06:00

A night in the Cleaver household.......

11:30 pm last night- I am ~~making up~~ preparing Beaver's 50 hour driving log - for his driving test at 8 am this morning. Nothing like waiting til the last minute. In my defense - because I always have a defense - maintaining the driving log falls on the person responsible for keeping track of the birth certificates, first lost tooth, blurry picture of first steps and the 5th grade Presidential award - which would be ME. And at the present time, I don't know where any of those things are. So.....that's why, if you had been in my kitchen last night, amongst the fondant and frosting splattered everywhere, you would have found Beaver's Mom remembering Beaver had to have his 50 hour driving log ready in 8 1/2 hours!

In comes Wally with a set of dishes, a washpan and silverware. I really can't take this right now. Not at this moment.

Me: "Wally, whatya doin with all that stuff? College isn't for another month."

Wally: "Yeah Ma, but I figure if I get a little bit here and there it will be easier and I won't be rushing at the last minute to get everything."

I think at that moment, the clouds opened and the angels sang! Hallelujah! The procrastination cycle that has woven itself through at least 5 generations of my family has been broken. My job is done. They can take me away now. I'm ready for the white coat and the rubber room and someone to cook for me........

And then I cried. And cried. And cried. Because my babies are growing up. Wally leaves in less than a month for college. Beaver, if he passes his driving test this morning, will be allowed to drive by himself - WITHOUT ME!

Some one pass me some wine please!

PS Beaver's test was at 8 am. It's 8:55 now. Haven't heard from him or Ward. I'm not panicked. Really I'm not!

Hello, hello, is this thing on?

2009-07-17T15:13:00.003-06:00

Ooops! Seems I disappeared again and still haven't posted pics from vacay. BUT, in my defense, KAT, I have been extremely busy! Ward is so busy being chief, I have to take up the slack. And then there's the whole Wallysgoingtocollege - (ahhhhhhhhhh that I am in total denial about)! Oh and there's Facebook. If you aren't on, I suggest you get on. NOW. Seriously. You really have no idea what you are missing! It's much simpler than this whole blog thing. No less time consuming, but hey - it's a more efficient way to waste time. If that makes any sense!

Let's play catch up, shall we?

Cozumel was a blast! Yours truly actually ziplined and parasailed. Mmm hmmm! I was trying to flip my husband off after he made some comment about my sexy attire, but the gloves wouldn't cooperate!

That's me in front, screaming, "Oh shit, oh shit!"

I was screaming for them to bring me down, but they couldn't hear me!

That's me in the driver seat, next to Wally. He let me drive back. He regretted it though. As soon as we pulled out, I ran straight into a tree! There is no power steering on those things!!

Here's the guys!

And here's the ladies!

This is the whole crew - minus one. We had a grandmother that couldn't ride the Xrails. Beaver is next to me, on the bottom row. Wally is sitting behind the lady with the long brown hair, and Ward is on the back row, second from the right.

Listening to the guide. I didn't hear the part where he said you had to turn the wheel reeeealllly hard!

(Please, no comments about the helmet. You're just jealous. This, ladies, is sexy!)

Sexy at its' best! Covered from head to toe in dirt. I took my white shorts off before we started and even though it doesn't look like it, I did have swimming suit bottoms on under that pink thing!

Walking along the beach to the restaurant. My hair was cute that night. But Cozumel is humid as all heck and by the time this picture was taken, it was just a frizzy mess!

Our "hotel room". They were 4-plex huts. Pretty cute!

Wally (in red) and his buds.

Time to go home. Our last flight was delayed. The boys crashed out on the floor. I realize that an airport floor probably isn't the most hygienic place for these boys to lay down, but they're 18 - and headed off to college - and I'm sure they'll come into contact with things that are even more unhygienic. Just trying to build up their immune systems before we send them off...........

So there you have it. There's a picture of me linedancing - yes me, Ms. Uncoordinated herself. Turns out you'll try anything after a few too many Dos Equis......I'm not going to post that pic though. The helmet pics are embarrassing enough.

Now get off my back Kat......kiss, kiss, love ya woman!

I can only imagine what 40 will bring

2009-06-19T15:20:00.006-06:00

8:45 am this morning:
**Ring-ring** try to locate my cell phone in my purse.
Me: "Hello"
Friendly Hygienist: "June, did you forget me?"
Me: "Oh shit! I'll be right there!" Me thinking, sonofagun, I completely forgot!
I had been on the waiting list to have my teeth cleaned. I had to cancel my last appointment because I "forgot" and so they put me on the list to be called if someone canceled. They called me the night before, at 5:30, while I was at Hellmart. Told me they had an opening for 8:30 and asked me if I could make it. Of course I could. Hung up and thought I will never remember that. So, brilliant me decides to call my work and leave myself a voicemail. I call, leave message "Teeth cleaning 8:30 today". Get to work. Completely forget to check my voicemail so that I could remember the appointment that I knew I would forget.
I get to the dentist's office and they tell me I way too young to be forgetting these things. I explain how I even left myself a voicemail, so I would remember, and then forgot to check it!
Bring on 40. Maybe I should see if the old folks home has an opening or see if I can get in on one of those Alzheimers studies.
Seriously, not remembering something that was told to you 15 hours ago is pretty pitiful! Dontchya think?
Ok, so I survived graduation. Wally was so handsome. (Picture here to follow later)
I also survived vacation. (Picture here of me parasailing - to follow later) (Picture here of me ziplining - to follow later) (Picture of me dancing my booty off - to follow later)
My husband was also promoted when we returned. You are ~~looking at~~ reading the lady that is married to - get this! - the Chief of Police! Uh - huh! Get out! No seriously! I am. Shut up! I know, I can't believe it either. So now......well I gotta clean up my language, slow down when I'm driving and cut back on my copious consumption of boxed wine.......seriously though, I am so proud of him. (Picture of handsome husband here - ~~to follow~~ oh hell, here you go:

PS Disclaimer: pictures to follow if I can remember to get back here and remember to post them!

Tell me, tell me, tell me

2009-05-14T16:39:00.001-06:00

Is it possible to lose 20 lbs in 17 days? Please tell me yes. Please. Because if I actually do get my smile bright enough and my skin tan enough, what good is it going to do if I look 3 months pregnant in all of my vacation photos, huh? So tell me - "Yes June, it is possible to lose 20 lbs in 17 days." And then tell me exactly how....please. I am a woman that needs directions.......

And for the love of Mary Kate and Ashley, don't tell me it isn't possible. Close to the edge people. I'm THIS close to the edge. Don't push me. 8 days til graduation. 8 days! How is that possible? I just graduated not that long ago. Really. Let's see 2009 minus 1987, make the 0 a 10, minus 8, ummmmm 2 years ago, right? WTH! 22 years ago! Huh? Where has 22 years gone? My knees are starting to go a little weak.

17 days til vacation. How the hell did it get to be 17 days already? I had a plan to lose a little at a time. But let's just say that hasn't worked out and time got away from me and now I'm gonna look like a big 'ole beached whale in my Jacqueline Smith Kmart bathing suit - one piece, of course. Ok I don't really have a bathing suit yet. I'm in total denial about this whole weight thing. Somewhere in the back of my little mind, there's a voice saying, "You'll lose that gut" So why go try on bathing suits now and then just get depressed?

Really, why do that to myself. Plus, it's so much fun to wait until 2 days before vacation to try and find a swimming suit - in a town with a population of 25,000. oooo weeeee! The choices.

So, tell me....it is possible to lose 20 lbs in your mid-section and have killer toned abs, right? Right?

I think I need a warning label.....

2009-05-12T10:08:00.001-06:00

You know I've always laughed at the warning tag on my blowdryer. You know the one that says not to use it while taking a bath. I've always thought, "What idiot would dry their hair while taking a bath?" Or the styrofoam coffee cups with the warning, "Caution, hot liquid" Seriously? I had no idea coffee was served hot! Some people are soooo stupid....

Yesterday, I fell into the category of stupid people and nearly died in the process - in my defense there was no warning label. In my quest for the perfect vacation, perfect body, perfect smile.....you'll recall I almost blinded myself in a tanning bed. Well, that wasn't enough to scare me and I decided my smile was just too yellow in every photo I am in. Years of smoking and drinking coffee and drinking wine and well, just years and years of living have caused my pearly whites to turn yellow. So, not having the cash to actually go to the dentist and plop down the $$ to have it professionally done, I decided to opt for an at home whitening kit. I chose the one that rhymes with "Frest White Strips". (I don't want to name the actual company. I may need to pursue a lawsuit at some point in the future. I don't need them countersuing me and saying I slandered them.) In as little as 30 minutes - twice a day - you can have dramatically whiter teeth! And if you know me, I am all about dramatic! This was perfect.

The first clue that I probably shouldn't have attempted to do this by myself was when I opened the little packet and applied the strip backwards! They are these clear looking band-aid things with gel on one side. You are supposed to apply them to your teeth - gel side facing your teeth, line up with your gums and press. I pulled my fingers away and the damned strip was stuck to my finger. In all my brilliance, I had applied the the slick side to my teeth and the gel side to my finger. Way to go!

Not one to give up, I opened a second package and tried again. This time they stuck! I smiled. I was on my way to one brilliant smile. This is going to be the vacation of a lifetime!

These "strips" are not the most comfortable things to have in your mouth. They stay put for the first 12 seconds and then anytime you swallow or breathe, they feel like they are coming off. 5 minutes into this thing, I decided I should take a little nap for the last 25 minutes. Try to keep my mind of swallowing and breathing. Seemed like a good idea at the time and this is the part where there probably should have been some type of warning on the box. You know, for stupid people like me!

I must have dozed off and started breathing again. Wouldn't you know it? One of those little suckers came off of my teeth and was lodged in the back of my throat. All but closing off my airway. Gasping, and hacking and coughing - and just about to turn blue - I ran for the bathroom. I was groggy at first and thought someone was trying to strangle me. Then I remembered the strip, which was missing from my top teeth! Somehow, I guess from the adrenaline, I was able to perform the heimlich maneuver on myself against the counter. Except for instead of the strip coming out - it went all the way in. At this point, I have no idea what damage that plastic stuff is going to do to my insides as it tries to make it's way out of my body. (hence the possible need for litigation against "Frest") BUT, once again, I survived!

Now don't you think they should have a warning label that "Should not be used when you are sleeping"? Surely I'm not the only person that decided to nap while they had these things on......am I?

I was thinking about getting a bikini wax for my hoo-ha. But I really don't think I need to press my luck any further!

Trying to get back here......

2009-05-07T11:53:00.001-06:00

Ok, don't throw things at me. Please. I'm sorry for leaving this little blog sittin' here for so long and not writing anything. I didn't mean to. See, the thing is, I won the lottery and I don't have time for you people anymore. What with having to pick out my new mansion, and I was finally able to afford a good hairdresser - and DAMN do I look good, even if I do say so myself, and then there's all the parties, you know. Well, I guess - since you're not rich - you don't know. But trust me, I am one busy woman! Money does strange things to people. Ward tells me he loves me every day and that I am just the most amazing woman! Beaver has even started to unload the dishwasher without being told! And Wally? That Wally! He doesn't think I am the world's dummest person anymore. He actually comes to me for advice! Can you believe it?

***************************************************************************************

Ok, ok. So I didn't win the lottery. My life is still one big glob of unorganized crappola - my hair still looks like shit! And who really wants to sit there and read about poor, poor pitiful June and blah-blah-blah......Hmmm? Not me! It just seems like every time I turn around there's another problem to face. Another fire to put out. Another bill to ignore.......

So, I'm not gonna bitch about how I didn't really realize when I said "in sickness and in health" how all of the sickness would manifest itself in a 60 day time period. I mean really, as sympathetic as this wife is, when I tell you you are fine, I don't think we need to head to the emergency room so that I can figure out how to pay a $700 bill - and then find out you are actually gonna live after all. Because for $700, I at least want some type of medical diagnosed EMERGENCY. You know, since it is called the emergency room and all. And the next time the nurse asks what your pain level is, I would suggest that you don't say a "1". Because your wife might come unglued and lose the rest of her everlovin' mind.

See, I'm bitching again. And who wants to read about that?

Same as who wants to read that I have only closed on one house this whole year. ONE. I usually sell about a house a month. My commission from selling is our cushion money. It's for the extras. Like when the price of gas goes up. Or milk approaches $4 a gallon. We have no cushion people. I have two houses under contract right now and they both are about to crash. There isn't enough wine in the world to dull the thoughts of "What in the hell am I gonna do if I don't start selling some houses soon??"

But again, I'm whining.

Ok, so not to whine. I'll tell you something a little funny. We are supposed to go on vacation - in less than 25 days. (please don't ask how the hell I am going to pay for vacation when I was just bitchin' about a $700 emergency room bill. Ok? please. the cost of this vacation has also added to my heightened stage of anxiousness.......)

So I decide I'm going to start tanning before I go. That way when I'm laying my fat duff out on the beach, umbrella drink in hand, I won't burn. I haven't been in a tanning bed since I was 18. Which was ~~over 30 years~~ a long time ago. The lady that owns the shop was showing me how to operate it and answering my questions of which type of bed do I use - the stand up or the lay down - and do people really get in there naked? And so on and so on. So, then she has me sign all of the required paperwork and asks, "You did bring goggles, right? Because I require everyone to wear goggles. These beds can do a lot of damage to your eyes." And of course, my tightwad self says, "Of course I did." Completely lying my derriere off! She shows me to the room and I get all ready. Decided on the stand up bed. 5 minutes. Get the side walls all pulled in and reach for the button to start it. That thing was LOUD when it started and I screamed. And of course, because I'm an idiot - I also hadn't closed my eyes yet and those lights ARE so flippin blinding! So I'm screaming and closing my eyes as tight as I can, and thinking the whole time, "Holy shit I'm blind! I lied and now I'm blind!" I'm telling you that was the longest 5 minutes of my life. I kept praying that I wouldn't be blind. I didn't even want to peek - just in case I wasn't and then the light would hit it again and then I would really be screwed. My five minutes are finally over. And I stood there. Thinking. Wondering. Seriously pondering. What if I did go blind?

Thank God I didn't. It's given me a whole new lease on life. Changed my attitude; those 5 minutes did! Ok, maybe not. But I am here to tell you, today when I go, I'm gonna make danged sure I close my eyes BEFORE I hit the button!

Good-bye girl

2009-03-11T10:34:00.002-06:00

There's something about waking up in the morning, walking in the kitchen and not seeing your dog sprawled out on the kitchen floor - tail raising up and down to greet you. Something that tells you Wednesday isn't going to be much better than Tuesday.

Goodbye girl. We'll miss you.

Monday Rant

2009-03-09T16:46:00.001-06:00

Shit I don't necessarily want to deal with right now.....

1. Daylight savings time - I'm all for it staying light out longer, but losing that hour? And just when I get used to it we "fall" back. Leave the time alone and stop fecking with it!

2. The truck. As in Wally's truck. As in the truck that is supposed to take him back and forth to college for the next four years. It's crapping out on us. Every time we turn around, something needs to be fixed. Not exactly what I want my son to be on the highway with. Buy another vehicle? Another car payment? Umm, no we're a one car payment at a time family. We have less than a year to pay off our vehicle. But this truck won't last another year. Again, something I don't want to deal with right now.

3. My dog is dying........the dog we have had for 14 years. I know I need to take her and have her put down. I can not put her in the car and take her to the vet. I need to, but I can't. That's selfish, I know. The vet told us we wouldn't have her much longer. But, she still wags her tail when you she sees you. There's still life in her. Oh geez. This is going to kill Beaver. They've grown up together.

4. I need to get my family to the post office and order passports. Those passports are going to cost $400. I don't have an "extra" $400 lying around. Have to figure something out. We are supposed to be going to Mexico for vacation. You may be saying, "June, maybe you shouldn't be taking a vacation when you can't afford to purchase the passports." To which I will respond, "GET OFF MY BACK PEOPLE" You may remember I didn't get a vacation last year. My bonus from work went to building a shop. I NEED A VACATION. Ok?

5. My sex life. Or lack of one. TMI, I know. But, it's me. Not him. How many times a week/month/year is normal? Because I'm pretty sure I'm not normal..............

Well, that about sums it up. Five things I don't want to deal with right now. But, since no one else is volunteering to take care of these things, I guess it's up to me to deal with. Tomorrow though. Not today.

Birthday Letter

2009-02-27T10:41:00.001-07:00

Dear Wally,

Wow! So, Sunday you turn 18. 18 years old! 6,570 days, give or take a few for all of the leap years, or 157,680 hours old. How did you already get to be 157,680 hours old? Sounds like a lot of time, I know. But, I can assure you, it has flown by faster than I would have liked it to.

I remember the day you were born........ Don't roll your eyes. Humor your 'ole mom, will ya? You started to make your entrance into the world at 2:30 that morning. Your Grandma called the police academy and asked them to tell your Dad it was time. I started to get ready for your birth. I went in and curled my hair and put on my makeup. (I had seen photos of mothers looking a wreck after giving birth and I had no intentions of looking like that in our first picture together. I was 21 and stupid, of course.) Your Dad was four hours away and still beat us to the hospital! Clearly, he was not as concerned about us being fashionable parents as I was. He was wearing maroon sweatpants, black socks and a red ARMY sweatshirt. What was he thinking? Anyway.....He called the house in a panic and your Grandma explained that we were still at home waiting for the contractions to come a little closer. They were very mild and still pretty far apart. I thought to myself that this whole birthing thing was going to be a piece of cake! Boy, did you have me fooled!

We made our way to the hospital around 8 that morning. I was excited and ready. You, on the other hand, decided to take your sweet time in making your appearance. I think you had decided that you weren't so sure about the whackjob of a mother (aka ME) that was about to raise you and decided to maybe just stay inside forever!

I remember watching the coverage of the Gulf War on the TV in the labor room. Hoping your Dad would not be called back into the Army. It was bad enough that he had decided to become a police officer, which scared me to no end, but at least he would be here, in the US, to help me with you. And trust me, I needed all the help I could get!

There are a couple of things that I did during your birthday that I'm not really proud of or have any explanation as to why I did them. I blame it on the fact that I went through this whole thing with no drugs. AT ALL. Not by my choice. Because when that first, really hard contraction hit, I started screaming for the drugs! I was told I wasn't far enough along. And then when I was far enough, it was too late to give me any.

Anyway...I sorta put your Dad in a headlock. It was in a moment of pain. Really. I whispered something to him and as he bent closer to hear me, I choked him and said if he ever did this to me again I would kill him. Like I said, I'm not proud.

I may have also called the sweet, labor room nurse a bitch - under my breath, of course. She kept telling me to take deep breathes and I kept telling her to find the doctor. I wanted drugs dammit! Sorry, again, I'm not proud.

Just as I was sure that you were finally ready, about 10:15 that night, I went into the bathroom - midcontraction, half stooped over - and touched up my makeup. I had been a little sweaty and my hair had started to clump on my head, and I thought a little lipstick would do the trick to brighten up my haggard appearance. Chalk that one up to being 21, stupid and no drugs. Ok?

At 10:29 you finally came out. You were this little, blue shriveled thing and the most adorable baby I had ever seen. At that moment, all of the pain faded and I started to cry. I had never experienced that feeling in my life. To look at a person, for the first time, and have so much love for them.

They wheeled me out of the delivery room. By this time, I was sporting the Alice Cooper look. My mascara had run down my face and I was a mess, to say the least! I was glad we had forgotten the camera. (This would be a prelude to the many important times in your life when I forgot the camera!)

The hospital saw the way we looked, me as the haggard rockstar and your dad as a fashion nightmare and still, they let us take you home! Many times, throughout the years, I would try to take you back to that hospital and demand a refund! There was the time you were helping your Dad "fix" the toilet and you whacked it with a wrench and busted the tank, water gushing everywhere......the night before your Grandma and Grandpa were coming to visit us at the new house for the first time. Then there was the time that you showed your friend how you would use the mini-bat, that the smoke alarm salesmen left at your house, to bust out the window if ever there was a fire. The times you and brother almost killed each other. Why would you push him off of the sky fort? Just because he had a towel wrapped around his shoulder, he was not Superman! I also remember the first summer I let you and Beaver stay home alone, while I went to work. The fights. The calling, "Mom, Beaver won't.....", "Mom, Wally keeps........" Remember when I had enough and told you I would be right there and hung up? And you two little heathens locked the door on me? Remember that? Yeah, well I want to apologize. When I finally made it in the house and muttered under my breathe that I couldn't wait until you were grown, and out of my house, I wasn't being serious. It was in the moment of a mother's frustration.

I didn't know that you would grow up. That you would grow into this amazing young man. The young man that everyone wants as a son or wants their daughter to date (that's what your coach said, if he had a daughter.....). I'm lucky enough, that you are my son. You have a willingness to help others and put them first. Don't ever lose that, son. It speaks to the kind of person that you are, the character you have.

Soon, you will graduate and be off to college. You'll do what I had muttered under my breathe all those years ago - grow up and move away from home. The tears that will come, aren't so much from pain, although it does hurt to see you go, they come from pride. I am so proud of you. I can't put into words how much you have brought to my life! You'll understand. Someday. When you have kids.

I love you, son. Happy Birthday!

Love,

Mom

Beaver and a girl, sitting in tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g

2009-02-20T11:53:00.003-07:00

Beaver, the 15 year old, asked if he could go to a friend's house tonight to watch a movie. Let me clarify - a girl's house. I was completely fine with this. Really. Until.......he asked if he could come home after baseball tryouts and take a shower BEFORE going to her house. Beaver is boy. Therefor, Beaver smells. Smells don't bother Beaver. In fact, he can't smell himself. Which amazes me. Because, well, he stinks! But now he's asking if he can shower his sweaty 'lil stinky self before he goes to watch a movie - with.a.girl.

Do you think it's time we have "the talk"?

(Beaver, if you ever read this, know that I love you more than life itself. Even if you are a bit odorifous at times, I still love you very much. Please don't drag me on to Dr. Phil and tell the whole world about how you grew up to have no self-esteem because your mother was always asking you if you took a shower and remembered to put deodorant on. Ok, honey? I love you tons. xoxo)

How much wine can a mother drink - when she finds out her son is growing up - and not be considered a lush? Ah to hell with it. I'm about to have an 18 year old son in less than 8 days, I'll turn 40 in less than 7 months and now my baby is falling for a girl! I guess it's safe to assume that 'ole June will be slushy-lushy for many more months to come.

Husbands........

2009-02-19T08:20:00.003-07:00

Life, according to So Not June Cleaver:

Husbands

are

stupid.

Nuff said.

Senior moment

2009-02-17T15:44:00.002-07:00

Liquid lunch, anyone? Yeah, today is going that well! Was off from work yesterday and I'm paying for it today. Senior night for basketball is tonight. Bad news: I used my lunch hour getting stuff done for tonight. Stuff that other people were supposed to take care of! But we're not going to dwell on that, now are we? But......never mind. Not even going to get into it. Good news: This is my last night to work the concession stand and take care of all of the crap that goes with that. Hallelujah! And June will not be volunteering for the booster club next year. Got it?

Wally's last game. He's a senior, you know. Or have I already mentioned that? **Sniffle-sniffle** Anyway. Kind of a sad night. But I'll be fine. Really. I'll be crying in the picture that they take when we escort Wally on to the court. BUT, I won't be crying because it's his last game. No, I'll be crying, because once again - due to 80 mph winds today - I will look like shit in yet another picture. And maybe, I'll be just a little teary-eyed because it's not all about me, it is about Wally. And him being one step closer to moving on.........

Someone pass the wine please,

SNJ

PS Remind me to tell you later about what Ward did and why I'm so paranoid about crappy pictures of me.

Idiots R uS

2009-02-10T16:00:00.006-07:00

Dear IRS,

Kiss my ass! Both cheeks! You flippin butthugs.

Up until now, we've had a pretty straight forward relationship. I get paid. You take a portion of my paycheck. At the end of the year, I file my taxes and take a portion back. Has worked fine for me for 31 years. (Holy crap I can't believe I have been paying taxes for that many years. That in itself calls for a glass of wine. Don't you think?)

So what the hell exactly happened this year? How come you took money from me every payday and now I still owe you more money? Hmm? I'll tell you how come! One of you freaking geniuses came up with a child tax credit. A nice little perk of being able to deduct $1,000 for each qualifying child. And you sweetened the deal. You didn't just let us deduct that $1,000 from our income. It came off of the taxes that we owed! Sa-weet! I kind of took it like you at least owed me this. I mean I did procreate and produce two more future taxpayers for you.

What would you suppose a a qualifying child would be? I suppose it would be a child who is still living in your house, attending high school, eating you out of house and home, one that you clothe, and is using your vehicle and your gas and who is not presently employed. Meaning he is not a taxpayer - YET!

But you guys? No you stupid sonafa, excuse me, you schmucks decide they have to be younger than 17! Which one of you melonheads came up with that age? Did your sons & daughters start supporting themselves at 17? Did I miss something? Should I have been helping Wally look for an apartment and a job at 16? So, by 17 he would be on his feet and ready to start paying taxes? Hmmm? I thought by letting him get a high school education, he would be prepared to head off to college and become a productive citizen. He's a pretty smart kid and you guys will get more money out of him if he's educated and has a higher paying job. Or didn't you figure that into your lil' tax credit.

So, I owe you this year. If you want me to pay you, get in line. I'll send you the money just as soon as I pay the increase in my property taxes and the doctors that need my deductible paid (even though I pay an arm and a leg for health insurance). And as soon as I figure out how to pay for the increase in gas prices and groceries, I'll be sure to pay you too.

Yours Truly,

So Not June Cleaver

PS If I should have addressed this letter to congress, if they're the ones that came up with this credit, would you be so kind as to forward this to them? And if it should have gone to congress instead of you, please accept my apologies and take my name off of your audit list! Thankyouverymuch.

Hang on, I'm coming!

2009-02-05T10:49:00.002-07:00

I'm working on getting around to all of your blogs and commenting on them. I know how you just live for my comments. Right? You don't? Throw me a bone will ya? My life isn't the greatest (it isn't the worst, but it could definitely be better) and I could use all of "June we need you so much" to boost my poor, poor, pitiful me soul! Ok, so let's just pretend you all live for my comments. That's better. I will be by and play catch up. Make sure you have a glass of wine ready for me!

See you soon!

Excuse me while I curl up into a ball.....

2009-01-22T16:46:00.001-07:00

This post was turning out to be one of whiniest in history - even for me. The resident bitch whiner. So, I hit the backspace key and deleted the whole thing! Because I can. Because this blog is MINE. It is probably the only thing in my life that I am in total control of. Everything else? In my life? Absolutely no control over. None. Zip. I don't know when I lost control, or if I ever really had it. I'm sure, at some point, it was at least manageable. Wasn't it? I seem to remember a time when life was manageable.

It isn't even the fact that I want to be in total control. Because I don't. In fact, nothing would make me happier than for someone else to be in control and just tell me how the hell I'm supposed to make this shit work. I would like the responsibility of taking care of EVERYTHING to be someone else's. That would suit me just fine.

No more appointments to make. Appointments to remember to go to. Or remember to take your kids to. No more dealing with stupidity. (Why would you order a blackberry when you can't even manage to change a roll of toilet paper by yourself?) Not having to worry about bills to pay. No more having to plan for dinner in the morning. Do I have canned tomatoes? Did I tell the boys I loved them enough today? Enough to keep them from turning out like some of those other kids have - even though those kids also had parents that loved them? Not having to go online and check your checking account balance. That's someone else's responsibility. Not having to worry if there's enough money for college. No more worrying that it's still 4 days til payday and you've already dipped into your reserves by $300! No trying to figure out how to pay for vacation now, when your bonus isn't until April. No worrying what you will do if you don't get a bonus this year. Not having to wait 5 months to have my hair done, because there's money there to do it. And if there's not? Well someone else will have to go without.

Well, it looks like this has turned out whiney anyway. Tough shit. I'm stressed. I'm tired. I'm done.

Somehow, it will all work out in the end.

Lord help me!

2009-01-06T15:28:00.005-07:00

My 15 year old baby starts drivers ed today! I'll take a glass of wine now please.

I've been out of it for awhile and while away, wouldn't you know it? 2009 just up and arrived all in your face without even allowing me time to make any resolutions. So, I guess you're stuck with June the lunatic lush for another year. Actually, my resolution is to just.make.it through the 2009.

If - and that's a big if - I can make it through '09, I promise you'll see a much more calm, less lushier June in 2010.

I'll explain more later. When I have time. Right now I need to come to terms with having another teenage driver in my household.......

See June Lose It

2008-12-23T10:25:00.002-07:00

Boys and girls, in this edition of June & Dick (aka Ward), we'll learn words like see, work, tree and unprepared. Sound it out, un-pre-pared. That's right boys and girls. Now let's get started and see how fun reading can be!

See the calendar?

See the date?

See how many days 'til Christmas?

See it's only two days?

Two, two, two.

See June work?

See her work all day?

Work, work, work.

See June work.

See the tree?

The tree with lights and no decorations?

See, see the tree!

See the tree?

The tree with no presents?

See, see the presentless tree.

See the car?

See the two, unwrapped presents in the trunk?

See, see the not enough, unwrapped presents?

Presents, presents, presents.

See the stores?

Stores, stores, stores.

See all the people?

See, see the people?

See June?

See June, on her lunch hour at the store?

The store with all the people?

See June hit that ~~bitch~~ lady with her cart?

Bad June.

Bad, bad June.

See June?

See June at work, blogging?

See June look at this and think she can do it?

Silly June.

Silly, silly, silly.

See the 14 lbs of sugar and umpteen pounds of flour and butter?

Flour and butter. Flour and butter.

See June make candy?

See June burn candy.

Burn, burn, burn.

See June start over?

See Dick off from work?

Off, off, off?

See Dick shopping?

No!! Dick does not shop.

See Dick?

See Dick wrapping presents?

Wrapping, wrapping, Wrapping.

Dick does not wrap!

See June?

See June's face?

Mad, mad, mad.

June is mad.

See June?

See June lose it?

Lose it, lose it, lose it?

See the wine?

Wine, wine, wine.

See June drink?

See June drink the wine?

Wine, wine, wine............

Merry Christmas everyone! And Happy Hanukkah to my Jewish friends. (I refuse to say Happy Holidays. I mean get a grip. If I offend you because I wish you something "happy" - then bite me. You can get me back by wishing me happywhateveryourthingisthatyoucelebrate, ok?)

Anyway........Hope everyone is safe, healthy and surrounded by people you love. Even if you want to kill those that you love, may you still be surrounded by them! And may you always have enough wine to drink..........Cheers!

How did she find the time? Raising three girls, working at Wyzees and sewing! You have made your girls their Christmas dresses, right? Kiss & hug those kids for me!

Note to self

2008-12-17T16:22:00.003-07:00

Next time you decide to wear your "really cute black slacks", because they make your butt look slimmer, remember to apply lots of lotion to your arms that day. That elbow dandruff that has rubbed off onto your pants from resting your arms on your desk, is really unattractive. And for heaven's sakes, do a quick rearview check when you leave the restroom. Your underwear tag peeking out of the top of your britches is equally unattractive. And no, everyone looking at you wasn't secretly thinking "Has she lost weight?" They were trying to figure out what the heck all the white stuff was on the front of your pants!! Way to go, sister.......

Another note to self.........STFU, already!! I know there are only 8 more shopping days left. Thankyouverymuch.

Wine, anyone?

Overwhelmed

2008-12-16T15:30:00.001-07:00

Just plain overwhelmed......yup, that about sums it up!

Move along now

2008-12-12T08:44:00.006-07:00

I'm sending you to read someone else's stuff for today. I have read her blog for months, cracking up! She is a very talented lady who had one of those shit ________ - fill in the blank with whatever works for you: days, weeks, months. Seems a lot of people are having these mental meltdown moments. When you read someone is having one, it sort puts things in perspective for you and makes you feel as though you are not alone. Together we can all tell the world to piss off, once in awhile! Together we can make it through all of this crap. And together, if we don't get through this, we can all get drunk together!

So, go read her stuff. I dare you not to laugh and cry! Vodka Mom

PS - To you-know-who, we can't all live in Italy and enjoy the good stuff. Some of us have to resort to the box stuff!

Ta-da

2008-12-11T13:36:00.003-07:00

Well, I guess I can see that none of you wanted to win this beautiful shirt and that all you're really concerned about is the scrapbook. I guess I shouldn't say that none of you wanted to be my new BFF, actually the thought of Tracie offering me her maxed out credit card brought a tear to my eye. I mean everybody else was all, "So what about the scrapbook?" and Tracie was all, "Here take my credit card" - that people, is a true friend. So Tracie, just as soon as I get through Christmas and sell a dadgummed house, I'm gonna really order this shirt and send it to you. Someday sister, this shirt will be yours! Wear it proudly!

And yes, Shana, I did design this myself! I know, I know. I am sooooo artsy-fartsy, aren't I?

As for the rest of you.......here it is:

The scrapbook of 2008:

Ok, I'm kidding. This is what got my creative juices flowing. And flow they did. By now, you may be getting the impression that I'm a bit of a wine lush. Really, I'm not. I'm sure if I could afford therapy, there's a really good Freudian reason as to why I feel the need to mention wine in every post that I do. I mean it's not like I drink it E.V.E.R.Y day, you know. Ok, just so we're clear on things. Here's the book that almost pushed June into a straight jacket......

I know! Again with the wine, June? Sorry, this is the last reference I will make to wine in this post. Ok? Did I mention my husband just logged on to our checking account and found out how bad the recession has hit us? Tonight should be filled with hours of fun discussion.

Anyway.......

Yes, 15 pages people! Gluing, stickering, shading, feathering and yes, I even used some of them fancy scissors. I went a little overboard with those, but I did it! Oh, and I even used photoshop!! Wally's eyes were closed in one of the pics with his cousin. So I copied a pair of open eyes into the pic and voila! And I had an ace up my sleeve! While all of the other mothers had their fake smiles plastered on their faces, "Oh wow, you did a great job!" - all the while I knew they were thinking their books were so much better than mine. But, lo and behold, Wally's scrapbook had something that no other scrapbook had. Both of Wally's coaches wrote personal letters to him. When I was in my panic about how I was going to fill all of these pages, I thought if I could get his coaches to write a letter it would take up two pages!! Sa-weet! And they agreed to do it. Of course, next year, ev.er.y.one will have a coaches letter. But Wally was the first! Take that all you queens of craftiness!

Here's what they said:

Wally,
Just wanted to write and say thanks for just being YOU. I so much appreciate your positive attitude every day—all the time. You are truly a pleasure to be around. I also want to say that I know things did not work out exactly the way you wanted but sometimes we learn much more through adversity; moreover, it is those tough times that leadership is most important. You provided much in that regard. You are a blessed young man—this is true. But what I most love about you is that you give others blessings and ask nothing in return. Unselfishness is difficult to find in today’s society—never change. Take Care, God Bless and Be an 11.
Coach A.

(Wally's jersey number was "11")

Wally,
Well buddy it sure has been a fun year. I am very glad I got to coach you this past football season. You’re the kind of kid that everyone wishes they had. Good attitude, never complain, do as we say, and takes ups and downs with the right attitude. Wally, football is a lot like life, ups and downs…………..the way you handle them shows what kind of person you will be in life. I really hope you learned some football from me this year. Most important I hope you learned a little bit about life while playing football. Again Wally, I wish every kid was like you. You are what makes me say “I’M PROUD TO BE A CAVEMAN COACH.” Good luck in everything you do and I know you will be very successful in life……………………
Coach Lopez

So there you have it. You all can breathe a collective sigh of relief. June pulled it off!

Running out of time, as usual

2008-12-10T11:15:00.002-07:00

I'm trying to get back here to update all the goin's on of the Cleaver household. Just as I was about to catch my breath, and tap a fresh box of wine, I heard a newscaster say, "Only 15 days of shopping left." What the hay-ell, (as my southern friends say)??? Is it already December? Oh jeez louise. (Ok, I said something a little stronger than that, but Santa doesn't visit a potty mouth, now does he....)

So Tracie, I am not in the padded cell......yet. I am however trying to figure out which one of you was responsible for reminding me to put a little away each month, this year, for a Christmas fund. Because whoever it was, dropped the ball. There's zilch in the Christmas fund. So....here's what I need. I need for one of you to buy a house from me. Nothing big. Just about $75,000. And I need for it to be a cash sale, so it can close quick. We don't have time for appraisals and loans and shit to hit the fan, ok? Don't everyone raise their hand at once. I know at least one of you people has to be rich. Right? Oh, and I almost forgot, as a token of my appreciation for you helping me out, and making Wally and Beaver's Christmas, I'm willing to call you my new BFF. Hmm? So, who wants to be June Cleaver's new BFF? You know, sorta like Paris Hilton's New BFF, only I've never made a sex tape. And I weigh a little more than she does. But still, come on "June's BFF" - you know you want that title. You know you do. You can put it on your blog. I'll even make a little button for you. Oh, or even better yet, I can make you a t-shirt that is says it. Hmm?

I can only give you until 5pm - mountain standard time, of course - to respond. After that, I'll have to check myself in to "Nuts-R-Us". Do they really serve wine at the funny farm?

Scrapbook, crapbook! Who cares?

2008-12-04T14:50:00.003-07:00

So, that scrapbook? You know, the one they're making me do? The one that isn't due to be completed until the night of the football banquet - which is was December 15th. Guess what? Go ahead, take a guess. You think I finished it early? Really? You do? You think that? Well, see for yourself - here it is, so far:

Well, shall we take a look inside?

Lovely, isn't it?

Let's look at page two.......

Mmm hmmm. That's right! June hasn't done squat! But don't fear, she has until the 15th to get it done. Of course, that would be the case if this was anyone but June's life! Since this is June's life - guess what? Come on, one more time. Guess what happened to June?

She found out the

banquet is not

December 15th.

It's December 8th!

I find this out on Tuesday night! If you're saying, "Well, June, you still have nearly a week to finish this." - ~~bite me~~ well, technically, yes. Yes I have almost a week. I also have a job, two boys in sports, a husband - who is out of town (again don't get me started on the scorekeeping), shoes to buy, food to cook, etc....... Not to mention my tree is up in my living room with lights - only! No other decorations.

Let's take a look at June's schedule for this week:

Monday	Worked all day. Went to Beaver's game. Got home around 7, fixed dinner and did my elliptical for an hour.
Tuesday	Worked all day. Went straight to the high school from work to run the concession stand. Watched Wally play. Found out about change in banquet and nearly threw up. Arrive home at 9:30 to fix dinner. (shut up Erin, there is no possible way I can feed my kids at 5 pm - sue me)
Wednesday	Worked all day. Tried to figure out how the hell I'm going to get this done and try to locate the photos of Wally from this season. I can't find half of them. Crap! Ward has them at work. (Ward is at home ~~dying~~ with a cold!) He got all bent out of shape when I didn't download them as soon as I took them - or maybe it was weeks after I took them - so he took them to work and downloaded them and then deleted them from the camera. Everyone knows you don't delete pictures from a camera until it says "memory card full"! Run during my lunch hour to the scrapbooking store. Holy Pete! Do you know how much paraphanalia that have at those places? I had no idea what I was looking for. Picked up a few things and got out of there. I was starting to suffocate. Seriously. And they don't even serve any alcohol there. Those ladies act like they've dipping in the sauce though! Run by Hellmart for toilet paper. We are completely out. I mean COMPLETELY. And Ward, the chronic poop machine, is home. Sick.... (really how does one man produce that much output in one day?) Stop by the house to check on Ward. He's barely hanging on, but he thinks he'll make it. He has to leave town that afternoon to be on a promotion board. Find out that he won't be back until Friday - late. I need those photos now! Argh! Leave work and decide to head home and try and locate other Wally memorabilia until I can get the photos from Ward. Cell phone rings. It's Ward wanting to know if I'm heading to the house. Get this - he forget his suitcase at the house and he's about 20 miles out of town. Could I possibly get it and meet him on his way back? Suuuuuure. I have nothing else to do. And he is almost dying. Meet him, drop off suitcase. It's 15 minutes until I have to pick up Beaver from practice. No time to run home. Go and sit for 15 minutes, waiting for Beav and thinking how I could already be digging through the third closet by now for Wally's stuff. Get home. Start to dig for Wally's stuff. Beaver is hungry. Stop and make him dinner. Pour myself a glass of wine. A big one. You know, to get my creative juices flowing! And settle in at the computer to see how the heck you put one of these scrapbook thingys together. I've got crap spread from end of the computer area to the kitchen. And online help isn't providing much help. Then I hear the garage door opening. Chit!! Wally isn't supposed to be home for another hour. Scoop everything up - because this is supposed to be a surprise, you know! About break my neck running down the hallway - and damn near spilled my wine! Start looking through photos and getting reminiscent. He's such a cute ~~kid~~ young man! Damn where has time gone. This is just too much. Decide tomorrow will be a better day to do this! Clean up kitchen from dinner and go to bed. Coughed.all.night.long. Scratchy, tickle in my throat. Nothing productive. Took a drink. Blew my nose. Sprayed chloraseptic. Still coughed.andcoughed.andcoughed!!!
Thursday	Work all day. Ward went to work yesterday and emailed the photos to me before he left town. Have I told you how much I love that man? Run to Hellmart at lunch to print photos. I could print them at home, but I'm a tightwad and our printer only has black ink. So....Wait, I could go all "retro" and do a black and white scrapbook. Nah, I would be laughed at by all of the other mothers. Print out photos and notice that Wally's eyes are closed in half of the pictures. Wonderful photographer that I am! Run back to the scrapbook store to get the border thingys that I need. And see if there is some creative thingymabob that they have that I can use to open Wally's eyes. Clerk will look at me as if I've lost my marbles. Decide I will make copies of the pictures that do have his eyes open and cut them out and paste them over the closed eye photos. So glad I bought the big glue stick! Maybe I am crafty after all. Leave work at 4:30 to drive an hour to watch Beaver play basketball. Get lost because I have to go by myself and it will be dark and I can't see the street signs. Arrive at game 1/2 an hour late. Get back into town sometime after 8. Attempt to find a size 10 black shoe for Beaver for the "Snowball" dance this weekend. Try and find gifts for the company Christmas party, which is tomorrow night.
Friday	Work all day. Run at lunch to buy the gifts for the Christmas party that I forgot to buy last night. Look again for shoes for Beaver. Pick up Beaver from practice. Head home. HE must shower before the party. Whew! Attend company Christmas party. Don't worry. It's non-alcoholic - so June won't be making photocopies of her bare bum in the copier. K?
Saturday	Saturday - finally! Wake up early and get tiramisu ready for Snowball dinner tonight for Wally. Try and figure out what to do with Beaver and his crew while we're at Wally's dinner. (Freshman aren't invited to the big kids party - and really this isn't fair because my mother made me cart my sister everywhere with me! That's the reason were' so close now! Have I mentioned how much I love Erin?) Drive an hour to watch Beaver play basketball. Get home in the afternoon and start the chicken cordon bleu. Argue with Beaver that he will just have to wear the only shoes I could find or go barefoot. Go over to Wally's dinner and drop off food and husband, if he's survived, so he can cook the steaks. Get Beaver and take him and all of his little freshman friends to Chili's and drop them off. Go back to Wally's dinner and take pictures. Go back home and get the tiramisu that I left in the fridge.
Sunday	Get up and do my elliptical. At this point, after this week, I've pretty much drank my weight in wine! Go to church. Pray for some time to get this scrapbook done. Go to decorate the hall for the football banquet. Get all sentimental with the other parents over how fast all of this has gone by. Talk will turn to the "scrapbooks" and how excited they are to give them to their sons. Someone will bust out their scrapbook that they "just *happen* to have" shoved in their purse. This will start all of the other mothers having to produce theirs as well. For comparison. You know. And then everyone will turn to me. And I'll feel like it's 7th grade again, Sunday night and my science project - that I haven't started - is due in the morning! Oh wait, that was Erin, that didn't do her science project. Not me. Wrong memory! Anyway....you know the feeling I'm talking about. I'll have that one. And that is the time that I will finally lose the rest of my marbles........
Monday	Banquet - time to present the masterpiece!

So tell me, just

when the heck do

I have time to do

this thing? Hmmm?

Scorekeeping

2008-12-02T16:44:00.005-07:00

If anyone - in our marriage - was keeping score as to who/whom (WTF-ever it is) does more when it comes to the kids -

Today is not the day to tally that score.
Because I am so kicking Ward's ass in that department.
Work concession stand. Order pizza for concession stand while Ward is IM'ing me - and then asking me "u there" when I don't answer immediately. HMPH. Pick up Beaver from practice. Watch Wally play. And then people - I am having a damned glass of wine! Of course, that's after I fix dinner for everyone!

A Thanksgiving to Remember

2008-12-01T15:47:00.002-07:00

So what do you get when you cross a bunch of Texans with the British, Irish, a Mexican and a turkey, duck and chicken? You get a Thanksgiving to remember!

This Thanksgiving was a little "different", to say the least. Not "bad" different, just different. I love Thanksgiving. I don't love the fact that my sister is in Italy - and not here - but I still was looking forward to Thanksgiving. I also had a tinge of wishing that my Mom was still here. The last video I have of her is at the Thanksgiving, before she got sick again. I still haven't been able to watch it. It's tucked away in the entertainment center drawer, but I know it's there. And someday, I'll watch it.

Anyway, so....Thanksgiving was spent with my Dad and bonus Mom (BM). And the British, Irish and Texans. What a crew! My BM is the HR director for a cheese factory that is owned by an Irishman. They employ several Irish and British people. So, she invited them for Thanksgiving. She's a native Texan and Thanksgiving was hosted by her best friend, also a Texan. So lots of accents! I've lived in England, my ancestors are Irish, and we border Texas - so I have no problem understanding any of them. My husband, who is Hispanic, couldn't understand half of what any of them said! One of the Irish guys was asking him if they seasoned the turkey or just fried it like it was. Ward couldn't understand what he said. I knew he didn't because he answered him by saying, "MMM Hmmm, yeah." The poor guy just looked at Ward like he had a screw loose! Funny thing is, as the day went on, and the beer and wine started to flow, everyone began to understand each other a little better!

That morning, at 4 am, I helped my BM make the Turducken. For anyone that hasn't heard of this - it's a chicken stuffed inside of a duck, stuffed inside of a turkey - with layers of stuffing between each bird. Didn't sound too difficult. But it was 4 am! In.the.morning.people. For future reference, I will not be making "new" Thanksgiving memories at 4 am. No one should be up at that hour. It makes for a cranky June at 4pm! Anyway, BM had already deboned everything and all we had to do was stuff it and lace it up. That's were the difficult part came in. We squished and stuffed, and scooped and re-stuffed and then tried to lace it up with the lacer that BM had purchased. The package said it was oh-so-easy and came with complete instructions. "Complete instructions" consisted of a picture of these l-shaped hooks with twine laced through them. But the L-shaped hooks were straight on the other end, so every time you tried to tighten the laces, the hooks just slipped back through. Easy, my ass! Frustration was starting to settle in and it would not have been a good idea to have a glass of wine at this point. So....sober, I had to come up with another solution. I just used the hook and threaded the thing up. Stood back and admired our work. It sorta looked like a turkey, with staples in it's chest. Then BM made the comment that we sure could have used my sister's nursing skills. Well, just slap my face why don't you! First of all, she's in Italy, so you're stuck with me. And second of all, she's not a nurse. Yet. Ok? I'm sure she didn't mean to infer that I was completely incompetent, but it was 4 am and I didn't have any wine, so......

We baked that sucker and it came out smelling soooooo good! It didn't come out looking round and plump, but sort of flat and thick. But it smelled so damned good. My mouth was watering. Then we get over to my BM's BFF's house. Her dad, who I'll refer to as "Uncle Bubba", because everyone in Texas has an uncle Bubba. And he was wearing a camouflaged shirt for Thanksgiving, no less! So.....Uncle Bubba offers to carve the Turducken. "Carve" must mean somethin' different over there in Texas. He proceeds to disembowel the thing like it was road kill! No pretty slices of turkey/stuffing/duck/stuffing/chicken/stuffing. Just a pile of "stuff". Oh to hell with it, pass me the wine, will ya' mate?

In all honesty, it was fun. I love my BM. Her friend's family was so nice to all of us. And the British and Irish are extremely funny people! I've never laughed so hard in my life.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! I'll tell you later about how two college educated and one semi-college educated adults took two days to make a call to Italy to talk the nurse-to-be!

Tell me I'm not a bad mother.....

2008-11-21T10:44:00.003-07:00

So, um, I have to make a scrapbook for Wally. Apparently every mother does one for their son for football. Don't start whipping out your pinking shears and shrieking how much fun this will be. Because I will slap you. Scrapbooking, to me, isn't "fun". I'm not the artsy-fartsy kinda girl. I just don't have it in me. I've seen these scrapbooks. They are well thought-out, well put together, touching tributes to your children. Complete with photos and quippy sayings and uplifting, appropriate comments. I'm not equipped to pick colors and coordinate this thing. I'm tellin' ya. This could get ugly. Even worse, it could turn out ugly and then, as usual, I'll lose that dang Mother of the Year award that I've been striving for - for almost 18 years! It will inevetibly cause a fight between Ward and I. "What do you mean you can't find his 4th grade football photos? What kind of a mother doesn't know where her kids pictures are at?" And once again, I'll be wondering who the hell made it the mother's duty to organize all of her children's keepsakes and why the hell I suck so badly at this.

So, I guess, by now, you're getting the fact that June doesn't like scrapbooking. And so, in true June fashion, I've procrastinated. I work better under pressure anyway. BUT, I opened the dang scrapbook, with the school mascot on it, that the booster club provided for us, and it has - get this - 20 pages! Holy crap. How am I gonna fill 20 pages???? Oh I think I'm gonna throw up.... And this is the point where I need your opinion, am I a bad mother if I take this book apart and take out, oh, I don't know, maybe 15 of the pages? I mean if I have to fill 20 pages, that's going to require me to tear my whole house apart looking for enough Wally memorabilia to fill those pages! I think I found a way to unhinge the thing and put it back together without making it look too mutilated. So what do you think? Hmm? Am I up for the most screwed up mother in the world award?

Water cooler

2008-11-07T13:12:00.001-07:00

Wouldn't this make conversations around the water cooler much more interesting?

Happy Friday everyone!

Excuse me?

2008-11-06T14:03:00.005-07:00

I went to the gynecologist today. Yay me! What a fun time that was! I need to remember that the next time I have to choose a new OB/GYN to pick one that I can understand, rather than just looks "cute" in his picture. Shallow, I know. And my shallowness got me a lot of, "Hmm?" , "I'm sorry. What did you just say?" & "Come again?". (Did I mention he was really cute?) Since I was a new patient to him, he had to ask me all kinds of questions and his accent was a little thicker than Ricky Ricardo's - so I had some trouble understanding him. "Do you perform monthly breast exams" came out as "Do jew sheck jew breastses ebery munt?" And then I think he asked me something about hypertension, but I'm not too sure. I just smiled and nodded. (On a really good note, by blood pressure was only 112/72 - the lowest it has ever been!)

Anyway......done for another year. Of course as I was leaving, the nurse told me, "Since you'll be 40 next year (in an irritating sing-song voice), we won't need to order a mammogram until then." OH JOY! Maybe you would like to announce it over the intercom, "The lady walking through the lobby will be 40 next year and then in addition to doing the stirrup hike she also gets to do the booby smash!"

Sometimes it sucks to be a woman.......

Boys are goobers

2008-11-03T09:57:00.001-07:00

Little background here, first. Beaver and his best friend, Rico Suave, are quite possibly two of the biggest goobers, God love 'em. I don't mean to be cruel. They are completely lovable, but still they're a couple of goobers. And I can say this because one of them is my son and I love him dearly. But still....They seriously think they are two of the coolest kids around. They have no clue. They are freshman. Complete freshman. So Beaver and RS have this friend Jay. He's all of about 4' 5", maybe 4' 8", but definitely not even five feet tall. And he's a little round in the middle. Not fat. Just a little chub. He has a brother-in-law that plays professional baseball. This puts him a little ahead of the goobers. You might say the goobers look up to him. Because, well you know he does have a brother-in-law that is a pro ball player!

Conversation, in my car, between Beaver and RS. (Me totally trying to act like I'm not listening to them)

RS: Fool, did you hear about Studmuffin-Jay?

Beaver: No, dude. What?

RS: Well you know he went to see Cody play in Phoenix.

Beaver: Yeah?

RS: Well Cody hooked him up with some college chicks.

At this point I almost spit diet coke all over my steering wheel. I wanted to laugh so bad.

Beaver: Nuh-uh! Are you serious, dude?

RS: Yeah man! He even said "Ask my mom when she comes back." And you know, if he was lyin', he never would have said to ask his mom.

Beaver: No way fool!

RS: Yeah man. We need to get the hook up. Next time Jay travels, we need to see about going too.

Beaver: Yeah.

I am dying at this point. These two "fools" (Their word, not mine. But it fits!) actually believe that some hot college chicks hooked up with their 4' friend. Seriously! I don't know what kind of college girls they have over in Arizona, but I'm pretty sure they're not so hard up that they would even consider "hooking up" with a high school freshman. I may be wrong. Who knows? Maybe goobers are the new in thing......

I've won, I've won!

2008-10-30T15:18:00.006-06:00

I guess you could say I won. Well, at least I've been given an award. But I also have to do something. So, really I haven't won anything, have I? I just have to do something because Jane disguised it as an award. Very tricky, that woman. And she didn't even award it to me first! She awarded it to Kat. I guess that's because she's such a diva and I'm not.

Anyway, here's what I'm supposed to do and then I'll "award" 6 others with the same thingy:

List 6 things that I love then pass the award onto (along with the rules) 6 blogs that I love!

Here goes (would be easier if I could list 6 things that I hate, but we're not going to be negative today, now are we June?)

Ward, Wally & the Beaver (does that count as 3? this is gonna be easier than I thought) Seriously everyone else didn't name their family. They said besides their family....., or obviously their family...., etc. I'm not going to go that route. Besides giving me endless material to use for my blog, they really do complete my life. I could not imagine my life without any of them! (as of today that is. ask me tomorrow, that could change......they are all males, you know)

Food - I love all things food! Cooking, trying recipes, looking at recipes, buying cooking magazines, looking at cooking blogs, watching cooking shows, wishing I got paid to cook, etc. I love touching it and shopping for it. I went to Trader Joe's for the first time and I think I touched everything in the store. Have you heard of Food Buzz? It's my drug of choice these days and I can't stop clicking on it!

Sunday afternoon naps in my hammock. When the breeze is blowing and making the hammock swing, if you close your eyes it's almost like you're on vacation - except that you have to make dinner in about a half hour! Oh, and fold the laundry, but anyway.....

Blogging. Love it, love it, love it! I have met some amazingly talented and funny women while blogging. And intelligent? Geez are they ever smart! If I can't find someone to pay me to cook for them, I'd love it if someone would pay me to read blogs! Then I could quite the lovely world of real estate and insurance.

Thanksgiving. I mean food and family and I don't have to buy anyone a present! What could be better than that?

This woman. She had me laughing so hard yesterday and crying today. Go read for yourself. You'll love her, too. You can't help but love her. She won't be here this Thanksgiving. She'll be off in Italy. Guess I'll have to take up the slack and drink her share of wine on Thanksgiving!

Ok, so now for the last part. Tagging 6 other "Kreativ" blogs that I love. If I've ever left a comment on your blog - consider yourself tagged and loved BY ME! Lucky you!

Being Married to June

2008-10-29T11:20:00.002-06:00

18 years of marriage. I've officially been married to Ward for 18 whole years. I was going to go all mushy over Ward, kinda like I did last year, but decided it was time for him to go all gushy over me. You know, since it's my blog and all. I suspect, that if you ask Ward what this past 18 years has been like, this is what he would say:

Don't get her pregnant. She'll put you in a headlock! When she was in labor with Wally, she whispered something to me but I couldn't hear her. As I bent closer to see what she needed, she put me in a headlock. Through clenched teeth she told me if I ever did this to her again, she would kill me!

She believes there are still wild cows out there. Don't laugh. She honestly believes this. We were traveling one time and she made the remark "Look Ward, there's wild cows over there." She thought that since there were no barns or a house around, the cows were wild. "You really think all of the cows have been captured", she told me! She still thinks this. And there's no convincing her otherwise.

She spends 90% of her mornings, ass-end up, digging for matching shoes at the bottom of her closet. Organization is not one of her strong suites.

There was a time when, if you ticked her off, she would go days without talking to you - or even looking at you. I think she learned this tactic from her mother. Thank God she doesn't do that anymore.

Why have I stayed married to her for 18 years? Well, she's cheaper than getting a nanny or a housekeeper. Even though she isn't organized, she keeps the rest of us on track. She buys at least 14 of the same item - always forgetting she has the same thing at home already. Have you seen our pantry? But she's a pretty decent cook! She's great at washing and drying our clothes. Not so great at folding and putting them away, but she tries. She does dust, but doesn't like to move anything when she dusts. She uses a sort of "dust around" technique. And she sort of does this snorting thing when she laughs too hard. And well, I guess I sorta love her, too."

Ok, so Ward isn't the gushy type. But he loves me. I know he does. And really that's all that matters anyway. Right?

18 years......wowza!

Coming out of the closet

2008-10-27T11:33:00.001-06:00

I'm off today. My personal day. That means ~~I get to personally do whatever I like~~ I have a to-do list of things I have to get done today. The first two things I have to do in order to keep social services from coming and taking my children away from me.

Exhibits A & B

Disgusting, I know. And yet, I still put these out there. On the web. For the whole world to see. See, I told you, I'm no June Cleaver. I'm pretty sure June's fridge never looked like this!

And then there's this:

I know. You're saying, "You actually feed Wally and the Beaver food from this mess?" And sadly, the answer is, "Yes, I do." But, in my defense, I don't feed them from the two boxes of Krispy Kremes that are on the top shelf, of the bottom, left side of the pantry. No, I bought those over a month ago. What kind of mother would I be if I fed my kids krusty krispy kremes? I am a closet slob. I admit it. But today, I'm going to get these things in order. So you won't look down on me. (I was going to show you a picture of my bedroom closet, but decided against that. Really we don't have to sink that low, now do we? It's pretty bad. But it would take several days of "personal days" to get that in order!)

I am also going to go and pay those ~~cranky bitches~~ lovely ladies at the DMV a visit and register this:

This is our third vehicle. This is the vehicle you get when you have two vehicles, that are on their last wheels, and you have 3 - about to be 4 - drivers in your household. AND you can not afford to trade in one of the older vehicles and take on a car payment. This is dependable, newer and it runs! And it's paid for! It's the stand by. That's what I call it. It's the vehicle we'll use if when the car or the truck break down. There's a little disagreement between Ward and I as to what this car is. He thinks it's for Beaver to use when he gets his license. I know, Ward doesn't really grasp the whole parenting thing sometimes. You don't give Wally the old truck to drive when he gets his license and then give Beaver (aka "No Fear" of speeding) a Mustang when he gets his license. Good idea Ward. I may get our kids taken away for my lack of domestic skills, but you've just proven Wally's theory that you love Beaver more and he gets everything! Way.to.go. Smooth move, dude.

So......anyway. Before I started on my to-do's I thought I would just go online for a minute and check on everyone. And I landed on this.

That's my name up there on Jane's blog. (In second place, behind Kat, but anyway) She named me! Little 'ole me. She loves me. She really loves me. And now, instead of doing the things on my to-do list, and at the risk of losing my children - because I'm such a closet slob - I have to come up with 6 things I love and tag 6 people. Oh, the pressure Jane! But she said I could put two little thingys on my sidebar. So I had to look at her side bar. And I got sidetracked! She follows tons of great blogs. You people really need to stop putting those lists on your side bar! I get sucked in trying to see who those people are and I landed on this one:

This chick is funny!!!

So.......now I'm sidetracked, behind schedule, probably going to lose my boys and now I have to come up with 6 things. I mean what kind of person would I be if I waited until tomorrow, when I was at my job, and did this? What would happen? I tell you what would happen. Jane would replace my happy ass with someone like Pioneer Woman faster than you can say "I love June Cleaver and want to be just like her!" So......if she replaces me, because the 6 list will have to wait until tomorrow, please remember, at one time, Jane loved my blog!

Testing, 1, 2, 3

2008-10-24T09:13:00.001-06:00

I'm trying to see if Live Writer will post to my blog on blogger. Here we go......

June's about ready to hang herself by her pearls!

2008-10-23T10:15:00.004-06:00

I'm losin' it. No really. This time, I'm really losing it. I've pretty much given in to the fact that I will be suffering from permanent PMS until Wally graduates. Bouts of crying. Flying off the handle for no good reason. Happiness. Pride and then absolute sadness. Coupled with the "normal" madness of the Cleaver household. Where the hell's my damned pearls......Wine, anyone?

So.......so far on the to-do list, we have to work the enchilada basketball fundraising supper (say that 3 times fast after a couple of glasses o' wine) at 5, before the last home football game on Friday nite. Dad and Bonus Mom are coming to town to see the game. Need to remind Wally to wash his sheets for his grandparents. Scratch that. Need to wash the sheets myself. Otherwise we run the risk of said sheets still being in the washing machine as the Grandparents are ready to go to bed. Also have to call around and beg parents to work the supper to help with fundraising for their children. That should be easy. Yeah right. It's the same parents every time that help out. Problem is, this last home game is senior night. Yes, more tears for June. This is where you walk with your son on the football field while they announce you, your son and what he plans to - boooooo-hoooooo - sorry, sniffle, sniffle.......what his future plans are. The parents that typically help out with the fundraisers, their sons are also seniors, so they need to leave early to get lined up for senior night. That means there won't be anyone at the enchilada supper to pass out plates. It's ok. I figure I can re-route the pickup line to the football field and pass out styrofoam containers of enchiladas as I'm walking out with Wally. You know, kill two birds with one stone!

Yesterday afternoon as I was calling and begging people to help, my neighbors daughters best friends mother called me. (I know there's supposed to be some apostrophes before or after some of those "s", but I dont' know where. So, I just left them off. ON PURPOSE. I don't need your help telling me where they go, because I'll just forget again. Sorry. It's the PMS again) The best friends are having their birthday party together and requested that I make their cake. She threw all kinds of compliments at me and asked me if I would make it. Of course I will. When is the party? Saturday? As in this Saturday? You can do this June! You don't want to disappoint those girls. And after all those compliments on how beautiful your cakes are....plus there's the whole phallic guitar incident (yeah Jane, I saw your comment) that you have to overcome. Ok, I'll do it. What kind would they like? Oh it's a Halloween party, so anything that fits that theme will be fine. Easy enough! Chocolate cake. Couple of tombstones, plastic skeleton coming out of grave of crushed oreos and I'm home free!

Making supper last night while simultaneously calling the rest of the deadbeat parents on my list and I get another call. From the best friends mother. Seems the girls would like a Frankenstein cake. Shit. I know what's going to happen now. I'll scour the internet for Frankenstein cake photos. It'll have to be something good. Not just any round Frankenstein cake face. No, I'll find something that doesn't look too difficult and end up royally screwing it up. This should be fun!

Oh, and before we walk out on the field tomorrow night, we have to speak to the camera. They film the boys during the football season and then give them a DVD at the end. They personalize the DVD's for each boy with their parents saying something to them at the beginning. Where the hell's my tissues? I'll come up with something very heartwarming, but Wally won't be able to understand a word I'm saying I'll be sniffling the whole time and Ward will step in and try and help. But with my permanent PMS trip that I'm on, that will only piss me off and I'll fly off the handle. Surely it will truly capture Wally's parents in their most shining moment! Poor Wally.

Somebody hand me my wine. And my pearls, too, just in case..........

Having a "senior moment".....

2008-10-21T11:18:00.018-06:00

Usually, a senior moment refers to someone forgetting something. Which would be the usual way to describe me. Always forgetting something. But this time, the senior moment is about my senior, Wally. I've been having a lot of senior moments lately. Usually they make me tear up. This week the "mothers" got together to come up with the tribute page for the yearbook. Yearbooks have changed since the last one that I was in was over, oh a couple of decades ago! My parents got off so easy. Now you don't just pay for your senior to have their photo taken and then put in the yearbook, now you also have to purchase a page, or part of one, to "honor" them. If you don't do this, I think they paint your name on the bathroom stall and call you a slut or something. Like the yearbooks, this may have changed as well. Maybe "slut" isn't what they use anymore. But anyway, June Cleaver is not going to have her name painted all over the bathroom stalls. I'm getting that "Mother of the Year" award dammit! So.....Sunday night the "mothers" got together to do our tribute page. Lots of looking back through old photos. Trying to find the right words to tell our boys how much they mean to us. Lots of "where has the time gone". Lots of senior moments. And beer. Which made the senior moments seem even more tearier (If that's a word. If not, it's my blog, so get over it).

So, here's the objects of our senior moments. These eight boys have been friends for years. In addition to honoring them individually, we got together to do a whole page to them. (Whoever said "Kids are priceless" never had a senior. They are quite pricey!) I know I am a little biased, but they are the best kids. Smart, funny, talented, hardworking, respectful, handsome - you name it, and these kids got it!

(click the photo to see it full size)

(Did you click the photo? You really should. Trust me, to get the full effect of how awesome these kids are you need to see them in the "big" picture!)